<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus by DWDuck</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085970">Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DWDuck/pseuds/DWDuck'>DWDuck</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Humor, Ron Weasley Bashing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:34:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>70,425</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DWDuck/pseuds/DWDuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With the love of a good woman, Harry becomes more confident and learns to handle the embarrassment that comes from being a teenage boy as well as an unexpected animagus. Set during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Severe Ron bashing ahead. Rated M for crude language, even cruder humour, and sexual situations.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Angelina Johnson/George Weasley, Filius Flitwick/Minerva McGonagall, Fleur Delacour/Fred Weasley, Hermione Granger/Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>208</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disclaimer: I am not now, nor have I ever been J K Rowling. Ms. Rowling, Scholastic Books, and Warner Brothers Movies own the rights to Harry Potter. I'm just borrowing their stuff without permission and not making any money from this story.</p>
<p>Author Notes: Many of you are wondering why I'm starting yet another story. The answer is quite simple – I can't get this bloody idea out of my head. Thinking of some of the scenes I've come up with for this story has left me chuckling to myself and my kids are starting to give me strange looks.</p>
<p>This story is quite AU. The main characters will be slightly OOC due to this being an adult comedy. Luna becomes friends with Harry and Hermione earlier than in cannon. Also, the dragons from the first task have been switched around (except for the Hungarian Horntail.)</p>
<p>Formatting notes:</p>
<p>Thoughts – [<em>italics</em>]</p>
<p>Parseltongue - .:<strong><em>bold italics</em></strong>:.</p>
<p>Wizard Wireless Broadcasts – <strong>bold</strong></p>
<p>
  <strong>****Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
</p>
<p>Hermione Granger watched her best friend, Harry Potter, pace back and forth in the large tent the Tri-Wizard champions were waiting in prior to the first task. She was watching him with a new appreciation after she had a talk with his godfather, Sirius Black, the night before. The old Marauder had been in one of his few responsible adult moods and had taken Hermione aside at the Shrieking Shack to talk about Harry. Sirius had shared his observations about Harry and how he was certain that Pronglets was madly in love with Hermione, but was just too chicken to tell her. She had walked back to the castle in a daze, a smile plastered on her face as she realized she felt the same way about the messy haired boy who had been her first and truest friend since their first year.</p>
<p>It was with those thoughts in mind that Hermione watched Harry walking back and forth in the tent, running his hands nervously through his already wild hair. She loved how he looked in his modified Quidditch uniform. His Tri-Wizard uniform was black with dark red panels showing off his Gryffindor pride. The name "Potter" was spelled out in white letters on his back. The fact that the new uniform was form fitting showed off his wiry body in ways that had the bushy haired girl thinking rather delicious, if somewhat – who was she kidding – really naughty thoughts.</p>
<p>The other Champions were dressed similarly with their names in white on the back of their uniforms. Cedric Diggory was the official Hogwarts Champion and was wearing a black uniform with yellow panels representing the Hufflepuff House. Fleur Delacour's uniform was black with blue panels the same color as the dresses the Beauxbatons girls wore the day they were introduced in the Hogwarts' Great Hall. For his part, Victor Krum was wearing an all black uniform.</p>
<p>When Hermione saw Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch, Sr. enter the tent, she got up and stood in front of Harry, blocking his path. She held out her hand and put it on his chest, stopping him. "I have to leave soon," she told him.</p>
<p>"Where are you going?" Harry asked. He was secretly wishing she would be able to stay with him until it was his turn to face a dragon.</p>
<p>Hermione looked a little embarrassed. "Well, you know how I become a nervous wreck while waiting for important things, right?" she inquired. Harry nodded, a small smirk on his lips as he thought back to just about every test they had ever taken. "<em>Snuffles</em> decided I needed to help out him and the twins in a rather large prank to keep my mind off of things," she told him. "Once he explained how the prank was against the Ministry and State controlled media, I jumped at the chance," she whispered.</p>
<p>Harry nodded in understanding. He knew that Hermione valued knowledge almost above all else. The only thing she held in higher regard was their friendship. When she had realized the Daily Prophet, under Ministry orders, had been giving out false knowledge on purpose, Hermione had gone into an hour long rant.</p>
<p>"What are you guys planning?" Harry asked, always glad to watch a prank against those who truly deserved it.</p>
<p>Hermione glanced over at the Ministry officials who were doing something with a large, velvet bag. "I can't say here," she replied. "What I will do is promise to make a copy for you," she stated cryptically.</p>
<p>Hermione paused for a moment while she built up her courage to do something she had always dreamed about doing, but only recently really considered after her talk with Sirius. She placed one hand on either side of Harry's face and drew him in for a brief, chaste kiss on the lips. When their lips parted and she leaned back, she looked into his startling green eyes. She saw an equal measure of pure shock and happiness reflected in his emerald eyes. "I don't care if you take last place in this stupid tournament. All I want to see is you coming back to me, Harry," she ordered. Hermione turned around quickly and left the tent.</p>
<p>Harry was standing still, his right hand touching his mouth where Hermione's lips had been just a moment before. Eventually, Bagman's voice broke through his happy fog. It was obvious Bagman had been calling his name for a while. "Mr. Potter… Potter… will you please come over here so we can have the Champions draw for their dragons!"</p>
<p>
  <strong>****Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
</p>
<p>Hermione took her seat in a special booth that had been set aside for the Black family. Each member of the Wizangamot had been assigned a luxury booth complete with a widescreen omniocular converter. Sirius had arranged for Hermione, the Weasley twins, Remus Lupin, and a certain large, black dog to use the Black family booth. Unlike a regular luxury booth, this booth was set up with magical equipment to broadcast a pirate Wizard Wireless channel. The twins nodded to Hermione while she fine-tuned the omniocular converter and put on a headset that looked like it would have been more appropriate on a WWII pilot. Hermione used the omnioculars to scan the crowd as was glad to see that many of them had brought portable Wizard Wireless boxes to hear the commentary. She had asked Doby to pass out flyers to all of the houses letting them know which channel to tune into to hear a real commentary, not the scripted stuff the Ministry approved.</p>
<p>Remus Lupin tapped his wand on the magical broadcast equipment and then held up his hand, fingers spread out. After one second, he would fold in a finger in let them know how soon they would go live. At zero seconds, he pointed to Fred with a grin on his face.</p>
<p><strong>"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the inaugural broadcast of the PPBC. That's the Padfoot Pirate Broadcasting Chanel in case anyone is wondering. I'm George Weasley…" </strong>Fred said, continuing their practice of confusing people as to which twin was Fred and which one was George.</p>
<p>"<strong>…And I'm Fred Weasley,"</strong> George chimed in. "<strong>With us today in the control booth is none other than the wickedly smart Hermione Granger to help us out with the technical points of today's task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament," </strong>he added. "<strong>Now, before we go any further, we have a word from our sponsor, Marauders Inc," </strong>he stated.</p>
<p>Fred shook a piece of parchment in front of his headset like he was getting ready to read something. "<strong>Snivellous Snape is a greasy haired, bum burglar. That is all," </strong>he said. The large black dog behind him snorted in amusement.</p>
<p>"<strong>We would like to take this opportunity to point out that neither us, the PPBC, nor the Marauders have anything against blokes who like the company of other blokes," </strong>George said.</p>
<p>"<strong>That's right,"</strong> Fred agreed. "<strong>In fact, we're more than 90 percent certain that one of our brothers is in fact bent," </strong>he stated cheerfully.</p>
<p>Hermione was surprised to hear that. "<strong>Really, which one?!"</strong> she blurted out, not realizing her headset was on.</p>
<p>Fred smiled, glad Hermione set him up with that straight line. "<strong>The redheaded one of course,"</strong> he replied. He chuckled along with his twin as Hermione rolled her eyes. His answer hadn't narrowed down things at all considering all of the Weasley children had red hair.</p>
<p>George took over again. "<strong>No,</strong> <strong>we have nothing against bent blokes. We just really don't like Snape and feel sorry for lumping anyone else in with him," </strong>he apologized.</p>
<p>Fred took over control of the omnioculars and zoomed in on their brother Ronald. "<strong>Speaking of backstabbing pillow biters, I see our brother Ron is in the stands today. It looks like he's still wearing his 'Potter Stinks' badge,"</strong> he groused. "<strong>That berk wouldn't know a thing about either friendship or loyalty even if it was spelled out for him in a Babbity Rabbity book for beginner readers," </strong>he complained.</p>
<p>Fred was stopped from going on with a list of their youngest brother's shortcomings by a set of huge double doors on one side of the arena opening. Several dragon handlers levitated a sleeping dragon into the middle of the arena floor, complete with her nest. The dragon had a large, iron collar with four long chains hanging off it. The handlers magically bonded the free ends of the chains to the arena floor and then hurried back to the double doors which had started to close. The last handler paused briefly to throw a potion bottle at the sleeping dragon. The glass bottle broke, and purple fumes swirled around the dragon's nose. The horrible stench of the potion, which smelled remarkably like Snape's favorite cologne, woke up the heavily sedated dragon.</p>
<p>George swallowed loudly when he realized how much danger the Ministry was willing to put the Champions in just for sport. "<strong>Um… Hermione… I know that the thing down there is a dragon, but I was wondering if you could tell us what type,"</strong> he requested.</p>
<p>Hermione flipped through a book in front of her and matched up the physical characteristics with the descriptions in the index. Considering the dragon was red, had a long serpent like body withy spindly legs, and was belching out flames in a mushroom like cloud, she easily identified the dragon. "<strong>According to 'Scalesniffer's Definitive Goblin Guide to Dragons', that monster down there is a Chinese Fireball,"</strong> she replied.</p>
<p><strong>"Scalesniffer…?" </strong>Fred choked out.</p>
<p>Hermione had read the introduction to the book and shuddered. "<strong>You don't want to know, trust me,"</strong> she said. Noticing the still very curious looks the twins were giving her, Hermione sighed. "<strong>Let's just say that Goblins have rather unusual fetishes,"</strong> she stated. "<strong>I'm fairly certain one of those fetishes was responsible for our school motto,"</strong> she added.</p>
<p>Fred recited the school motto, turning slightly green when he thought about it. "<strong>Never tickle a sleeping dragon…" </strong>he muttered<strong>.</strong></p>
<p><strong>"</strong>…<strong>That's just… sick," </strong>George finished his twin's thought, shaking his head in disgust.</p>
<p>Hermione focused the omnioculars on the dragon's nest and saw that nestled in with the gold speckled, crimson eggs was a solid gold egg. "<strong>I think I figured out what the first task is,"</strong> she told the twins and through her headset, a great portion of the Hogwarts student body. "<strong>The bastar… uh… the Ministry folks running this mockery of… I mean wonderful tournament have added an extra egg to the nest. I wouldn't be surprised at all if the victims… er, I mean Champions… have to recover the egg in some way,"</strong> she explained, making it clear that her verbal slip-ups were anything but.</p>
<p>"<strong>What?!"</strong> the twins shouted in unison.</p>
<p>"<strong>Everyone knows you leave nesting dragons alone if you value your life,"</strong> Fred stated.</p>
<p>"<strong>Even our brother Charlie, the world renowned dragon handler, won't go near a nesting dragon without another four handlers to back him up</strong>," George added. "<strong>Personally, I think he took the job to impress the ladies,"</strong> he joked. "<strong>Oops… I guess I just narrowed down the list of which of our brothers plays with other guys' wands</strong>," he joked.</p>
<p>Fred laughed. "<strong>That you did my dear brother,"</strong> he agreed. "<strong>Now as long as you don't tell her Bill is a notorious ladies man Hermione will never guess which one it is,"</strong> he said, winking at Hermione. A short, bark that sounded suspiciously like a laugh came from the large black dog behind them. Fred turned and saw Remus was trying hard not to laugh as well. His attention was brought back to the arena when his brother slapped his arm. Fred looked down onto the floor. "<strong>Well, it looks like the lovely Fleur Delcaour will be the first one to face a dragon today</strong>," he announced.</p>
<p>"<strong>Uh-oh, it looks like the Chinese Fireball has already spotted her and is living up to its name</strong>," George said. "<strong>Delcour barely managed to dodge that blast. Lucky for her she managed to duck behind one of the boulders before she got fried</strong>," he stated.</p>
<p>"<strong>I swear, if either of you jokers makes a French fry reference, I'm tossing both of you over the railing,"</strong> Hermione promised. The twin looked at each other, clearly confused since they had never eaten at a Muggle fast food place. They just shrugged their shoulders and went back to describing the action.</p>
<p>Fleur ducked her head around the boulder and quickly drew it back as another fireball exploded around the boulder. She desperately looked around for something to help her. Taking careful aim, she transfigured a small rock into a French Poodle, hoping the animal might distract the dragon. The dog ran out from behind the boulder and was instantly bathed in a fireball. Instead of dying on the spot, the four legged torch ran back to huddle behind the boulder where it started from. The burning fur caught Fleur's robes on fire before the poodle transformed back into a rock.</p>
<p>Hermione was quickly jotting notes with a conjured quill while she used the omniocular's sound enhancement to listen to what Fleur was saying. The twins stared at her, waiting for her to explain what she was doing. Hermione saw them out of the corner of her eye and blushed a bit. "<strong>I learned French in primary school and the words and phrases Miss Delacour is using are definitely not one you want young children to learn,"</strong> she explained. Her parents often took her to France for vacations and she was planning on using at least three of those new phrases on the beach whenever some old pervert stopped to stare at her and her mum on the topless beaches.</p>
<p>Fleur shouted an angry Aguamenti spell and doused her smoldering robes with water. She fumed for a moment longer and then smacked her forehead with her palm. She tapped her robes with her wand and transfigured them before calmly stepping out from behind the boulder. The dragon, like all of its kind, had excellent eyesight. It took one look at the French Champion and was clearly conflicted. Even those who weren't dragon behavior experts could tell that something was up. It looked like the dragon was torn between attacking the young woman and trying to stand very, very still, hoping the new threat wouldn't notice it.</p>
<p>"<strong>Huh?!" </strong>the twins said in unison, never having even heard of a dragon acting like that before.</p>
<p>"<strong>Whatever she did had to do with transfiguring her robes,"</strong> Hermione stated. She zoomed in on Fleur and then zoomed in even further when she noticed a nametag on the girl's chest. Hermione started laughing and chortled, "<strong>That explains it."</strong></p>
<p><strong>"Explains what?"</strong> Fred asked.</p>
<p>Hermione zoomed in once more so the very impressive bust of one Fleur Delacour filled up their widescreen, omniocular converter. Unlike a Muggle widescreen, this one was in perfect 3D.</p>
<p>"<strong>Heh… heh…</strong> <strong>boobies!"</strong> the twins exclaimed, mesmerized.</p>
<p>"<strong>Bouncing bazooms</strong>…" Fred said.</p>
<p>"<strong>Wonderful wobbling waboes</strong>…" George stated.</p>
<p>"<strong>Glorious Sweater Meat Mountains…" </strong>Fred added.</p>
<p>Hermione cleared her throat loudly, interrupting the verbal tennis match. "<strong>Honestly, you would think you two were twelve years old</strong>," she scolded the twins. "<strong>It's not her breasts, it's the nametag</strong>," she sighed.</p>
<p>"<strong>What nametag</strong>?" Fred asked, not ever noticing it due to his attention being consumed elsewhere. Hermione sighed again and zoomed in once again so the nametag was the only thing visible on the screen. It read, "Fleur Delacour, Jehovah's Witness."</p>
<p>"<strong>Ooooooh…" </strong>the twins exclaimed and then watched as Fleur walked right up to the nest while the dragon did what every sentient or near-sentient creature instinctively knew to do when confronted with a Jehovah's Witness. The dragon did its very best to pretend it wasn't home. Fleur picked up the golden egg, blew a kiss to the crowd, and skipped off back to the Champion's entrance.</p>
<p>While the dragon handlers subdued the Chinese Fireball, the PPBC commentators went back to talking to their audience. "<strong>While the dragon handlers prep the arena for the next dragon, we at the PPBC have a public service announcement paid for by Marauders, Inc,"</strong> George said. He took in a deep breath as if he were planning on talking about an uncomfortable subject. "<strong>Every year scores of children in the wizarding world are victims of unwanted and rather painful sexual assaults," </strong>he said somberly.</p>
<p>"<strong>That's true and what most people don't know is that almost all of those attacks happen to young boys in their first and second years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft of Wizardry,"</strong> Fred said, chiming in on the topic.</p>
<p>"<strong>We're not naming names, but for your children's safety, please talk to them about how unwise it is to have their backsides pointed towards a certain potions teacher at the school. That is all," </strong>George stated. This caused another laugh like bark and Remus had to put his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing loud enough to be heard over the others' headsets.</p>
<p>"<strong>It looks like the dragon handlers are bringing in the next dragon and this time we don't need a kinky dragon guide to tell us what is</strong>," Fred said.</p>
<p>"<strong>That's right, George</strong>," George agreed. "<strong>That green beastie down there is quite obviously a Common Welsh Green</strong>," he pronounced.</p>
<p>Hermione harrumphed while she flipped through the book to the right page. "<strong>It might be a common dragon, but that doesn't mean that it isn't dangerous,"</strong> she stated. "<strong>It says right here that even though the Welsh Green is a common dragon, it's still one of the more deadly ones</strong>," she paraphrased. "<strong>The Welsh Green has special cheek muscles that compress their flame breath into a narrow cone causing them to be deadly at a much greater distance compared to other dragons</strong>," she read from the book. "<strong>The action is similar to how a human focuses their breath when trying to blow out a candle</strong>," she said.</p>
<p>"<strong>That is scary</strong>," George conceded.</p>
<p>"<strong>That's right</strong>," Fred said, picking up the thought trail his brother offered. "<strong>The last thing I would want is to be blown by a dragon</strong>," he said innocently.</p>
<p>Before Hermione could cuff him across the back of the head, the Champion's door opened and Cedric Diggory walked in. As soon as he was through the door, Cedric dove into a roll and came up with his wand pointed at the dragon's head. He put both hands on his wand and willed all of his magical strength behind the pink hued curse that blasted the dragon in the face.</p>
<p>Both twins covered their faces with their palms in disgust. Not really caring that Cedric couldn't hear him, George commented directly at the Champion. "<strong>A conjunctivitis curse?! You bloody idiot!</strong>" he swore. "<strong>The dragon's Welsh you moron! It's probably used to having a bad case of pinkeye</strong>," he stated, shaking his head. "<strong>Even if it can't see, it can still hear really, really well</strong>," he moaned in embarrassment at how the official Hogwarts Champion started things out.</p>
<p>"<strong>I think he might have planned on that</strong>," Hermione said, interrupting George's tirade. "<strong>He's transfiguring one of the smaller rocks into something</strong>," she pointed out. Adjusting the omnioculars, she saw the rock transform into a small, blonde pixie. Cedric's hand shot out and grabbed the pixie. He held the squirming creature over his head and shook the poor thing violently. Glittering, gold pixie dust fell from the pixie, covering Cedric. He tossed the pixie aside when he floated a few inches off of the ground.</p>
<p>"<strong>Oh, I get it now</strong>," Fred said. "<strong>Since he won't be touching the ground, no footsteps to give him away</strong>," he explained.</p>
<p>"<strong>That might be fine and good from a distance, but as soon as he gets close, the dragon will be able to hear his breathing and even his heartbeat</strong>," George pointed out.</p>
<p>Fred thought for a moment and then nudged Hermione when he saw Cedric performing a complicated wand movement with the wand pointed at himself. She turned up the volume so they could hear the incantation. "Sanguinium Homoeroticus," Cedric incanted. The Champion's skin paled significantly and the tips of fangs could be seen protruding from under his upper lip.</p>
<p>Hermione had grabbed a different book and was rapidly flipping pages to figure out what spell Cedric had used. "<strong>He just used a very old Greek spell that turns the caster into a vampire</strong>," she called out. "<strong>I wonder where he learned that spell</strong>?" she asked.</p>
<p>Fred shrugged his shoulders. "<strong>Well, he is dating that Ravenclaw, Cho Chang</strong>," he said. "<strong>Even money the girl's a vampire groupie</strong>," he offered. To prove his point, he scanned the crowd with the omnioculars and then zoomed in on Cho. She had a dreamy, hungry expression on her face as she watched her boyfriend transform into the living dead.</p>
<p>George shook his head sadly. "<strong>On behalf of the PPBC, I would like to give an impromptu public service announcement for Cho Chang and girls like her</strong>," he said. "<strong>One thing you girls might want to think about is a vampire's lack of a heartbeat</strong>," he stated. "<strong>No heartbeat means no blood flow</strong>. <strong>No blood flow means that blood can't be directed to a certain part to satisfy your carnal cravings in regards to the vampire</strong>," he explained.</p>
<p>Fred took over the public service announcement. "<strong>That's right ladies. Your perfect vampire lover will be forever limp like one of the Malfoy males in a topless bar," </strong>he stated<strong>.</strong></p>
<p>They watched as the glittering undead floated towards the nest and gingerly picked up the Golden Egg mixed in with the brown eggs. He had almost floated away before a twitch of the dragon's tail brought that huge appendage into contact with Cedric. Both twins leaned back in their chairs and grimaced when they saw the impact.</p>
<p>"<strong>Even if Cho somehow managed to know how to get a certain part of Cedric to rise from the grave, I don't think that will be possible for quite a while</strong>," George said, his voice sounding pained.</p>
<p>"<strong>Not after taking a dragon tail right in the Quaffles it won't</strong>," Fred agreed. "<strong>Lucky for him that Madame has plenty of potions for just such an injury</strong>," he added. Fred saw Hermione raise a questioning eyebrow. "<strong>Quidditch is a contact sport played with a broom between your legs. Accident happen</strong>," he explained.</p>
<p>The dragon handlers were taking out the Welsh Green through one entrance while the Medi-witches were pulling a still floating Cedric out through the other. Cedric was curled up in a ball around his egg. A close-up showed his eyes were crossed and tears were sliding down his cheeks.</p>
<p>Hermione was still thinking about what Fred had said about Quidditch. She had recently decided on making sure Harry knew how much she loved him and that she would be his forever. Quite frankly, she was worried that after three years of Quidditch, his equipment might not be in working order. "<strong>Er… um… how often do those accidents happen to the Gryffindor team</strong>?" she asked, not sure she wanted to know. Again, she forgot the headsets were on and broadcasting to the Wizarding world.</p>
<p>George thought for a moment and then shrugged. "<strong>About as often as most teams I would guess. Just about all of us have had to go to the hospital wing for a ruptured nut at least four or five times a season,</strong>" he stated, wincing at the memory.</p>
<p>"<strong>Harry is the only bloke we know who has never lost one for the team," </strong>Fred added<strong>. "Still can't figure that one out, all things considered," </strong>he muttered.</p>
<p>"<strong>What do you mean</strong>?" Hermione asked.</p>
<p>For once, both twins blushed when they realized what they were about to explain to the girl they thought was destined for their friend and teammate, Harry Potter. "<strong>Um… well you see</strong>…" Fred stammered.</p>
<p>"<strong>Harry's a bloody Parselcrotch!</strong>" George blurted out. "<strong>We nearly ran screaming from the shower after Harry's first game and he was only 11</strong>," he admitted. "<strong>I have no idea how he manages to balance on a broom with that bloody python between his legs</strong>," he muttered.</p>
<p>"<strong>To put it another way, where most blokes are packing wands, Harry packs a wizard's staff</strong>," Fred told Hermione. He turned around in his seat and saw the slack jawed, shocked expressions on both Remus and <em>Snuffles</em>. The sight of the magical broadcasting equipment behind Remus made Fred frown. "<strong>We're still live, aren't we</strong>?" he inquired. Both the huge dog and Remus nodded in sync. "<strong>Shhhhhiiiit</strong>…" Fred whispered, drawing out the word. "<strong>Harry's going to kill us,"</strong> he moaned.</p>
<p>Hermione was blushing a deep crimson, almost managing to approximate a Weasley blush. She sighed in relief when the dragon handlers brought in the next nesting dragon. The dragon in question was odd on many levels. For one thing, it was only about three times the size of an average man. For another, it only had four limbs where most dragons had six. The forelegs and wings were combined in this weird specimen. Hermione opened up the Scalesniffer Guide and found the dragon in question. "<strong>That's a Swedish Short-snout,"</strong> she told the twins and their listening audience. "<strong>This rare dragon is considered one of the deadliest varieties due to its amazing agility and its ultra-high temperature flames. The flames glow blue they are so hot and are able to turn a body into ash in less than two seconds</strong>," she read. Hermione closed her eyes as she both searched for the right memory and then did the conversions. "<strong>That's over 900 degrees Celsius,"</strong> she told them.</p>
<p>"<strong>Lucky the last two Champions are both Seekers</strong>," George commented. "<strong>They're going to need all of those trained reflexes to survive this beast</strong>," he said. "<strong>Speaking of Seekers, it looks like Victor Krum is entering the arena</strong>," he stated. "<strong>Hey Ron, try not to rub one off in public while your man-crush is on the floor</strong>," he teased, knowing his brother didn't have a portable Wizard Wireless set.</p>
<p>As soon as Krum was through the doors, he plotted out his path to a boulder about 50 meters away. It was close enough to run to, but far enough away to not be a Champion's first choice for cover. He ran from boulder to boulder, dodging the blue flames easily. When he reached his destination, he pushed a small rock near the base of the boulder away, revealing a small hole. He reached in and pulled out a dark green bottle. Krum pointed his wand and the small rock transfigured it into a large, fat rabbit. He uncorked the bottle and poured the thick liquid over the rabbit. When the bottle was empty, he grabbed the rabbit and tossed it as far as he could in the dragon's direction. The dragon lunged to end of its chains and managed to catch the tasty morsel in mid-air.</p>
<p>"<strong>He… he… </strong><strong><em>cheated</em></strong><em>!" </em>Hermione fumed<em>.</em></p>
<p>Fred looked around the control booth. "<strong>Anyone here other than Hermione who is surprised that Durmstrang cheated raise your hand or paw</strong>," he ordered. He wasn't surprised to see that everyone kept the hands (or paws) down. Fred turned back around to watch the arena floor. "<strong>I wonder what the potion did?" </strong>he asked no one in particular<strong>.</strong></p>
<p>The Padfoot Pirate crew zoomed in on the dragon, looking for any sign of change. Hermione was the first to see the difference. She pointed to the screen, getting the twins' attention. "<strong>I'm not an expert on dragon biology by any means, but I'm pretty certain female dragons don't have one of those,"</strong> she said. "<strong>Krum must have covered that poor rabbit with a sex change potion," </strong>she guessed. Hermione started to chuckle when she remembered watching a certain cartoon rabbit with transvestite tendencies on the tele when she was little. She waved off the questioning glances from the twins.</p>
<p>Regaining her composure, Hermione tapped her chin thoughtfully. "<strong>That's actually not that bad of an idea</strong>," she mused. "<strong>A male dragon would be far less interested in protecting a nest than a female would</strong>," she stated.</p>
<p>"<strong>That still leaves a pissed off male dragon chained over the nest," </strong>Fred pointed out.</p>
<p>As if he could hear them, Krum centered himself and drew on his magic reserves. He cast an over powered spell on the dragon which quickly stopped roaring in anger. Krum followed up by blasting the chains away with four quick Reducto spells. He waited for the no longer angry, male dragon to wander away from the nest so he could claim his prize. The Durmstrang Champion wasn't prepared for the dragon to give him an appraising glance and then rush him using all of its tremendous speed. What happened next caused most of the spectators to seek out Obliviators to remove the traumatic memory from their minds.</p>
<p>Fred looked away from the horrible scene below him. "<strong>Someone put that poor bastard out of his misery!" </strong>he demanded.</p>
<p>George reached out to his twin, he was so disturbed by what he saw. "<strong>Hold me, Fred</strong>," he begged, his voice trembling. Fred was so shaken by what he saw, he didn't even try to pull their usual name game.</p>
<p>Hermione turned to look at the omniocular converter screen and used the controls to rewind the action so she could figure out what had happened to make things go so horribly wrong for Krum. She zoomed in on Krum's wand motions as he cast the last spell. She paused the action right after Krum sent the spell. "<strong>Yep, that would do it alright,"</strong> she commented. She nudged the trembling twins and pointed towards the screen. "<strong>Watch his wand work and tell me what you see,"</strong> she ordered, rewinding the recording to the beginning of Krum's spell. After she had played the clip, she tried not to smirk. Krum had brought this on himself after all. "<strong>Did you guys recognize that spell?"</strong> she inquired.</p>
<p>George nodded, a confused look on his face. "<strong>That looked like a simple Cheering Charm,"</strong> he replied.</p>
<p>Hermione shook her head to tell him it wasn't a Cheering Charm. "<strong>Krum must have buckled under the pressure a bit because instead of ending with a definite flick, he used a large swish at the end," </strong>she pointed out. The twins' eyes widen asthey realized what that meant. "<strong>That's right, boys. Krum managed to shift the charm from Cheering to Gay," </strong>she chuckled<strong>, </strong>confident Karma had come back to bite him in the ass. Well, perhaps not exactly bite, but it still involved Krum's ass.</p>
<p>The twins looked back down into the arena and had the unfortunate luck of having the dragon looking directly up at them. For the rest of their lives, Fred and George could say they knew what a Swedish Short-snout's "O-face" looked like. When the dragon was finally finished, it let go of Krum and took flight into the overcast sky.</p>
<p>Krum managed to stand and turned to face the nest. With a strange, awkward, stiff-legged limp, the Bulgarian Keeper made his way painfully to the nest to recover the Golden Egg. Medi-witches took pity on him and levitated Krum out on a stretcher after he claimed his prize.</p>
<p>Finally over the shock of watching a man be buggered by a dragon, the twins smiled at each other. Even the horrible act the witnessed couldn't suppress their antics for long. "<strong>You know, George</strong>…" George started to say. "<strong>I suppose you could say the dragon ended up getting Krum in the end</strong>," he said with a straight face.</p>
<p>Not be out done, Fred said, "<strong>You're absolutely right, brother of mine. It could also be said that Krum led the battle at first, but the dragon </strong><strong><em>came</em></strong><strong> from behind to dominate the encounter."</strong></p>
<p>George was about to say something else, but Hermione stopped him with a hand over his mouth. "<strong>Stop it you two," </strong>she ordered<strong>. "Harry's up next</strong>," she reminded them.</p>
<p>There was a collective gasp as the dragon handlers led the last dragon into the arena. Fred rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "<strong>Merlin's saggy balls! What hell did they drag that monster out of?!" </strong>he exclaimed. The dragon on the arena floor was easily twice as big as any of the other dragons they had seen. It was jet black except for the bronze horns ringing its head and the large, bronze spikes protruding from the end of its tail. The creature looked so fearsome many imagined even its poop could out fight a squadron of battle mages.</p>
<p>George looked over at Hermione and saw she was petrified with fright for her Harry. He eased the dragon guide out of her hands and looked up the fierce looking dragon below them. He swallowed hard and showed the relevant chapter to his brother. The dragon was called a Hungarian Horn-tail. The only things written about the creature, other than its description, were the words, "Run… fast!"</p>
<p>Hermione let out a frightened "eep" as Harry entered the arena. He took one look at the dragon and dove for the cover of a nearby boulder. He didn't even try to peek around the only cover he had as he drew hi wand. Pointing it in the general direction of Hogwarts, he said clearly, "Accio Firebolt!"</p>
<p>While Harry was waiting for his trusty broom to arrive, Theodore Nott put his very Slytherin plan into action. He knew the remaining Death Eaters would reward him greatly if he managed to get rid of the-boy-who-refused-to-die. The fact that he would be able to shift all of the blame to a person not even in his House made his plans all the sweeter. Everyone knew that the rejects in Hufflepuff House had an axe to grind with Potter now that he was poised to steal their Champion's thunder. As it so happened, a Hufflepuff student with a prominent family had ring side seats to watch the Tournament. Nott activated his delayed reaction Imperious Curse and watched as Susan Bones did whatever she could to distract Harry Potter, giving the dragon an opportunity to end the Gryffindor Golden boy once and for all.</p>
<p>Harry sensed movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head and saw Susan Bones jumping up and down to get his attention. When their eyes met, Susan opened her robes, lifted up her shirt, and flashed her very impressive breasts at him. Harry reacted the way any straight, teenage boy would. He stared at Susan's breasts thinking, "<em>Heh… heh… boobies!"</em> Unfortunately for Harry, his broom chose that moment to come rocketing from the castle at his call. The handle of the broom made a loud cracking noise as it struck the side of his head, leaving a small gash. Harry was so angry at both the pain and his own ability to be distracted that he started swearing in Parseltongue. .:<strong><em>Son of a fucking Malfoy:.</em></strong> he swore.</p>
<p>.:<strong><em>Language, hatchling!:.</em></strong> the dragon hissed at him.</p>
<p>Surprise gripped both combatants on the arena floor. Harry poked his head around the boulder to look at the dragon who was staring back at him. .:<strong><em>You can talk?!:. </em></strong>they asked in unison.</p>
<p>Harry was the first to answer. .:<strong><em>I'm a Parselmouth:. </em></strong>he replied. .:<strong><em>I didn't know dragons spoke the language of serpents:. </em></strong>he said.</p>
<p>The dragon chuckled, letting a bit of flame curl up around her snout. .:<strong><em>Most can't, young Speaker:. </em></strong>she replied. .:<strong><em>I'm bi-lingual. I dated a Runespoor when I was much younger:.</em></strong> she explained. The dragon suddenly remembered where they were and growled deep in her throat. .:<strong><em>I'm going to feel bad about killing you, Speaker, but I won't let you threaten my eggs:.</em></strong> she told him firmly.</p>
<p>Harry swallowed hard, but didn't retreat back behind the boulder. Instead, he stepped out, opening up himself for a flame attack. .:<strong><em>The humans who brought you here tricked you and put a fake egg in your nest hoping you would protect it like it was your own:. </em></strong>he told her<strong><em>.</em></strong> The dragon rolled her eyes, very much like Hermione, letting him know exactly how full of hippogriff dung she thought he was. Hoping he was on the right path, Harry went on. .:<strong><em>I'm telling you the truth. How many eggs did you lay?:. </em></strong>he asked.</p>
<p>.:<strong><em>Five:.</em></strong> the dragon answered tersely.</p>
<p>Harry did a quick count of the eggs in the nest and sighed in relief. .:<strong><em>You're sitting on six eggs:. </em></strong>he pointed out.</p>
<p>The dragon craned its long neck and looked underneath her large body. After counting twice to make sure, she looked back up at Harry. .:<strong><em>Well, this is embarrassing:. </em></strong>she joked. She lifted one of her large wings covering the Golden Egg. .:<strong><em>The egg is yours, young Speaker:. </em></strong>she said warmly.</p>
<p>Harry bowed low to the dragon and made his way to her nest. As he approached, the scent of his blood floated on the breeze to the ancient dragon. <em>This Speaker has a very strange blood smell,</em> she thought. Her long, forked tongue flicked out and tasted the air that had the blood scent on it. <em>Mother Tiamat! The hatchling has traces of basilisk venom and phoenix tears in his blood,</em> she realized. <em>I can also smell the seeds of animagus magic inside of him,</em> she told herself. A happy thought crept across her mind as she remembered the last wizard who had such traces in his blood. One of her ancestors had run into that wizard and added her own blood to the mixture, forcing an animagus transfer on the boy. The decision turned out to be the correct one and Myrddin Emrys became one of Dragonkind's greatest allies.</p>
<p>While harry slowly picked up the Golden Egg so as to not anger the dragon, said dragon silently dragged one of her tail spikes across her rump, drawing blood. She dipped the spike in the blood again and waited for Harry to step away from her. As Harry did so, the dragon lowered her head to look him in the eye. .:<strong><em>Just so you know, Speaker, you'll thank me for this later:.</em></strong> she told him.</p>
<p>Harry was about to ask what she meant when she whipped her tail around and drove the blood soaked spike through his shoulder. He managed to look down at the foot or so of dragon spike sticking out of his chest, mutter a quick, "Bugger!", and then passed out from the pain.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>
        <strong>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</strong>
      </p>
<p>
        <strong>Chapter 2</strong>
      </p>
<p>Professor Snape stalked through the castle in a fouler mood than usual. Not only had one of his "special" tutoring sessions with one of his young Slytherins been interrupted, he was being forced to bring up more healing draughts because the Potter brat had received another minor injury. Snape found nothing wrong with the concept that a scratch on a Slytherin's arm was a major injury while he considered being impaled by a dragon spike a minor injury for a Gryffindor.</p>
<p>The potion teacher's mood worsened even more when he saw the hallway in front of him was packed full of first year students. Before Snape could bellow out an order for the students to get out of his way, all of the male students except for one dashed to either side and pressed their backs to the wall. As soon as their backs were to the wall, they clasped their hands behind them. Snape allowed himself a small smirk at the thought that the students were finally paying him the respect he deserved.</p>
<p>The remaining male student was walking backwards, chatting with a girl he had made friends with and had no idea who he was headed towards. The girl was Muggle born like him and they had hit things off right after the sorting ceremony. Snape changed course slightly so the young Gryffindor student would walk into him giving the Head of Slytherin house a good excuse to yell at a student. The small first year student walked right into Professor Snape knocking him back a step. The young Gryffindor, Thomas O'Kelley, turned around slowly and his eyes became wide with pure terror. Snape put on his special sneer/scowl that he had perfected in front of the mirror after hours of practice. He was about to bellow out a ridiculous deduction in house points but the terrified shriek of the student made him pause for a moment.</p>
<p>"Oh lord, no!" O'Kelley yelled when he realized it was Snape he had backed into, his Irish brogue getting thicker due to stress. He had an uncle who had been arrested during the "troubles" back in Ireland and he had shared some of his horror stories in an effort to keep his nephew on the straight and narrow. O'Kelley looked up at Snape, his eyes pleading. "Please, Professor... please don't be burgling me bum. I'm too young to be a prison bitch!" he begged, his small frame trembling with fear.</p>
<p>Snape slowly turned around in a circle and looked closer at the other male students. Not only were they all avoiding his eyes, but each one was doing their very best to hide their backsides from him. When he finished his circle, Snape was livid. "25 points from Gryffindor for pure clumsiness and 2 nights of detention in my classroom for daring to imply that I would 'burgle your bum' as you so quaintly put it", he snarled. O'Kelley's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fainted in fear of what those detentions might entail.</p>
<p>Commotion from down the hall drew Snapes attention and his scowl grew even darker. Potter's friends were storming through Hogwarts castle like a force of nature. Remus Lupin had taken point and he was flanked on either side by one of those insufferable Weasley twins. Hermione Granger, clutching one of her oh so precious books like it was a life preserver, followed close behind the old Marauder. A large black dog that was somehow familiar to Snape brought up the rear, a low growl constantly rumbling from its throat. While the first years gave way to Snape out of fear of being a victim to a greasy haired sexual predator, the clearing of the way for Potter's friends was based off either respect for the one time professor or outright terror at the thought of pissing off both a werewolf and the Ginger Demons.</p>
<p>Snape shouldered past O'Kelley and made to block Lupin's way. "I presume you had something to do with this... this slight on my reputation," Snape said in an angry whisper while making a sweeping gesture at the first year boys.</p>
<p>"Out of our way, Snivelous!" Lupin ordered as he put his hand on Snape's shoulder to push him out of the way. "Harry's hurt and we need to see him," he shouted. Snape slowly looked down at Lupin's hand and then back up to stare in his old classmate's eyes. Lupin withdrew his hand and then wiped it on the side of his robe to get rid of the oily feeling.</p>
<p>"I suppose it's fortunate for me that I intercepted you," Snape snarled. He reached into his robe's interior pocket and pulled out two vials of a thick, crimson potion. "I'll let you take these up to Madame Pomfrey. It will let me get to the headmaster's office all the sooner to report this latest, unwarranted smirch on my spotless reputation," he said as he handed over the vials. Remus took the offered vials with his non-oily hand. Snape turned sharply on his heel making his robe billow majestically around him. He had no idea one of the twins had magically adhered a parchment to the back of his robe. The parchment read, "Registered Rump Robber."</p>
<p>As soon as Snape was out of earshot, Moony started chuckling at the twins' antics. He looked down at his hand that he finally rubbed clean. "I should have known better than to touch Snivelous' robes," he muttered. Remus noticed the twins' curious expressions and he nodded towards the passageway Snape had just left. "Have you ever wondered how old greasy git makes his robes billow like that whenever he moves?" he asked them.</p>
<p>Fred nodded his head. "Fred and I spent an entire afternoon trying to get our robes to do that and we never even came close," he admitted.</p>
<p>"You wouldn't be able to without help," Remus told him. "The only way to get your robe to act with that much body and bounce is to use Snape's patented robe conditioner," he said. "I found a bottle of it when I was looking through one of Knock-Turn Alley's less reputable potion shops. I tried it out and my robe billowed impressively, but then I couldn't get my hair clean for a week," he explained. "Never mind that though, Harry needs us," he reminded the group. He shook his head and started jogging towards the hospital wing again.</p>
<p>The crew of the PPBC never broke stride as they hit the hospital wing, slamming the doors into the walls. Madam Poppy Pomfrey fixed the group with a stern stare due to the booming noise, but relaxed slightly when she saw who it was. "Stop right there you lot!" she commanded, pointing her wand towards Remus. "I'll not have a circus wandering around while I'm trying to treat Mr. Potter," she told them firmly while she drew a curtain around one of her few reserved beds with her free hand. Everyone knew she kept that bed empty for the numerous times Harry Potter was forced to visit her domain. After the end of Harry's second year, the twins had enchanted a nameplate that read "Harry's Bed" and stuck it on the footboard. Poppy had never gotten round to removing it that year and decided it was easier to just keep the shiny brass name plate where it was after all of Harry's accidents during his third year.</p>
<p>Remus looked closely at the woman who had been there for him during his "special" time of the month back when he was a student. He had come to know Poppy well and his stomach fell when he saw traces of fear in her eyes. Turning, he placed a hand on either twins' shoulder. "Boys, I need you to take Snuffles over to that bed by the doors and keep him company while Hermione and I check on Harry," he suggested. His serious expression made them nod and walk off to stand where he told them.</p>
<p>Remus bent down on one knee and looked the black dog right in the eyes. "If any known Death Eaters come in through that door, sick balls," he ordered only half in jest. Padfoot gave a low growl, nodded his large furry head, and trotted off to sit to the side so anyone rushing into the room would pass by him and give him a chance to attack from behind.</p>
<p>When Remus turned around again, Hermione put her hand on his arm. "Professor, what's wrong?" she asked in a terrified whisper.</p>
<p>Remus covered her hand with his own trying to comfort her. "I'm not sure, Hermione, but I can tell you the only time I've ever seen that expression on Poppy was when she didn't know what to do to help a patient," he told her. Since last year, Remus had grown to respect not only Harry but Hermione as well. He wasn't about to lie to the smartest witch of her generation. He had done that once to Lily and the boils had taken a month to go away. Remus watched as Hermione bolted past him and dodged around Poppy to get to Harry's bed.</p>
<p>Hermione gasped and the Goblin Dragon guide fell out of her numb hands when she saw the state Harry was in. He was lying in the bed with his uniform cut open on the front and sweat pouring off of his pale, feverish skin. A low, mindless moan escaped Harry's lips as he thrashed back and forth. His shoulder was wrapped with a Muggle style bandage around the wound. Hermione saw blood had already started seeping through the fresh dressing. It took Hermione a few moments before it registered that Remus had joined her at Harry's bedside.</p>
<p>Remus looked down at the dressing on Harry's shoulder and then up at Poppy, begging her with his eyes for her to explain what was happening to the only son of his best friends. "The dragon's spike went completely through him, back to front," Pomfrey told him.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes… we know that part," Remus sighed in agitation. He had watched from the Black private booth and couldn't get the image of Harry being lifted off of the arena floor by the spike impaled through his chest out of his mind. For some reason known only to the dragon, after running him through she had gently pulled Harry off of her tail spike and eased him gently to the ground.</p>
<p>Poppy shook her head with a mixture of frustration and sadness. "The wound has been resistant to any magical healing and his body has gone into some sort of magical shock," she stated. "I called down for some more blood replenishing potions from Snape's stores, but I doubt they will work now," she sighed. Patient confidentiality be damned, she grabbed Harry's chart and thrust it into Remus' hands. "Here are the results of my diagnostic scans. I can't make head or tails of them," she said.</p>
<p>Remus flipped through the charts a few times, noting the strange results. Harry's magic was fluctuating wildly. Obviously the dragon spike had something to do with it, but the dragon handlers had assured everyone that Hungarian Horntails were non-venomous. A particular reading caught his eye and he flipped back two pages to compare it to another. Remus dropped the charts in shock and let out a startled, "Bloody hell!"</p>
<p>"Professor?!" Hermione exclaimed at his outburst.</p>
<p>Ignoring Hermione, Remus drew his wand. "Expacto Patronum" he yelled. A mangy looking, dog-like creature leapt out of his wand and turned to face him. "Go find Prof. McGonagall. Tell her Harry is in dire trouble and we need her at once," he commanded. The strange patronus stood on its hind legs and snapped a salute to Remus before dissolving into a ball of silvery light that raced out of the hospital wing.</p>
<p>Distracted for a moment from her patient's plight, Poppy cocked her head to the side as she looked at where Remus' patronus had just been. "That was the strangest looking wolf I have ever seen," she commented.</p>
<p>Hermione gaped open mouthed at where Remus' patronus had just been. Remus glanced down at her and his eyebrows crinkled in frustration when he saw she recognized his patronus. He knew Hermione was Muggle born, just as Lily had been. For her part, Lily had never let him live down the form his patronus took when it manifested. Hermione shook her head to clear it and looked over at Madam Pomfrey. "That wasn't a wolf, Madam Pomfrey. It was a coyote," she corrected.</p>
<p>Remus covered his face with his hand. "When I was boy I spent a few overnights with my Muggle cousin during my safe time of the month. I must have imprinted on that particular image while watching tele on Saturday mornings at his house. I think I connected with how the coyote never gave up even though all he ever had was bad luck," he stated.</p>
<p>Hermione nodded, barely listening to Remus' explanation. She turned back to Harry and held onto his hand even tighter. "Stay with us, Harry. We need you… I need you," she whispered and then kissed his hand.</p>
<p>
        <strong>****Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
      </p>
<p>Prof. Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was not having a good day and it wasn't just because he had been forced to sign his full name on more than one document that evening. Many people knew he was the one responsible for bringing back the Tri-Wizard Tournament and now three out the four Champions were seriously injured. Victor Krum was on the Durmstrang ship being treated for both the physical and mental trauma suffered after he had received a rather thorough rogering by an amorous dragon.</p>
<p>Cedric Diggory had made the foolish mistake of using a self-transformation charm while being covered in pixie dust. Any Master of either Transfiguration or Care of Magical Creatures could tell you that pixie dust acts as a catalyst and makes the transformation permanent. The fact that neither Cedric nor his girlfriend were anywhere close to having Masters certifications slipped Dumbledore's mind. <em>Oh well, at least he chose to become one of … those… types of vampires and will be able to go about during the daylight. Too bad about the whole erectile dysfunction problem, though. Oh well, I'm sure he and Miss Chang will come up with some sort of work around</em>, Dumbledore mused.</p>
<p>The third Champion who had been seriously injured was the reason his Deputy Headmistress was in his office yelling at him. "Have you gone completely senile?! What were you thinking allowing dragons to be used?!" McGonagall demanded sharply. "Had that beast's spike been two inches to the left, we would be burying one of my cubs! If Lilly were still alive, she would have your scrotum as a coin purse," she yelled. DUmbledore wisely stayed silent on the fact that after over 180 years, his family jewels had sagged enough that Lily would be able to make not only a coin purse, but a full sized briefcase as well. McGonagall's tirade was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a silvery blue coyote in the headmaster's office.</p>
<p>"My goodness..." Dumbledore muttered in amusement when the patronus took full form and looked around the office. He took out his half-moon spectacles and put them on the bridge of his nose to better see the unusual manifestation.</p>
<p>The coyote looked around the room and then held up a white sign with a wooden handle that read, "<strong>Prof. McGonagall</strong>". It put the sign down and whipped another up from behind it's back. "<strong>Harry's in the hospital wing and he's in deep $ #%!</strong>" the second sign read.</p>
<p>Dumbledore frowned and pointed at the sign. "What do those symbols mean?" he wondered aloud.</p>
<p>McGonagall rolled her eyes before answering. "As you know, patronus have to act within the confines of how they manifest. From what Lily explained to me, Remus' patronus is based on a children's cartoon. As such, it is incapable of swearing without masking it someway," she explained.</p>
<p>Dumbledore frowned again. "What's a cartoon?" he asked.</p>
<p>The coyote stamped its foot in irritation and pointed to the sign again. When he was sure McGonagall had read it, he dropped the sign and held up another one. "<strong>HURRY!</strong>" it read.</p>
<p>"Of course," McGonagall apologized to the patronus before bolting out of the room.</p>
<p>Prof. Dumbledore and the coyote looked at each other for a few moments while they waited for the patronus to dissipate. Just as every patronus was unique, so was their way of fading out of existence. Some disappeared in a puff of smoke while others exploded in a burst of light. The headmaster had never encountered Remus' patronus before and was intrigued as to how this manifestation would expire. His answer came when the coyote suddenly looked up at the rafters. The coyote held up a sign that read, "<strong>AH... $#&amp;!</strong>" before it was squashed by a large, bluish silver boulder.</p>
<p>The patronus energy dissipated, leaving the headmaster's office empty save for the old wizard. Dumbledore placed his hands on the edge of his desk and leaned forward. He craned his neck around to look up at the rafters in an effort to see where the boulder had come from.</p>
<p>
        <strong>****Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
      </p>
<p>Professor McGonagall was in such a hurry to help Harry, she paused for only a second to acknowledge the Weasley twins who were guarding the door to the hospital wing. "Boys," she muttered in greeting as she passed them. When she reached Harry's bed, the sight of him made her knees go weak with shock. She leaned against the wall for support and looked over at the school's nurse. "Poppy... what...," was all she was able to get out as she watched one of her favorite cubs barely clinging to life.</p>
<p>Remus handed the medical charts to McGonagall. "Look at page seven and then go back to page five," he instructed.</p>
<p>McGonagall took the offered charts and looked at the pages Remus had said. She flipped back and forth between the pages three times to make sure she wasn't seeing things. Tossing the charts onto the bed next to Harry's, she let out a loud sigh. "Mr. Potter, will the fates ever grant you a break?" she asked rhetorically.</p>
<p>Hermione couldn't take not knowing what was going on any longer. "Will someone please tell me what is wrong with Harry?" she implored.</p>
<p>Prof. McGonagall looked down and saw how Hermione was holding Harry's hand. The old transfiguration teacher glanced back to the doors and saw the pained looks in the twins eyes as well as the look of despair in Padfoot's. She made a quick decision knowing that people assembled in this room were the ones best suited to help Harry on his new journey if he lived through the night. McGonagall drew her wand, muttered a spell in ancient Gaelic, and pointed her wand at first the doors and then the windows lining the walls. Mystical green vines sprung up out of nowhere and laced around themselves to make intricate Celtic knotwork shields over the doors and windows. "That will keep just about anyone out of here until we are done discussing things," she announced. McGonagall turned her head and beckoned to the twins and Padfoot with her non-wand hand. "Boys, please come over here so I don't have to shout...and yes, that includes you, Sirius," she commanded.</p>
<p>At her words, Padfoot got up and then lept into the air. While in air, the huge black dog's form blurred into a black cloud that lengthed and then coalesced into Sirius' human form. He was wearing a black robe tied loosely at the front, showing off the various mystical tattoos on his chest. He strode to Harry's bed leaving the twins to sprint to catch up with him.</p>
<p>When they were all huddled around Harry's bed, Remus took in a deep breath and then asked, "What do you students know about the animagus transformation?"</p>
<p>Hermione fought down the urge to raise her hand and blurted out, "It's the process by which a wizard or witch transforms themselves into an animal. It is quite different from a normal transfiguration spell as it is an internal magic use and doesn't require a wand or incantation to perform it. It's also very difficult and less than 10% of the wizarding population is thought to have the power necessary to accomplish the transformation."</p>
<p>Sirius nodded at Hermione's answer. "Yes, that's exactly what the Ministry approved books say. The problem is that information isn't quite accurate," he told her. Before Hermione could voice her outrage, Sirius went on. "The truth is that only about 10% of the wizarding population carry the genetic trait necessary to be animaguses and it has nothing to do with how powerful you are. Look at Wormtail. I've never met a dimmer Lumos spell than him," he explained. "Also, the part about how difficult the process of becoming an animagus has been greatly exaggerated by those of us who have completed it to scare off those who don't have the strength of will to master it," he added.</p>
<p>"Huh?!" the twins asked in unison.</p>
<p>Prof. McGonagall took over the explanation. "Becoming an animagus is easy for those with the right heredity. Controlling it is quite another matter," she paraphrased. "After my first transformation into my feline form, I had a few embarrassing incidents before I mastered the process," she admitted.</p>
<p>"Like what, Professor?" George asked.</p>
<p>When McGonagall didn't answer right away, Sirius spoke up. "It takes quite a while to learn how to get your clothes to come back when you change back into a human. Even then it takes a good bit of concentration. It's why I had to steal a robe when I escaped from Azkaban. I couldn't remember how my clothes looked or felt like before I transformed," he stated. Sirius ran his hand down the front of his black, furry robe. "That's why I choose to wear this old thing. The feel of the fur against my skin is very distinct and easy to remember," he said.</p>
<p>"You can imagine my embarrassment when I showed up nude during my first few months as an animagus," McGonagall pointed out. The twins looked a little ill when they imagined their Head of the House in the buff. Even though they knew she was a young woman back then, they could only imagine her as she looked now - a woman in her eighties. "There is also the difficulty of mastering one's animal instincts after one's first transformation," she added. "I lost count of the number of times I caught myself licking my hands in order to bathe myself during a class," she chuckled.</p>
<p>Remus, who by his nature as a werewolf was incapable of becoming an animagus, looked thoughtful for a moment and then pointed a finger at Sirius. "That explains that one time I came into our dorm room and caught you trying to lick your own..." he started to say before Prof. McGonagall cut him off by clearing her throat loudly.</p>
<p>Sirius' cheeks turned a slight shade of red. "Um... actually, I had already mastered my canine instincts by then. I had received a weekend detention for one of our pranks and wanted to see if I could do that in my human form to pass the time," he admitted.</p>
<p>Both Madame Pomfrey and Prof. McGonagall hid their faces with their hands and shook their heads sadly. Before the twins could ask if it was possible, Hermione spoke up. "That's very interesting, but what does it have do with Harry?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Like we said, being an animagus is a hereditary trait. While the trait can skip a generation or two, having one of your parents be an animagus greatly increases the likelihood that you will be one. Having both parents be animaguses guarantees that their offspring will have the ability. Such is the case with Mr. Potter here," McGonagall stated.</p>
<p>This time, it was Remus and Sirius' turn to say, "Huh?!"</p>
<p>McGonagall smirked at their surprise. "You didn't really think the Marauders were the only unregistered animagus in the school, did you?" she asked the old Marauders.</p>
<p>Sirius snapped his fingers and grinned. "The fox!" he exclaimed. When he noticed everyone looking at him, Sirius explained. "During our fifth year, a small, red fox started joining us during our monthly visits to the Forbidden Forest. Looking back, it does seem quite odd that a such a small animal would feel safe enough to play with a stag, a grim, and a werewolf. I do remember wondering why the fox never bothered to eat Wormtail, now that I think about it," he told the group.</p>
<p>McGonagall nodded to Sirius. "Yes, I sent her to the forest every month to help Lily adjust to her animal form," she confirmed. "Now then , I'll explain what this all has to do with Harry. On very rare occasions, an individual whose parents are both animaguses can spontaneously transform into their animal form without any prior warning or training. Usually, the person experiences some great level of stress that triggers the transformation. We refer to these people as 'Unexpected Animagus' for obvious reasons," she explained. "The trauma of having a dragon spike shoved through his body has triggered such a response in Mr. Potter," McGonagall said.</p>
<p>Everyone looked down at the very human looking Harry Potter. Fred raised his hand. "Ok, I'll ask the obvious question," he said. "If Harry is an unexpected animagus, why isn't he... well, you know, more animalish?" he inquired.</p>
<p>"That's a very good question, Mr. Weasley," Remus said. Calling him "Mr. Weasley" was much easier than trying to figure which twin had spoken. "Several of Harry's magical readings are off the chart. It's almost as if Harry's body is trying to assimilate some other type of magic into his own. This conflict is making his own magic field fluctuate wildly. I would be willing to bet that this fluctuation is what is causing Poppy's magic not to be effective on him," he postulated.</p>
<p>No sooner had Remus stopped talking when Harry let out a loud, bone chilling moan. A moan that didn't sound like it should be able to come from a human throat. A bright, swirling light began to form above Harry. The light swirled around Harry and then started getting brighter and brighter until Hermione had to let go of Harry's hand to shade her eyes. The light became even more intense, preventing anyone from looking directly at Harry. With a flash and a loud sound like a spring being released, the light vanished, taking Harry with it.</p>
<p>The adults and the students assembled in the room stared at the empty bed Harry had just been in. They didn't notice the magical vines Prof. McGonagall had conjured glow blue and then fade away. They assembled people did look up however as Prof. Dumbledore strode into the room humming an old, cheery song. If the sight of Sirius black in human form concerned him at all, the Headmaster didn't show. He walked over to stand next his assistant headmaster. Dumbledore had seen everyone staring at the bed, so he looked at it as well. After a moment, Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Forgive me, but since I came in late, I was wondering if someone could tell me what we are all looking at?" he asked no one in particular.</p>
<p>Hermione started to sob. Fred took up the job of explaining. "Harry was just here. He was surrounded by a blinding light and then he just vanished along with the light," he said.</p>
<p>Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I see, well actually, I wasn't here to see it, but I believe I understand what you are telling me," he stated. "Was Mr. Potter's sudden departure heralded by a loud noise, such as a 'boing', or a 'kerchunk', or possibly even a 'weebly wonky wonky thwap'?" he inquired.</p>
<p>"Um, I would call it a 'boing', wouldn't you, dear brother?" Fred asked George.</p>
<p>George looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, it definitely wasn't a 'kerchunk' or a... a..." George stated, not quite remembering the last noise Dumbledore had described.</p>
<p>"A 'weebly wonky wonky thwap'," Dumbledore provided.</p>
<p>"Right, it wasn't one of those," George replied.</p>
<p>Hermione shook her head to clear her thoughts and stood up. "What does it matter what sound was made when Harry vanished?" she asked angrily.</p>
<p>Dumbledore tilted his head so he look over his spectacles at Hermione. "The different sounds magic makes often gives clues as to what happened, Miss Granger. For instance, when the castle forcefully removes someone from its halls do them being a danger to her, a clearly audible 'kerchunk' noise similar to a catapult being fired accompanies the bright flash of light," he explained. "When the removal is for both the safety of both the castle and the individual, it sounds more like spring being released. The castle takes much more care to see to the individual's safe landing during the second scenario," he told her.</p>
<p>Prof. McGonagall frowned in thought. It was times like this that reminded her there was still much to learn about Hogwarts and that perhaps Prof. Dumbledore wasn't as senile as he seemed. "What does the 'wibly wanker'...whatever sound mean?" she asked.</p>
<p>"You mean 'weebly wonky wonky thwap' don't you?" Dumbledore asked. McGonagall only nodded. "Ah yes, 'weebly wonky wonky thwap'. Truth is, I've never heard the castle make that noise, but I always thought it would be brilliant if it did," he replied, sending McGonagall's estimation of his senility back to where it had been. "I'm sure Harry is quite alright," he assured everyone.</p>
<p>"Be that as it may, I suggest we start searching the grounds for Mr. Potter," McGonagall stated. "If his animagus crisis resolves itself, it will leave a very confused and more than likely frightened animal with human intelligence out there. The longer he stays in animal form during his first transformation, the stronger the animal instincts will be when he changes back into human form," she warned. At this proclamation, Dumbledore only raised one bushy eyebrow. McGonagall took him by the arm and led him out of the hospital wing. "I'll explain while we search the grounds around the castle," she told Dumbledore. As she was walking away, McGonagall looked back over at her shoulder at Hermione. "I'll leave searching the Forbidden Forest in the capable hands of the PPBC crew," she said, letting slip that she had been one of the ones listening in on the pirate broadcast.</p>
<p>
        <strong>**Unexpected Animagus**</strong>
      </p>
<p>Harry Potter slowly swam back to consciousness. The last thing he remembered was being skewered by the Hungarian Horntail's tail spike. The fact that he wasn't in any pain had him worried a bit. He had heard horror stories from Ron about Quidditch players who had broken their spines and how they lost all feeling. Keeping his eyes closed for the moment, Harry ran through a list of body parts, flexing that part as he got to it to make sure everything was working. Hands and fingers, check, he thought to himself as he moved. Feet and legs, yep, they move. Harry then stretched and rolled his shoulder blades. He unfolded his wings and swished his tail, letting him know that everything was in working order. It was when he finally comprehended the last two checks that Harry suddenly opened his eyes. He glanced down at his hands and saw that he now had only three fingers and an opposable thumb. Each digit ended in a long, black talon. Instead of skin, his hands were covered in glittering, red scales.</p>
<p>Harry craned his very long neck around and looked at the rest of his body. Instead of his usual undernourished, teenage boy body that he was used to, he saw the lean, muscular looking form of a rather large dragon. His body was covered in the same iridescent red scales as his hands. Harry looked closer at his wings and instead of the leathery, bat-like wings he was expecting, he saw they had gold and red feathers much like Fawkes had.</p>
<p>A twig snapped startling Harry. Without thinking, he swung his head around and let out a huge blast of flame in the direction the noise came from. Harry had a brief glimpse of something that looked like a rabbit with a bent horn on the top of its head before it was engulfed in flames. When the fire died down, all that was left was the poor creatures charred bones, complete with horn. Harry dropped his head down to the ground and covered his snout with his hands to keep himself from incinerating anything else. He closed his eyes and wished really hard that he would wake up. He kept his eyes closed when he heard footsteps approaching. Using just his senses of hearing and smell, Harry tracked the person as they walked calmly towards him. When the person was just a couple of meters away, they finally spoke.</p>
<p>"Hello, Harry Potter," Luna said in her usual dreamy, cheerful tone. "What are you doing out here?" she asked him.</p>
<p>Since Luna obviously recognized him, Harry figured his wishing must have worked like the time he wished the glass wall separating Dudley from the huge snake at the zoo would disappear. Opening his eyes, Harry saw that Luna looked a lot smaller than he remembered. He sighed loudly, some black smoke curling out of the side of his mouth in frustration when he realized he was still a dragon-like thing. Harry swung his head towards Luna and asked, "<strong>.:How do you know who I am?:.</strong>"</p>
<p>Luna shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry, Harry Potter, but I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak 'Rawr-rawr'," she told him. Luna closed the distance between them so she could reach out and touch his huge head. "However, if by chance you are asking how I know this is you and not just some other Elder Dragon, you still have your scar," she told him and placed a small, gentle hand on the famous lightning bolt scar that was just below a set of curved horns. The scales of his scar were a dull white instead of red. Luna rubbed the scales between his horns and then stepped back so she could look around the clearing. He crossed his eyes in an effort to see his own forehead, managing only to make himself dizzy.</p>
<p>"While you've been sitting here, you haven't happened to see a crumpled horned snorlack around by any chance, have you?" she inquired sweetly. Harry cocked his head to the side in an effort to tell Luna that he had no idea what she was talking about. "They are supposed to look like bunnies with a cute little horn on the top of their head. Father and I have been looking for one ever since I can remember," she told him. Being very careful not to look at the charred remains from earlier and keeping his body between Luna and the blackened area of the clearing, Harry used his tail to sweep dirt and twigs over the incriminating evidence.</p>
<p>After a moment, Luna snapped her fingers. "I just remembered, Harry Potter. Your friends, Prof. Lupin, and a big black dog, that looks like a grim but isn't, were looking for you," she exclaimed. "I should probably tell them that I've found you," she said absently. Looking Harry directly in the eyes, she pointed down at the ground with a firm gesture. "Stay!" she told the Elder Dragon.</p>
<p>After what seemed like an eternity, Harry heard the sounds of several people hurrying through the forest. Before they broke through the underbrush and came into sight of the clearing, Harry heard Remus ask Luna, "Are you certain that Harry is this way?" The group broke through the foliage and stopped suddenly at the site of the large, strange looking dragon.</p>
<p>"Yes, Professor Lupin, I'm sure," Luna replied. She looked over at the dragon. "Hello again, Harry Potter," she said cheerfully. Harry raised his right hand and waved it in greeting.</p>
<p>"Harry!" Hermione yelled and dashed towards him. She threw her arms around his scaly neck and sobbed in relief that he was alive. Harry lowered his head a bit and rubbed his snout against Hermione's side. His new enhanced sense of smell picked up all of the subtle different things that made up Hermione's scent. That scent calmed him more than he thought was possible. Hermione let go of Harry's neck and stepped back so she could look him in the eyes. "Don't ever go and do something like that again! You scared me to death!" she scolded him.</p>
<p>Harry lifted his head towards the sky and laughed in joy at how so like his Hermione that scolding was. A small gout of flame escaped as he laughed causing Harry to snap his jaws shut and put one taloned hand over his snout in embarrassment. Harry lowered his head so Hermione could see him and he rolled his eyes dramatically at her.</p>
<p>Hermione swatted the scaly neck of her boyfriend playfully. "You prat!" she chided and then laughed in relief herself. When Hermione brought herself back under control, she placed a hand on either side of Harry's snout. "I am very glad that you are alive, and being able to turn into a dragon is really neat and all, but it is time for you to change back into the old Harry so I can kiss you again," she said. Wanting very much to kiss Hermione again, Harry closed his eyes tight and thought very hard about being human again. When nothing happened, he let his head drop to the ground with a loud thud.</p>
<p>Hermione spun around to look at Padfoot. "Why can't he change back?" she begged.</p>
<p>Luna watched as the black grim shifted form and changed into a man with black hair. He figured if Luna was a friend of Harry, she would keep his secrets. "I'm not sure, Hermione. This is far beyond anything I have ever dealt with. To be honest, I've never even heard of an animagus being anything other than a mammal, let alone a dragon," he told her. "When I first changed, I ran around a while enjoying my new form..."</p>
<p>"*<strong>cough*</strong> Licking your balls <strong>*cough*</strong>," Remus interrupted.</p>
<p>Sirius gave his shoulders a nonchalant shrug and went on. "Like I was saying, when I was done, all I had to do was think about changing and I was back in my human form," he said.</p>
<p>"I wonder..." Remus said absently.</p>
<p>"Yes, I do have more sex than you," Sirius shot back at his old friend.</p>
<p>"With yourself doesn't count," Remus said, giving the reply he had always given Sirius during their school years. "Remember when I said it looked like Harry's magic was trying to assimilate another type?" he asked rhetorically. "I wonder if it was draconic magic he was assimilating and the differences between his reptilian and mammalian natures is causing the problem," he pondered.</p>
<p>Hermione thought for a moment. "What you're saying is we have to trigger Harry's mammalian nature to let him transform back into a human," she paraphrased.</p>
<p>"Yes, precisely," Remus agreed.</p>
<p>Hermione set her shoulders in determination. "Right then! If you're a male, I would appreciate it if you would turn around and look somewhere else," she ordered. It really didn't bother her if Luna saw what she was about to do.</p>
<p>"Why?"the twins asked as Remus and Sirius turned around.</p>
<p>"Just do it!" Hermione yelled with enough force to make the twins turn around in fear. Hermione looked into Harry's eyes and she blushed a bit. After taking a deep breath, Hermione reached down and grabbed the hem of her shirt. With a quick pull she lifted her shirt up. On the way up, she hooked her bra with her thumbs and exposed her pert breasts to her boyfriend.</p>
<p>The sight of Hermione's perfect breasts triggered the response she was looking for. <em>Heh..heh, boobies!</em> the mammalian part of Harry's mind chortled happily. His body dissolved into a red fog that coalesced into his human form, leaving a pale, naked Harry standing in the clearing.</p>
<p>Luna took a step closer in shock as she looked at Harry's naked form. Her already large eyes got even wider in surprise. "My goodness, Harry Potter! How do you manage to fly on a broom with that thing?" she asked in amazement.</p></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Chapter 3</strong>
      </p>
      <p>The morning after the first task found the four Tri-Wizard Champions assembling outside of the great hall before breakfast. The three headmasters had decided that the Champions would make a grand entrance into the hall together with the hopes that this would help put a better spin on the disaster that was the first task. All three of the headmasters had received more howlers overnight by owl than they had in the entire past year. They hoped that showing all four Champions were alive (or something relatively similar in Cedric's case) would alleviate some of the fears that the Tri-Wizard Tournament was nothing more than a public spectacle. Specifically, a morbid spectacle where the audience attended with hopes of watching a person die a painful, horrendous death just like the Roman Gladiator fights or American NASCAR races.</p>
      <p>Cedric and Viktor had been the first two to arrive. Cedric no longer needed sleep and Viktor's nightmares about what had happened to him made him all the more eager to wake up as early as possible. Harry was the next to arrive. He took his place next to the older Hogwarts student. Fleur was the last to arrive. As she was walking up she snorted loudly and said in a snide voice, "Humph… I did not expect to see you so soon after being impaled by a dragon."</p>
      <p>Harry sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "I've had worse," he replied truthfully.</p>
      <p>Fleur leaned to the side and made a point of looking right at Harry. "Oh, hello Harry, I didn't see you there. How is your shoulder feeling?" she asked with a wink and a sassy smile. It took Harry a moment to realize her first comment had been aimed at Viktor and not him. Hermione had taken time between passionate snogs after he had regained his human form to give Harry a brief rundown of what had happened to the other Champions during the first task.</p>
      <p>Viktor had come to the same conclusion as Harry and huffed angrily. The Durmstrang champion threw the doors to the great hall open and then stepped just inside to hold the door open for the other three Champions. Harry wondered about this sudden act of courtesy until he realized the Buggered Bulgarian (as the twins had started calling him) probably didn't feel comfortable with anybody or anything behind him.</p>
      <p>To get his mind off that image, Harry looked around the great hall. He was no stranger to being stared at by the other students, but something was off this morning. He became a bit uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed when he realized most of the students and at least half of the school faculty were staring at his crotch. A quick glance down reassured him that the zipper on his trousers was up. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that many of those staring had hungry, predatory looks in their eyes. For an instant, Harry wondered if this what it felt like to be a golden snitch.</p>
      <p>Harry quickened his pace as he made his way to join his friends at the Gryffindor table. He was nearly at a run when he dropped into a seat between Neville and Hermione and across from the twins and Remus Lupin. A giant black dog was laying on the floor next to Remus and eating off of a plate left there for him by the house elves. As soon as he sat down, Harry looked around at his friends and then said, "I have two questions… the first one is what are you doing here in the castle, Prof. Lupin?"</p>
      <p>"It's Remus or Moony, Harry. I haven't been your professor for a few months now. As for why I am staying in the castle with my faithful service dog, let's just say a certain Assistant Headmaster thought it was best that we stay here while you adjust to your… um… new condition," Remus replied. Harry nodded in understanding. "What is your second question?" Remus asked.</p>
      <p>Harry blushed slightly before speaking. "Um… why was everyone in the great hall staring at my crotch when I walked in?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>The twins nearly choked on their food and the rest of the crew of the Padfoot Pirate Broadcasting Channel suddenly became very quiet. "Um… you see…" George stammered.</p>
      <p>"Yes… ahhh… well…" Fred added, showing he was equally as eloquent as his twin. Harry looked at the twins in turn and then at the rest of his friends as the table remained quiet.</p>
      <p>Remus, still somewhat in the mindset of a teacher rather than a Marauder, racked his brains to come up with a delicate way of explaining that the twins had told everyone listening into the broadcast that Harry was extremely well hung. A flash of memory came to him and he smiled as he remembered summers spent with James and his parents at the Potter Estate. Both of the male Potters had been remarkably gifted below the waist. Harry's grandfather had jokingly referred to his son and him as "inheriting the Sword of Gryffindor." The boys had found that quite funny and after that point, James would always refer to his penis as the Sword of Gryffindor. It never dawned on Remus that because Harry was only one year old when his parents were killed he would have never heard that term.</p>
      <p>Remus took in a deep breath and gently said, "The twins told everyone listening, that like most of the men in your family, you too inherited the 'Sword of Gryffindor'."</p>
      <p>Harry was floored by that revelation. "My… my dad… also inherited the Sword of Gryffindor?" he inquired breathlessly. Knowing that his father had also held the legendary sword would be one of only a handful of links he had with his parents.</p>
      <p>"Most definitely," Remus replied, nodding his head. The large black dog also nodded his head in agreement.</p>
      <p>"Wow," Harry said absently as he let that sink in. Thinking of his own adventure with the sword, he asked, "Did my dad ever get a chance to use it?"</p>
      <p>Snuffles had the poor timing to be eating a piece of bacon when Harry asked that question. He choked for a few moments and then coughed out the offending morsel. Snuffles looked up at Remus who was looking down at his friend. It wasn't a questioned either had expected from Harry. "Well, yes… after your parents were married, I suspects he used it quite a bit," Remus stated. With a hint of a grin he added, "We know for certain that he at least used it 9 months prior to your birth." Remus leaned back and waited for the blush to grow on Harry's cheeks as the young man caught on to what he was implying.</p>
      <p>Instead of blushing, Harry just smiled. "I'm glad he was out of school before he had to use the Sword of Gryffindor," he told Remus. Harry again had a thoughtful look on his face before he spoke again. He was wondering the about the magic surrounding the relic of one of the founders of Hogwarts. "You said my dad used the Sword of Gryffindor after he graduated. Was he able to use it outside of Hogwarts?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>"Yes, in fact I'm fairly certain he only used it outside of school," Remus lied. <em>Snuffles</em> let out a loud woof and Remus kicked him under the table. Harry didn't need to know that his parents had been intimate on numerous occasions before they had all graduated. Lily would often sneak into the boys' dorm and Remus learned quickly how to apply a double layered sound proofing spell if he wanted to get any sleep. Lily was the type of woman he had later learned was referred to as a screamer. Not sure he really wanted to know, Remus inquired, "Why do you ask?"</p>
      <p>Just like in most of their classes, Hermione answered before Harry could. "With something as powerful as the Sword of Gryffindor, we weren't sure what its limitations, if any, it had. We know from Harry's experiences that he can use it on school grounds and now we know he can use it away from Hogwarts," she stated happily.</p>
      <p>Remus was slightly confused. He had assumed that based on Harry's shy nature, the young man was still a virgin. The obvious answer popped into Remus' head when he remembered that Hermione and Harry had just started dating. "So Harry, just when was the first time you used the 'Sword of Gryffindor'?" he asked teasingly. Remus mistook Harry's shocked look for one of embarrassment.</p>
      <p>"My second year of course," Harry replied.</p>
      <p>It was now Remus' turn to look shocked. "Your <em>second</em> year?! How?! Why?!" he blurted out in disbelief. Horrible images of Snape having gotten Harry alone for an extended period of time swam through Remus' thoughts.</p>
      <p>Harry was a very private person and had only told his friends and Prof. Dumbledore what had actually happened inside the Chambers of Secrets. He had assumed that the Headmaster had told Remus what had happened when the old Marauder had started teaching. "I'm sorry, I thought Prof. Dumbledore had already told you," Harry apologized. "It's how I killed the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets," he explained.</p>
      <p>"Prof. Dumbledore only told me you had killed a basilisk. He didn't go into details. Wait… You killed a basilisk with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'?" Remus inquired incredulously. Harry just nodded his head yes. During the previous year, Remus had spent quite a bit of time teaching Harry, both in class and during private tutoring sessions. Remus had never known Harry to exaggerate things that happened to him and instead usually downplayed them. "You're serious aren't you?" he asked.</p>
      <p>Harry gave Remus a crooked grin and leaned across the table. "No, I'm Harry. He Sirious," he whispered and pointed down at the large, black dog. Said dog winked at Harry and wagged his tail.</p>
      <p>Remus groaned and shook his head. "You would think by now I would quit walking into those," he muttered to himself. "What I meant to ask was whether or not you are telling me the truth about killing a basilisk with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'," he corrected. Remus looked to Hermione and Harry who both nodded their heads. Brows creased in thought, Remus tried to visualize how that could possibly work. Only one possible scenario seemed to make sense. "Must have been a very young basilisk," he stated.</p>
      <p>"Why do say that, Professor?" Hermione asked, still not comfortable with being on a first name basis with one her teachers.</p>
      <p>"Basilisks grow to immense size so only a young one would be small enough for Harry to dispatch with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'," Remus answered.</p>
      <p>Hermione's expression grew cold as she stared at Remus. She still had nightmares about Harry being killed by the basilisk while she was petrified. "I wouldn't exactly call a 50 foot long serpent small, Professor," she chided him. Without waiting for Remus to respond, she grabbed Harry's arm and pulled back his sleeve. Pointing at the three inch scar on top of his forearm, Hermione snarled, "How big would <em>you</em> call the beast that left this scar with just one tooth?"</p>
      <p>All of the color drained out of Remus' face as the reality of how close this young man had come to death set in. His brain struggled to make his earlier hypothesis match the evidence in front of him. "Merlin's saggy balls, Harry! How did you choke a 50 foot basilisk with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'?!" he blurted out.</p>
      <p>Harry was surprised at this question. "The Sword of Gryffindor isn't nearly big enough to choke something that huge," he stated. Remus seemed to relax a little. "I killed the basilisk by ramming the Sword of Gryffindor through the roof of its mouth into its brain," he said matter of factly.</p>
      <p>Remus' face looked a little ill as he tried to dislodge the image that brought forth. He stalled for time to think by placing a forkful of eggs in his mouth. "<em>I knew Quidditch players developed strong hip muscles to keep them balanced on their brooms, but I never guessed they would be strong enough for that kind of thrust,"</em> he thought to himself. It was Remus' turn to choke on his food when Harry spoke again.</p>
      <p>"You know, using the Sword of Gryffindor for the first time was really intense. The powerful feeling started the moment I pulled it out of the Sorting Hat," Harry stated, remembering that night.</p>
      <p>George leaned over and pounded on Remus' back until the coughing stopped. When he was back under control, Remus inquired, "Did you just say you pulled the 'Sword of Gryffindor' out of the Sorting Hat?" Harry nodded his head yes. Remus remembered that the Sorting Hat was a very advanced bit of magic that had brought about sentience in the old hat. "Um… What does the Sorting Hat think of you sticking the 'Sword of Gryffindor' in him?" he asked.</p>
      <p>"You know, it's kind of funny you asked that. I asked the Sorting Hat the same thing. I mean, it seemed kind of rude ramming something that size up into it," Harry said. "The Sorting Hat told me Godric was bored one night and came up with a way to enchant his hat so he could stick the Sword of Gryffindor in it whenever he felt like it. According to the Hat, he actually likes it when the Sword of Gryffindor is inside him. He says he feels pleasantly filled," Harry explained.</p>
      <p>Remus held up his hands in front of his face and separated them until they were about as far apart as the main part of the sorting hat was wide. Something that wide wouldn't choke a huge basilisk, but it would choke just about anything smaller than a Nundu, humans included. He suddenly felt great trepidation for Hermione. After a moment, he looked back over at Harry. "Harry, I trust I don't need to tell you to be very, very careful when you are using the 'Sword of Gryffindor'. You don't want to hurt anyone," he warned.</p>
      <p>"I know. Dumbledore told me the same thing once when I was swinging the Sword of Gryffindor around his office," Harry replied.</p>
      <p>Remus wasn't sure what to think about that other than Harry truly was the son of the leader of the Marauders. The Marauders had done some audacious things during their time at Hogwarts, but nothing even close to whipping out their tools in the Headmaster's office in front of said Headmaster. "I'm impressed, Harry. Just out of curiosity, how many house points did you lose for that stunt?" he asked.</p>
      <p>"None, it was Prof. Dumbledore's idea in the first place," Harry replied. "He said that I shouldn't swing the Sword of Gryffindor around in public, but that I should feel free to handle it in his office whenever I felt the desire. Prof. Dumbledore said it gave his old heart a thrill to see me with the Sword of Gryffindor in my hand," he told Remus.</p>
      <p>Remus' eye narrowed in protective anger as he glanced up at the head table. "<em>I can see Snape doing something like that, but would have never guessed Dumbledore would be into that sort of thing. I always guessed he was bent, but never suspected his interests ran to someone as young as Harry," </em>he fumed silently. He took a calming breath and looked Harry in the eyes. "Harry, I don't know what the Headmaster has told you, but that sort of thing is usually done in private, or at least in semi-private like the shower stalls in the dorms," he said.</p>
      <p>"The shower stalls must have been a lot larger when you were in school here. The way the shower stalls are now, there would be no way I could swing the Sword of Gryffindor without hitting one of the walls," Harry told Remus.</p>
      <p>Remus' jaw dropped open and he looked down at Snuffles who was wearing an equally amazed expression. "No wonder the twins ran when they first saw the 'Sword of Gryffindor'," Remus joked, trying to get his mind around the thought of a tool that big.</p>
      <p>George overheard Remus and shrugged his shoulders. "We've never actually seen the Sword of Gryffindor. Harry always says 'no' when we ask to play with it," he laughed.</p>
      <p>Remus was now getting very confused. "You said yesterday you ran from the showers the first time you saw the 'Sword of Gryffindor'. Now youre telling me you haven't seen it. Which is it? I find it hard to believe that when showering in an a large open space like the locker room you wouldn't see it," he stated.</p>
      <p>"Why would I need to be armed in the showers?" Harry asked, wondering what kind of things his parents had been forced to endure when they were at the school.</p>
      <p>"Armed? Who said anything about being armed?" Remus asked in response.</p>
      <p>Hermione was the first one to catch on the fact that they might be having two separate conversations. "Prof. Lupin… we've been talking about the sword presented to Godric Gryffindor by the Goblin Nation after he fought to protect them. What are you talking about?" she asked slowly.</p>
      <p>Remus' face went blank as his mind tried to reboot. When it finally did, he sighed in relief. "Ohhh… you were talking about the actual Sword of Gryffindor. That makes so much more sense," he chuckled.</p>
      <p>"Right. What were you talking about?" Hermione pressed again.</p>
      <p>Remus blushed before answering. "I… uh… you see, your father and grandfather both used the euphemism 'Sword of Gryffindor' to talk about their penises," he explained.</p>
      <p>"So you thought I was talking about my…" Harry started to say before he blushed a deep crimson. The twins caught on and broke out into howling laughter. Harry glared at the twin closest to him and asked, "OK, so if you didn't tell the Wizarding world I'm the heir of Gryffindor, what did you say?"</p>
      <p>Fred wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. "Pretty much all we said was you have an enormous penis," he laughed.</p>
      <p>As it is with all large gatherings, there is an ebb and flow to the general conversations and noise level. Unfortunately for Harry, it was in one of these low valleys of noise when most students were taking a sip from their goblets when he blurted out, "Come on guys! It's not that big. It's only eight maybe nine inches at most!" After the largest simultaneous spit take in Hogwarts history, all eyes locked onto Harry.</p>
      <p>Sensing his friends great discomfort, Fred jumped up and yelled, "He was talking about his wand, you bloody perverts! Get back to eating!"</p>
      <p>Most of the great hall sighed in relief while a few looked thoughtful as they went back to eating their breakfast and chatting with their friends. One of those who looked thoughtful and a little confused was Prof. Dumbledore. "Is everything alright, Albus?" Prof. McGonagall inquired.</p>
      <p>Her voice brought the Headmaster back to the here and now. "What? Oh yes, I'm fine, Minerva. I was just questioning my memory. I could have sworn that Ollivander said Harry's wand was 11 inches during the wand weighing ceremony," he muttered.</p>
      <p>"Ah… I see," Prof. McGonagall replied. She sat back in her chair and tried to process that bit of information. "<em>Not that I'll ever complain, but how on earth does my star quidditch player manage to fly on a broom with that thing?"</em> she wondered to herself.</p>
      <p>Fred sat back down and looked downright shaken. "Are you saying that monster gets even bigger when hard?!" he whispered to Harry in alarm.</p>
      <p>Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly Fred (or George), that's a silly question. From what I've read, that's how most penises work," she told him. "I also read that the average penis size is around six inches, so while Harry's penis may be 30%-50% larger, it's definitely not the largest penis ever seen. Again, according to what I've read, the largest penis on record is around 13 inches," she said going into lecture mode. She stopped when she noticed that other than Harry, the rest of her friends looked like they had just come face to face with a mountain troll, something she knew from experience was terrifying.</p>
      <p>"Are you trying to tell me that the average muggle is packing a whopping six inches of man meat under their belt?" George choked out.</p>
      <p>"When aroused, yes," Hermione replied. "Why? Is it not the same in the wizarding world?" she inquired.</p>
      <p>The wizards at the table looked at each other, waiting for one of the others to speak first. They all looked uncomfortable. "According to Wizards' Health Quarterly, the average wizard's staff is only about three inches. Four inches would make a really well hung wizard," George explained eventually.</p>
      <p>Hermione gazed off into the distance as she mulled over this detail. Her face lit up when a very logical conclusion occurred to her. "That actually makes perfect sense. I'm sure by 'wizard' the magazine meant pure-blood wizard," she exclaimed.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, more than likely. So what?" Fred challenged.</p>
      <p>"There have been several studies done with animals in regards to inbreeding of the likes that comes from a small, closed population like the pure-bloods. One of the common results is some form of dwarfism. In this case, it manifests in a shrinking of the penis," Hermione explained. "There would always be a random throwback to early times like what showed up in Harry's father and grandfather. That combined with the muggle DNA, provided by Harry's mother, would account for Harry's extra large penis," she stated. She saw Harry blush again. "Sorry Harry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I was just trying to explain to our friends that you aren't some sort of freak. In fact you're far from it," she told him. Hermione looked back at Remus. "This also explains another <em>HUGE</em> issue in the wizarding world," she said.</p>
      <p>His Marauder Sense kicking in, Remus caught himself asking, "What issue?"</p>
      <p>Hermione gave him a mean smirk. "Why the pure-bloods have such a problem with muggle born and half-bloods, of course. They're all suffering from an extreme case of penis envy," she said.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Harry POtter, Unexpected Animagus</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Chapter 4</strong>
      </p>
      <p>The breakfast finally wound down with Remus making it a point to not even look at a sausage for the remainder of the meal. Harry on the other hand had several servings of sausage, bacon, steak and eggs, and a small bit of fruit. For some reason, his usual favorite of pancakes with syrup just didn't sound good to him. The group got up and left the Great Hall with Neville taking the lead. Luna Lovegood got up from the Ravenclaw table and tagged along with her new friends from Gryffindor.</p>
      <p>Once they were well on their way to the classroom on the 6th floor that Professor McGonagall had set aside for the group's use, the twins shared a guilty look and jogged ahead to catch up with Neville. When they caught up with him, Fred stopped the young man by placing his hand gently on Neville's shoulder. "Hey Neville, wait up a bit," Fred requested softly.</p>
      <p>"Sure, wh-what's up?" Neville cautiously replied. He had worked hard on getting rid of his stutter, but he found it still cropping back up under times of stress. He classified being singled out by the two Clown Princes of Hogwarts as definitely something to stress out over. His anxiety lessened a little when he saw the genuine look of remorse on the twins faces.</p>
      <p>George started the explanation. "We were reviewing our broadcast of the first task to see how we did and what we could do better for the second task…" he stated.</p>
      <p>"When we realized that you were probably listening in on your Wizard Wireless in the stands," Fred finished for his twin. "It was never our intention to offended anyone who didn't deserve it, but then it dawned on us that we may have offended you by accident," he said.</p>
      <p>"For that we're very sorry," the twins announced in unison.</p>
      <p>Neville thought back to the broadcast and couldn't think of anything that would have even remotely offended him. He found the fake commercials about a certain potions professor funny enough to make him laugh himself out of his seat. "No worries, guys. I wasn't offended at all," he told them.</p>
      <p>The twins shared a look of relief between themselves before patting Neville on the back. "See George, I told you he was a decent bloke and wouldn't hold it against us," George said.</p>
      <p>"No Fred, I told <em>you</em> he was thick skinned and wouldn't let something like that bother him," Fred replied.</p>
      <p>Neville smiled back at the twins and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what part did you think I would be offended at?"</p>
      <p>"The parts about Snape since you know… with you being bent and all," Fred replied.</p>
      <p>"WHAT!?" Neville yelled, taking a step back from the twins in shock. "I'm not gay!" he nearly shouted.</p>
      <p>George held up his hands in a calming gesture. "Neville, it's ok. We all know and there is no reason for you to hide it anymore," he said in a reassuring voice.</p>
      <p>Fred waved his hand between himself and his twin. "Just so you know, WE will not think any differently about you and we will still be your friends," he stated firmly. George nodded his head in agreement.</p>
      <p>"I'm not gay!" Neville repeated.</p>
      <p>Hermione and Harry had been sitting back, listening in and not knowing what to say. Hermione saw the look of confusion in Neville's face and decided to try and clear things up. "For your information you two, we don't <em>know</em> that Neville is gay. It's only been assumed up to this point," she reminded the twins.</p>
      <p>"Wh-What?!" Neville stammered, not believing his ears.</p>
      <p>Hermione gave Neville a little smile. "Like the twins said, not one of us will think any differently about you and we will always be your friends. It's ok to come out of the closet," she told him reassuringly.</p>
      <p>Neville held up one hand for Hermione to stop while he used the other to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Just wait a tick," he ordered and tried to get his thoughts together. "Why do you all think I'm bent?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>Everyone but Harry looked at each other before speaking. For his part, Harry was just leaning on the wall watching how this all played out with his expression carefully neutral. Hermione took a deep breath and spoke first. "Well Neville, I've been to your dorm room several times over the years," she started to say. "...shut it you!" she snarled at the large black dog that had begun to bark lightly as if laughing. Hermione ignored Padfoot and went on speaking. "Well, Neville, your area is immaculate. You always keep everything so nice and tidy unlike your dorm mates," she told Neville.</p>
      <p>Fred jumped in next. "And you enjoy gardening more than Quidditch. Not that there's anything wrong with that," he explained hastily. "We know Hermione only goes to watch the games because Harry is in them," he added.</p>
      <p>George let loose with the last bit of evidence. "And well, you know there's your name. I mean… '<em>Neville'</em>… come on, your parents must have had some seer blood to name you that. The only names we can think of that sound more bent are Lucius and Bruce," he told the younger Gryffindor.</p>
      <p>"I get Lucius sounding fairly bent, but why Bruce?" Harry inquired. When he thought about it, he realized none of the wizards he knew or had even heard of were named Bruce.</p>
      <p>Fred and George shrugged their shoulders. "Not really sure to be honest," George said.</p>
      <p>"It's just been a name associated with being bent in the wizarding world for as long as anyone could remember," Fred stated. Remus and Padfoot nodded their heads in agreement.</p>
      <p>Hermione rolled eyes at the rest of the group. "Honestly… am I the only one who has read Hogwarts: a History?" she sighed loudly. When she saw everyone was looking at her, she went on. "In 1413 there was a Hogwarts Headmaster who was later referred to as Bruce the Barmy Buggerer. He received that title after he admitted that he spent his Summer holidays trying to accomplish his lifetime goal of having sex with at least one male member of every magical species, sentient or not. His quest ended tragically in 1415 during a full moon when he tried to add a werewolf to his list," she explained.</p>
      <p>Harry raised his hand and asked, "Can I be the first to say that's gross? No offense, Moony."</p>
      <p>Remus nodded and offered, "None taken, Harry. I second the motion that the concept of a buggering magical creatures is gross and more than a bit disturbing. All in agreement raise their hands," he suggested. Padfoot sat on his haunches and raised a paw while everyone else raised a hand. "Motion passes, we shall never speak again of Bruce the Barmy Buggerer," he proclaimed with a shudder.</p>
      <p>Luna muttered under her breath, "<em>Silly Gryffindors," </em>and shook her head slightly in amusement. She gave them her usual dreamy smile and stepped forward. "Instead of working with just assumptions, perhaps it would be easier to simply perform a simple experiment and make a judgement based off of the results provided," she suggested clearly showing her Ravenclaw nature.</p>
      <p>"Wh-what d-d-do you have in mind, Luna?" Neville stuttered.</p>
      <p>Luna shrugged her shoulders and replied, "This." She rushed forward and pinned Neville up against the wall with her body. Before he could react, she pressed her lips against his. Soon after, she slipped her tongue between his lips and deepened the kiss. For a moment, Neville just stood there unable to move in shock. Soon however, he closed his eyes and got into the swing of things, kissing Luna back. Neville's eyes sprung open and widen to almost house elf sized proportions when Luna shot her hand down his school trousers and gave his other <em>wand</em> a good squeeze.</p>
      <p>Luna pulled her hand out of Neville's trousers and took a step back. She noticed that everyone else in the hallway were looking at her in shock as if she had a snorlack sitting on her shoulder. With a shrug she gave them the results of her experiment. "While there is no way to rule out whether or not Neville is bisexual, I can state with relative certainty that Neville does in fact enjoy intimate physical contact with females," she told them.</p>
      <p>Fred blinked a few times and then softly asked, "Dear brother, did I just see Luna give Neville's beater bat a pre-game game check up?"</p>
      <p>"From the look on Nev's face, I think she also made sure he was using a set of regulation quaffles as well," George replied.</p>
      <p>Harry stood up from leaning on the opposite wall and walked over to the twins with his hand out. "Pay up," was all he said. Fred and George each dug into their pockets and pulled out a silver sickle and handed them over to Harry, never once taking their eyes off of Neville. Harry slipped the coins into his pocket and then gave Neville a nod and a wink. "Never doubted you, Nev," he said proudly.</p>
      <p>His blush rapidly reaching a near dangerous Weasley level, Neville nodded back to Harry. "Um… if you would all excuse me, I'm going to uh… that is… well, I'm going to go take a shower," he blurted out quickly before spinning around and heading off to the Gryffindor tower as fast as the pressing matter in his trousers would let him.</p>
      <p>Harry watched Luna's face take on a look of hurt before she plastered on her usual mask of dreamy obliviousness. He leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, "I would be willing to bet my broom that Nev's not racing to the showers to wash because he feels dirty that you kissed him. I'm pretty sure he's off to uh… polish his wand so to speak."</p>
      <p>Luna's brows creased in confusion as she tried to understand what proper wand maintenance had anything to do with what she had just done. After a moment, her literal thinking mind remembered that people often spoke about one thing while describing something else… a metaphor she thought they were called. When she thought of it that way, she realized what Harry was trying to say.</p>
      <p>"Oh! You mean that since Neville was obviously sexually excited by me kissing him and then grabbing his penis, he has gone off to relieve that tension by masturbating in the shower," Luna surmised loudly. Before Harry could reply she added, "That sounds like a good idea. I think I shall go back to my room and use my new Harry Potter brand vibrating wand to give myself a few good orgasms. Goodbye, Harry Potter, Hermione, Twins, no longer Prof. Lupin, and a black dog who isn't really a dog but really Stubby Boardman in disguise." She waved goodbye and quickly skipped down the hall on her way to the Ravenclaw Tower.</p>
      <p>The group stood still trying to process what they had just seen. Eventually Hermione folded her arms and turned to look at her boyfriend. "Alright mister, spill," she ordered.</p>
      <p>Harry smirked and replied, "I'm a very light sleeper and Neville talks in his sleep. I've heard him mention both Luna and Ginny in his sleep. The next morning he usually has to hit both his sheets and pajamas with a <em>scourgify</em>. I overheard the twins talking about them thinking Neville was bent and how they felt bad that they might have offended him. It wasn't too hard to get them to agree to a bet on whether or not Neville was gay." He frowned for a moment before he asked, "Why would Luna have a vibrating wand? Wouldn't that make casting a spell almost impossible? And also… Why does it have my name attached with it? I never gave permission to anyone to use my name on anything."</p>
      <p>Hermione blushed and glanced at her feet in embarrassment. She happened to own a top of the line Harry Potter vibrating wand. In fact, it was her third one since she had worn out the others. "I'll explain later," she muttered to Harry. With a bit of a devious smirk she added, "What I will say is that you are absolutely correct. When used properly, it is nearly impossible to cast any kind of spell with those wands or even make any coherent thoughts."</p>
      <p>"You mean it also casts a confundus curse on the person using it?" Harry asked, his face looking horrified.</p>
      <p>"Um… something like that," Hermione answered with another blush.</p>
      <p>Remus started chuckling to himself and then laughed out loud while Padfoot's tail wagged so fast it was a blur. "I can't believe Harry managed to prank the twins <em>and</em> have a line of witch's helpers named after him. Prongs would be so proud," Remus sniffed, wiping a tear of pride from his eye.</p>
      <p>The tender moment was broken by Professor Flitwick running up to them and skidding to a halt. "Oh good, I've found you, Mr. Potter!" he exclaimed while catching his breath. "A representative from Gringotts just flooed the headmaster's office and demanded to speak with you. He seemed very angry and wouldn't take no for an answer. Professor Dumbledore finally relented and gave permission for the goblin to use his office for a meeting with you," he explained. When no one moved, Flitwick put his hands on his hips. "What are you waiting for… move! You should never keep a goblin waiting!" he ordered.</p>
      <p>Curious as to what was going on (and not totally trusting Dumbledore where Harry was concerned), Remus and Padfoot followed Harry to the Headmaster's office. When they reached the stone gargoyle in front of Dumbledore's office, the twins broke off to go plot a prank to get back at Harry for tricking them. Hermione started to go off with them before Harry grabbed her hand. "I would rather my brilliant girlfriend come with me on this. Who knows what kind of trouble I could into without you there. You're the only one I know who actually stays awake in Binns' classes on Goblin Rebellions," he pleaded with a wink. "Besides, it's not like I plan on there ever being any secrets between us," he added. Hermione squeezed his hand in thanks as the stone gargoyle stepped aside.</p>
      <p>Once the group was inside the office, they found a goblin wearing a dark business suit seated behind Dumbledore's desk. The Headmaster was standing to the side of the desk near Fawkes who was sitting regally on his golden perch. Professor McGonagall was standing near the floo with her usual stoic gaze. Professor Flitwick followed Lupin and the huge black dog into the room and then stood near the door. The little Charms teacher was shocked when the dog transformed in a black blur leaving Sirius Black looking rather confused. Considering none of the other people in the Headmaster's office seemed concerned that a mass murder and the supposed betrayer of the Potters was in their midst, Flitwick decided to just remain quiet and see how things played out.</p>
      <p>Sirius stepped forward to get a better look at the goblin behind Dumbledore's desk. When he finally recognized the goblin, his eyebrows rose in surprise. "Knutsack?!" he wondered out loud. Harry and Hermione looked at Sirius as if he had gone insane, wondering why he was insulting the goblin. Sirius pointed at the goblin. "That's his name… Knutsack. He's the youngest of three brothers: Galleonchest, Sicklebag, and Knutsack," he explained.</p>
      <p>Stepping closer, Sirius looked the goblin over and then motioned towards Knutsack's head. "I almost didn't recognize you since you trimmed off your ear hair. I bet all the goblin ladies just can't resist running their hands all over a freshly shaved Knutsack," he said with a suggestive wink.</p>
      <p>Knutsack leaned forward and rested his forehead in his hands wearily. "Black… I should have known this day was just going to get worse," he moaned. He straightened up and glared at Sirius. "Shouldn't you be in Azkaban?" Knutsack snarled.</p>
      <p>"I got bored so I let myself out," Sirius replied with a shrug. Looking over the goblin once more, he put a fake frown on his face. "Are you getting enough rest? You're looking a little droopy there, Knutsack," he stated.</p>
      <p>Harry stepped forward and raised his hand to be noticed. When the goblin looked up at him, Harry spoke. "On behalf of the rest of wizarding kind I would just like to apologize for the behavior of Sirius Black. We only recently got him housebroken again," he said solemnly.</p>
      <p>Sirius shot Harry a dirty look. "A few accidents while in dog form and they never let you live it down," he muttered under his breath. His expression brightening, Sirius stepped back and stood next to Harry. "Where are my manners?" he asked rhetorically. "I should introduce you two since this fine goblin is in charge of the Potter accounts. Senior Account Manager Knutsack, may I present Harry Potter, son of James and Lily Potter. Harry… Knutsack," he proclaimed, waving his arm between the goblin and his godson.</p>
      <p>Remus leaned over and whispered to Sirius, "How long have you been waiting to say that?"</p>
      <p>"14 years, so don't ruin the moment!" Sirius hissed back quietly.</p>
      <p>Knutsack motioned towards the two chairs in front of the desk. Taking the hint, Harry and Hermione sat down. "Like Harry said, sir, we would like to apologize for Mr. Black's making fun of your name," Hermione said sincerely. Harry nodded his head in agreement.</p>
      <p>Knutsack chuckled before responding. "If it were any other wizard, I would have removed my name sake from him, but I know how this juvenile in a man's body operates. It is only the fact that he treats me with the same respect as he showed his best friend that has stayed my blade," he replied. "Besides, I always feel a bit better when I think about how that odd bit of hair surrounding a goblin's rectum is referred to as a 'sirius'," he said with a straight face. Flitwick's snicker was the only sign that Knutsack might be joking. From the sour look on Sirius' face, it was clear he didn't know if he was being pranked or not. "I also find it amusing that humans are still using my name as a euphemism for a scrotum. It's good to see that wizards are able to retain some lessons after how hard we fought to teach them," Knutsack said.</p>
      <p>Knowing that she really was the only one in the last century to stay awake for all of Professor Binns' classes, Hermione decided to explain. "The term Knutsack being used for scrotum came about during the Goblin / Wizard conflict of 1628. I say conflict because I disagree with calling these armed conflicts 'Rebellions'. The goblins have never actually been under the rule of human wizards and therefore could not truly being rebelling," she stated.</p>
      <p>Knutsack gave Hermione an appraising glance and nodded happily to himself. His contacts had told him much about this young witch. She was reported to be frighteningly smart and hated any kind of unequal treatment of any sentient. Knutsack wondered, not for the first time, if there was any truth to the goblin legend that the Morgan le Fey herself had enchanted the Potter line so that the male heirs would only find and marry the brightest, most caring witch of their generation and never be satisfied with anyone else.</p>
      <p>"During the conflict of 1628, it became a common custom of the goblins to cut off the scrotum of any wizard who tried to cheat them or even just annoyed them greatly. The goblins would then tan the skin and use them for coinpurses - knutsacks so to speak," Hermione continued to explain. All of the males in the room except for Flitwick and Knutsack flinched and unconsciously crossed their legs.</p>
      <p>Knutsack let there be an uncomfortable silence for a few moments while the wizards looked very much at unease. "Enough happy thoughts of the glorious days of yore. Let's get down to why I was forced to come to Hogwarts to have this meeting," he said, clearly annoyed. He stared at Harry and was surprised when the young wizard didn't flinch. "Mr. Potter, I can understand you not responding to the occasional request I have sent you over the years. I know how you wizards find dealing with us nothing more than a tiresome chore, but I can't fathom why you have failed to respond to the numerous summons we have issued since your 14th birthday this last summer. I sent these summons attached to your monthly statements so I know you should have received them," Knutsack chided sharply.</p>
      <p>Dumbledore frowned down at Harry. "I'm very disappointed in you, Harry. Part of growing up is accepting your growing responsibilities and your duties as the last Potter definitely fall into that category. As the last head of a very old and powerful family, it is your duty to go over every monthly statement from Gringotts to make sure they are following your wishes in regards to the Potter fortune," he said, shaking his head sadly.</p>
      <p>Before Harry could respond, Professor McGonagall spoke up. "Before you go any farther, Albus, I should point out that since Harry has come to Hogwarts I have never once seen a Gringotts' owl come to Harry. I should know, I always try and keep an eye out for my cubs," she said challengingly.</p>
      <p>Dumbledore gave her a satisfied smile. "Of course you haven't seen any Gringotts' owls for Harry. The only owls that I have allowed through the owl redirection wards that I placed on Harry are Hedwig and a very select few other owls from families and individuals that I am sure won't be a danger to him," he explained.</p>
      <p>"And how exactly was Mr. Potter supposed to receive his monthly statements and any other correspondence from Gringotts?" Knutsack asked dangerously.</p>
      <p>"By the usual Gringotts' owl of course! … oh wait… oh… oops," Dumbledore replied as he realized his mistake, looking slightly embarrassed. A glance over at Knutsack who had his hand on his dagger and was staring at Dumbledore's crotch lent some urgency to the matter. "I think I shall leave this meeting in the capable hands of my Deputy Headmistress while I go and adjust the wards I set up when I dropped off Harry with his loving relatives all those years ago," he said brightly. A pair of very canine like growls from both Remus and Sirius made him rethink that plan as well. "Or perhaps I shall go take down the ward all together," he said quickly as he picked up the hem of his robe and hurried out of his office.</p>
      <p>"Arrogant or just senile?" Knutsack asked the group.</p>
      <p>"Arrogant!" Sirius and Remus snarled while McGonagall and Flitwick moaned, "Senile!"</p>
      <p>Knutsack shook his head and then looked back over at Harry. "My apologies, Mr. Potter. We at Gringotts have known for a while that Dumbledore has been responsible for irregularities in the past, but never thought it had become this bad," he admitted. "Do you prefer Mr. Potter or the-boy-who-lived as many in the wizarding world refer to you?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>"No apologies needed, Senior Account Manager Knutsack, and please, call me Harry," Harry replied with a smile.</p>
      <p>"Very well, Harry. You may refer to me as Knutsack since I also find hyphenated names annoying. I myself have been known as He-who-has-quite-the-collection-of-wizard-scrotums-on-display-in-his-quarters," Knutsack joked. He sat back down at Dumbledore's desk and then leaned over to pick up a small wooden chest bound with metal bands. "Just so you know, this was supposed to happen on your 14th birthday, Harry," he stated. Knutsack sighed deeply and pulled out a sheet of parchment from his jacket pocket. "This was written by your father in case he passed beyond and was unable to be there for you," he told Harry. Knutsack then read the words he had been instructed to say in accordance to the will of the late James Potter. "Today marks a great day for you, Harry James Potter. Today you turn 14 and by the traditions of the great and terrible Marauders, you are offered admission to into our secret brotherhood. Inside this chest lays the greatest treasure of the Marauders and a few memories set aside for you should I not be able to guide you in the mysterious ways of the Marauders. Hopefully Moony, Padfoot, or Wormtail are still there to tell you how to open this chest that can only be opened by those who have the heart of a Marauder. If my brothers have joined me in what Dumbledore calls 'the next great adventure' then ask Minerva. She has known this whole time and never let on she knew. I like to think of her as the foundation that the Marauders grew from. Anyway, this chest and what lies inside now belongs to you, Harry," Knutsack read. He paused for a moment, grabbed something else out of his coat pocket, and rolled his eyes. "Mazal Tov," he said blandly and tossed a handful of confetti over his shoulder. Knutsack stood up from behind the desk and made his way to the floo. "With that, Harry, I take my leave. Time is money and I've spent enough here," he said. He turned a sharp gaze onto McGonagall. "I trust there will be no further interference with the communications between Gringotts and our client," he snarled.</p>
      <p>McGonagall nodded in assent. "If I find out there is interference thanks to a certain professor, I will personally drag him by his… coinpurse… into the bank and let you deal with him," she offered. Knutsack nodded back, tossed some powder into the fire, spoke a phrase in Gobbledegook, and stepped through the glowing green flames. Harry looked over his shoulder at his godfather and honorary uncle once the goblin had left, questions in his eyes.</p>
      <p>"It was the summer before our fourth year that the James, Sirius, and the rat found out their animagus forms and we decided on our nicknames. It was also the year we chose to start calling ourselves the Marauders," Remus explained. He gave Harry a proud but slightly sad smile. He pointed to the chest and gently said, "I believe you already know the password, Harry."</p>
      <p>Harry nodded once and stood up slowly. He took one step towards the desk and drew his wand. He placed the tip of his wand on top of the chest. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," Harry whispered. A small click was heard from inside the chest and the lid opened up by itself. Every one crept closer to look at what was contained inside.</p>
      <p>"I thought that had been destroyed in the house at Godric Hollow," Remus muttered reverently.</p>
      <p>Minerva McGonagall gave out a very feline hiss of fear as she caught site of the main thing in the chest. "By Helga's Huge Hooters," she swore. "Please tell me that isn't what I think it is. I'm not sure my heart can take that thing being back in the castle," she pleaded.</p>
      <p>Harry looked between his Head of House and his one time teacher. He looked closer at what the chest held. Along with a small crystal vial full of a gray, swirling liquid there was a plain journal bound in simple brown leather. "Um… no offense to the Marauders, but that looks an awful lot like a diary and ever since my second year, diaries give me the creeps," he said in an offhand manner. Harry picked up the crystal vial. "I definitely don't trust a potion I don't recognize," he added.</p>
      <p>McGonagall's eyes had gone a little misty when she looked at the vial. "That's not a potion, Mr. Potter. That's a pensive memory. I would gather it's a memory your father left just for you," she told Harry.</p>
      <p>Remus laid his hand down gently on the book in the chest. "And this isn't a diary, Harry. This is the Marauder Notebook. It contains notes on all of our pranks. All of the potion work, charms, and transfigurations that went into some of the greatest pranks of all time," he said fondly as he picked up the journal. "It is my great honor to hand this over to you, Harry, however, we haven't come up with a name for you yet," Remus told him, his eyes dancing with mischief.</p>
      <p>"Very good point, Moony," Sirius agreed. "Hmm… let me think. Scales… no too Slytherin sounding. Flamer? No wrong connotation I think. Draco's taken and it's too similar to Flamer. Bolt? No, that's too obvious considering the scar is the first thing the sheeple look at," Padfoot muttered loudly.</p>
      <p>Hermione chuckled when she thought about how Harry had a problem containing his dragon flame while in his animagus form. "Scorch!" she blurted out.</p>
      <p>"Scorch… I like it," Sirius agreed.</p>
      <p>"Wait a minute. Don't I get say?" Harry begged.</p>
      <p>"Of course you don't, Harry," Hermione replied. "You can't pick your own nickname. Look at the rat. You don't think he chose to be called Wormtail do you?" she countered.</p>
      <p>"It is decided. Scorch, son of Prongs, welcome to the Marauders!" Remus declared and thrust the journal at Harry.</p>
      <p>Harry took the journal and smiled despite his nickname. When he thought about it, he doubted his father had wanted to be called Prongs after all. "Thanks, guys," he said with all of his heart.</p>
      <p>Professor mcGonagall sighed loudly. "Mr. Potter, if I have a heart attack brought on by you sharing that journal with a certain set of twins, I will come back and haunt you!" she threatened. Her words lost their menace when her lips twitched into a slight smile while she said it.</p>
      <p>Professor Flitwick was grinning from ear to ear. The identity of the Marauders was the worst kept secret on the staff back when they were in school. As their Charms Professor, he had always admired the artistry the boys had put into their pranks and was hoping Harry would let him look at the journal. He also looked forward to Harry and Hermione (he was too much of a realist to not expect her to help the man she loved) to take the advanced work done by the Marauders and use it to build upon and come up with even greater examples of applied Charms. "This definitely calls for a celebration! House elves, some party refreshments, please," he called out.</p>
      <p>Several small tables appeared around the office. On them were slices of cake and bottles of butterbeer. McGonagall picked up a bottle and toasted James and the Marauders by tapping her bottle against Flitwick's. She had nearly finished her drink when she looked over at Harry and realized he was just finishing a piece of cake. "MR. POTTER! What are you doing?!" she exclaimed as she rushed over to her cub. Harry's look of confusion told her that he had no idea what she was talking about. She glared at Sirius. "I know you have a questionable sense of humour, but I would think that even you would have warned Harry about his new dietary restrictions!" she scolded him.</p>
      <p>"Huh?" Sirius replied.</p>
      <p>McGonagall rolled her eyes in annoyance. "The dietary changes brought on by his body meshing with his animagus form!" she huffed. "Are you trying to tell me you have no idea what I'm talking about?" she demanded.</p>
      <p>Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "My animagus form is a dog. They'll eat anything," he admitted.</p>
      <p>"I'll say. I remember that one time I walked in on you performing oral sex on Miss Gertren during our 7th year," Remus reminded his old friend. Looking over at Harry, Remus explained, "Imagine if Crabbe and Goyle had an illegitimate love child who happened to be a girl." Hermione and Harry turned a bit green at the thought.</p>
      <p>"I was drunk and it was dare," Sirius whined.</p>
      <p>McGonagall sighed wearily. "If I had a galleon for every time I heard that from you in my office…" she muttered. "Did it never occur to you ask why James became a vegetarian during his 4th year?" she asked.</p>
      <p>Sirius and Remus nodded their heads when the pieces fell together. "I just thought he was trying to impress the ladies or something," Sirius admitted. Harry's sudden pained expression distracted the old Marauder. "Harry, are you okay?" he asked, placing his hand on his godson's shoulder.</p>
      <p>McGonagall placed her hand on Harry's other shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Harry. I thought Sirius or Moony would think of explaining this. This… this won't be very pleasant I'm afraid," she told him. "Like me, your animagus form is primarily a carnivore and therefore lacking the proper metabolism to break down wheat," she explained.</p>
      <p>As if on cue, Harry doubled over as pain in his stomach flared. A loud <em>thrrrrrrrrrp </em>sounded from his lower half. Remus, his werewolf senses being enhanced even in his human form, staggered backwards. "Godds, Harry!" he swore.</p>
      <p>The rest of the people stepped away from Harry as they registered the foul smell. The stench drifted over to Fawkes who went rigid with one eye twitching for a moment. Eventually the phoenix's eyes rolled back in his head and he fell off his perch backwards.</p>
      <p>"Slytherin's saggy scrotum, Harry! Give a guy a warning!" Sirius demanded between coughs as he held his hand up to his nose to block the smell.</p>
      <p>Instead of replying, Harry bent over again in pain. This time his loud fart was accompanied by a jet of flame coming from his backside. Luckily he was far enough from any of the bookcases to set anything on fire. A sudden white light started to form around Harry for a second time. Hermione recognized the light and rushed to Harry despite his smelly condition. "You're not going anywhere without me, Potter!" she announced as she wrapped her arms around Harry. The light continued to grow even more intense until everyone had to close their eyes. A familiar 'boing' sounded as the light faded away. Both Harry and Hermione had disappeared as the castle sent them away for both their safety as well as Hogwarts'.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>**Unexpected Animagus**</strong>
      </p>
      <p>The light faded away and Hermione found herself holding Harry in the Forbidden Forest. They were in the middle of a different clearing from the one they had found Harry in the day before. Harry gave Hermione a panicked look before he ran off to put a line of trees between himself and her. The groans, grunts, and other unpleasant noises told Hermione she should give Harry his privacy.</p>
      <p>While Harry was in the throws of his body purging the wheat out of his system, one of the magically enchanted squirrels came out from the tree line dragging a leaf full of nuts behind it. When it saw Hermione, the squirrel stopped and glared at her. It put one tiny paw on its hip and pointed back towards Harry with the other. A stream of squeaks and chirps let Hermione know the squirrel was quite put out. "I'm getting as bad as Luna," Hermione moaned when she realized she was about to try and have a conversation with a squirrel. "Come on, it can't be that bad," she told the squirrel.</p>
      <p>A loud boom accompanied by a small mushroom cloud drifting up beyond the the tops of the trees cut her argument short. Harry's moan of, "That is sooo not right," let her focus back on the squirrel.</p>
      <p>"Here let me help you with that," Hermione offered as she cast a featherlight charm on the nuts and the leaf. Once the squirrel was safely on the other side of the clearing, Hermione called out to Harry, "Are you okay, Harry?!"</p>
      <p>"Not really. At least I can now say I know what brimstone looks like," Harry yelled back. "I would kiss Fluffy for a bogroll right now," he complained.</p>
      <p>"You could always transfigure something into one," Hermione suggested.</p>
      <p>A few moans and other disgusting sounds kept Harry from responding right away. Eventually he said, "I would, but all I have near me is a bunch of pinecones. I'm afraid that in my state my transfiguration won't hold and the bogroll will revert back in mid-wipe."</p>
      <p>Hermione grimaced at that thought. "Ouch," she whispered. She snapped her fingers when a solution occurred to her. "Dobby, Harry Potter needs your help!" she shouted out.</p>
      <p>With a quiet crack, Dobby the house elf appeared at the end of the tree line where he could see both Harry and Hermione. "Ack! The great Harry Potter is on fire!" the hyper house elf screamed. He snapped his finger and suddenly he was wearing a red firefighter helmet and was carrying a large, red muggle style fire extinguisher. "Don't worry, Harry Potter! Dobby will save yous, sir!" Dobby yelled and ran off to help Harry.</p>
      <p>"Thanks, Dobby!" Harry said, sounding relieved. Suddenly Hermione heard Harry's voice take on a frightened tone as the sound of the fire extinguisher being used filled the clearing. "Dobby… what are planning on doing with that? Dobby… that's not where that goes… AHHHHHHHH! BAD TOUCH, DOBBY! BAD TOUCH!" he yelled.</p>
      <p>Eventually the wheat made its way out of Harry's system and he managed to get himself away from Dobby "helping" him. Hermione heard a crack as the house elf disappeared. When Harry walked back around the tree line, Hermione saw his trousers were mostly burned away with what was left covered in white fire extinguisher powder. Even though his clothes were burned, Harry's skin looked like it hadn't ever been exposed to an intense fire. He made his way to her and then looked at the ground. "I wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted to reconsider being my girlfriend," he offered.</p>
      <p>"Did you eat wheat on purpose?" Hermione asked.</p>
      <p>"No, but I…" Harry started to reply before Hermione kissed him.</p>
      <p>"I love you, Harry and it will take a lot more than apocalyptic level bowel movements to get rid of me," she laughed. With a mock serious look she added, "However, if after this you do eat wheat on purpose after we move in together, you are sleeping on the couch, mister!" She took his hand and they made their way back to the castle with Harry vowing to be careful with what he ate from then on.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Chapter 5</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Harry and Hermione waited patiently in Professor Dumbledore's office for the floo to turn green, signalling the secure passage to Gringotts had been opened by the Potter accounts manager, Knutsack. It had been two weeks since they had last met the goblin with the cringe worthy name. During that time, Sirius had explained that the memory vial which had been left for Harry by his father was keyed to only work in a Potter Family pensive. The only one that Sirius knew about was located in the Potter vaults, thus Harry and Hermione's impending trip.</p>
      <p>"Are you sure you want me to go with you, Harry? The memory your father left you will most likely be pretty personal," Hermione asked.</p>
      <p>Without taking his eyes from the fireplace, Harry reached down and took Hermione's hand. "I'm not really sure how healthy relationships are supposed to work, but I'm pretty sure when a guy realizes his relationship with his girlfriend is serious, he is supposed to take her home to meet his parents. This is the closest we'll be able to manage," he replied, his voice shaking slightly.</p>
      <p>Hermione squeezed his hand reassuringly. "So Mr. Potter, are you suggesting our relationship is more than just a school fling?" she asked him teasingly to lighten her boyfriend's mood. As usual Harry took her plans and turned them 90 degrees.</p>
      <p>Harry finally tore his gaze away from the fireplace and looked at Hermione. Even though he knew she was teasing him, he decided to to tell her exactly how he felt. "To answer your question Ms. Granger, I guess I should tell you that when I think about the future, my greatest wish is to have a family where I can be the best husband and father I can possibly be. I honestly can't imagine that future without you being my wife and the mother of our children," he told her from his heart.</p>
      <p>Hermione felt like her chest was going to burst, her love for Harry swelling. To vent some of the pressure, she grabbed Harry and pulled him into a snog that promised much more later. After an indeterminate time, they broke off the kiss when they heard an annoyed sigh coming from the fireplace.</p>
      <p>"Considering how the Potter men seem to spend most of their free time, it's amazing there has only been one child per generation," Knutsack muttered. He met Harry's eyes and then jerked his head back towards his office. "Time is money, Mr. Potter," was all he said before he withdrew his head from the floo.</p>
      <p>The young couple shared an embarrassed smile before Harry gestured towards the floo. "After you, love," Harry offered. Hermione gave him a quick peck on the cheek before stepping into the glowing green flames. Harry reflexively rubbed his cheek where Hermione had kissed him, still not believing his luck on being her boyfriend. With a goofy smile on his face, he followed her through the floo.</p>
      <p>Harry's smile fled rapidly as the floo spit him out, causing him to slide across the polished stone floor of Knutsack's office. The floor was polished so well, Harry could easily see his account manager laughing at him in the reflection. He could also see a display case on one wall that had the dried and tanned remains of several wizards' family jewels. Harry quickly diverted his eyes so as not to have think about that goblin practice.</p>
      <p>"I see you inherited something from your mother other than just her emerald eyes," Knutsack chuckled. He watched Harry's head snap up to look directly at him, his eyes hungry for information about his parents. "Your mother was equally terrible with magic forms of travel. Her inability to ever land on her feet when she came out of floo became so legendary, the Director himself gave us permission to use a goblin made portkey to come and go from the bank," he mused.</p>
      <p>Harry remembered the horrible sensations he had gone through on the few times had used a portkey. If anything, he hated it more than floo travel. However, if it worked for his mother, he wondered if perhaps he should look into asking for the same permission.</p>
      <p>Before he could ask, Hermione joined the conversation. "Did using a portkey help Harry's mother?" she inquired.</p>
      <p>Knutsack chuckled again. "Um… not really. The first time she was scheduled to use it, the Director was waiting for her personally in the receiving room. As soon as your mother landed, she was violently ill all over him. Even though she tried to explain the mess away as her morning sickness do to her being pregnant with young Mr. Potter here, the Director revoked her portkey privileges on the spot," he explained, a grin of fond remembrance on his lips. Harry decided not to ask for portkey permission after all.</p>
      <p>Knutsack waited for Harry to get up off the floor before ushering the two humans towards the door and down a corridor that ended with a door covered in warnings in every possible language. The English version stated, "Bank employees only. All others shall be disemboweled with a blunt spoon while being forced to listen to Yoko Ono songs."</p>
      <p>Hermione paused before the door and gulped audibly. "Considering I like my insides where they are and I have no intent of clawing out my own eardrums, are you sure Harry and I should be using this passage?" she asked.</p>
      <p>Knutsack didn't answer right away. He looked like he was weighing options in his head. "Normally, I wouldn't take any non-bank employees this way, but there has been… ah… well, let's just say an <em>incident</em> with some of the bank's guard dragons that has blocked the use of the railcars for at least a day. However, since the Potters have always been considered an ally of the Goblin Nation, I'm <em>fairly</em> confident any of my superiors we might meet will allow you safe passage," he replied. "Now before we go any farther, I will need you to both promise that you will not reveal to any non-bank employees anything you might see or hear in this part of the bank," he demanded. After Harry and Hermione both gave their verbal pledge to keep whatever was beyond that door confidential, Knutsack nodded his head in acceptance. "Alright, let's go then," he stated as he held the door open.</p>
      <p>Knutsack led them down a short hallway where the walls and ceiling were of the same polished stone as his office floor. The tunnel led to a longer passage lined with ten double doors on each side. Next to each set of doors were a pair of buttons. Knutsack led them to the nearest set of doors and pressed the bottom button. After a moment, a familiar ding sounded and the doors slid aside.</p>
      <p>"It's an elevator," Harry said, stating the obvious.</p>
      <p>"Of course it's an elevator," Knutsack replied. "You don't honestly think we goblins would waste our time taking those ridiculous mine carts whenever we needed to visit one of our clients' vaults, do you?" he inquired rhetorically. "We only use the minecarts to scare the piss out of either the sane or nearly sane wizards and witches," he added. Knutsack made it a point to look directly at Harry, having heard of the young wizard's reactions on his first trip down into the vaults. "The summer of your father and Mr. Black's 16th birthdays found them visiting their trust vaults everyday for two months. It was only after an audit of those vaults and learning they were only withdrawing a sickle a day did we realize they were there only for the cart ride. Like I said, the purpose is to frighten <em>sane</em> or <em>nearly sane</em> wizards," Knutsack shared.</p>
      <p>After the warnings on the door and the seriousness of Knutsack before they were allowed entry into the employee only area of the bank, Harry had been imagining that all sorts of strange and wondrous things were in store. Something as mundane as an elevator hadn't been on his mental radar at all. The mundaneness of the elevators was reinforced when music started playing as they descended into the depths of the banks.</p>
      <p>"At least the music is better than in most of the elevators I've been in," Hermione told Knutsack. "I definitely prefer David Bowie songs to Muzak," she added while glancing around the elevator. She missed the slight wince Knutsack made when she mentioned the famous rockstar.</p>
      <p>The doors opened and Knutsack led them out of the elevator and into a series of passageways that were made of interlocking blocks of stone rather than the smooth, polished stonework of the passages above them. They were at their first intersection when the blare of a ram's horn sounded from in front of them. A second blare from the horn had Knutsack looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but there at that moment . "We are more screwed than a male House-Elf wearing fishnet tights alone with Lucius Malfoy," Knutsack swore with passion.</p>
      <p>Harry was stunned and more than a little disturbed by the phrase his account manager had used. He was about to ask him about it when Hermione grabbed his arm. "Harry, I know what you are thinking. For the love of all that is holy, please don't ask Knutsack about that phrase," Hermione pleaded.</p>
      <p>"Why not?" Harry inquired.</p>
      <p>Hermione looked a little pale as she thought about things. "Knutsack might just answer you," she replied.</p>
      <p>After a moment of deep thought, Harry nodded in agreement. "You a have a valid point there," he conceded.</p>
      <p>The horns blared again, this time from much closer down the hallway. Without saying anything, Knutsack went down on his knees and bowed his head so low it was almost touching the floor. Soon after, a tall man with a large goblin entourage came around the corner. The man had pale skin with white blonde hair that looked like he had just had a intimate encounter with a light socket. He was wearing a blue jacket with countless jewels sewn all over it. His gray leggings were so tight, it was obvious he was not a pure blood wizard. The pointy ears and dramatically arched eyebrows gave that part away as well. The tall man saw Harry and Hermione and stormed over to them, his expression devoid of anything that resembled pleasantness. Harry was trying to come to a conclusion about this strange man, the various aspects of his first impression clashing. For her part, Hermione stood stone still except for her eyes which were blinking rapidly in confusion.</p>
      <p>The tall man stopped only a foot from where Knutsack bowed on the floor. "Would someone please tell me why two humans, who are clearly not bank employees, walking around the restricted corridors?" the man asked sharply. "If I do not get a good answer soon, heads <em>WILL </em>roll! And I mean that literally. We recently added a steep ramp next to the executioner's block with a hole at the bottom. The executioners were getting a bit bored so I thought I might give them something similar to a putting green to keep things fresh," the man told them.</p>
      <p>Knowing he needed to explain things, Knutsack looked up, putting his pointed nose only inches from the large bulge in the man's leggings. "King Jareth, there's no need to get testes- I mean testy- ah nuts- I mean crap!" Knutsack spouted, his line of thinking broken by what was right in front of his nose.</p>
      <p>Jareth scowled down at the goblin in front of him. "Knutsack, isn't it?" he inquired, thinking that he remembered the goblin's name.</p>
      <p>"Yes, and a rather impressive one at that," Knutsack replied in awe. "I mean… yes, my king. I am Senior Account Manager Knutsack," he answered, his brain finally getting back into gear.</p>
      <p>"Well then Knutsack, please explain why you brought two non-employees down here and why I shouldn't turn you three into putting practice for my favorite axegoblins," Jareth ordered.</p>
      <p>Knutsack swallowed hard and stood up, wanting to face his death on his feet like any good goblin should. "I'm sorry, my King, but there was a problem on the main cart rails leading to the more secure vaults. Somehow a thief had made it all the way to the dragons and thought that if they fed the dragons, then perhaps the dragons would befriend them and let the thief plass. Unfortunately for us and the thief, they fed each dragon a large goat stomach filled with muggle beer. We think the thief was under the impression that an inebriated dragon would be easier to deal with than a sober one," he explained hastily.</p>
      <p>Hermione snapped out of her shock and frowned at what she heard. "Oh no… that's awful. The poor dragons," she muttered. After a moment she added, "... the poor cleaning crew!" When she saw Harry's confused expression she explained. "The primary three ingredients in beer are wheat, barley, and hops. Barley gluten is so similar to wheat gluten that it reacts the same in the bodies of people or creatures that can't breakdown wheat gluten," she stated. After Harry's first explosive introduction to the horrors of being gluten intolerant, she had owled her mother for any information she could get on Celiac disease and conditions similar to it. Harry cringed when he understood what she was saying.</p>
      <p>For his part, Jareth also looked a little disturbed. "Remind me, Scrotum, how many dragons do we have in that area," he ordered.</p>
      <p>"It's Knutsack, my King," Knutsack managed to say.</p>
      <p>Jareth glared down at the goblin, bending over slightly, his eyes full of mischief. "Are you correcting me, Scrotum?" he inquired, his voice full of mock sweetness.</p>
      <p>"No, my King!" Knutsack replied quickly.</p>
      <p>Jareth straightened up and put his hands on his hips. "I didn't think so," he said in an offhand manner. "How many dragons, Testiclepouch?" he asked again.</p>
      <p>Trying not to let his sigh be noticed, Knutsack simply said, "Seven."</p>
      <p>"Seven? Seven dragons with wheat poisoning? Dear gods, it must be wall to wall flaming dragon shit up there," Jareth muttered. Shaking his head to clear it of that foul image, Jareth asked, "What happened to the thief?"</p>
      <p>For the first time since he had laid eyes on his king, Knutsack smiled. "We've been able to recover only about 25% of the thief's body. Apparently the thief was standing directly behind one of the dragons when the inevitable result of dragon wheat poisoning was… released explosively," he replied.</p>
      <p>The passageway was still as everybody let that sink in. Jareth was the first to break the silence. "Well… normally we deal with thieves in a different way, but I can't honestly say I could come up with a more appropriate punishment for this particular thief," he stated. Nodding his head as he made another decision Jareth moved his arm in a sweeping motion to point back the way he had come. "Knutsack, your explanation of why you brought these two down here is acceptable, if just barely. You may proceed," he decreed with a flourish.</p>
      <p>"Thank you, my King!" Knutsack said with feeling. He grabbed Harry's arm and started to drag him away. They only made it a few steps before he realized Hermione had stayed behind.</p>
      <p>Jareth looked down at Hermione, wondering why she had stayed. She quickly let him know. "Forgive me for asking, your highness, but I'm muggleborn and well… you see, my dad has been a rabid fan and I grew up on the music and…" Hermione stated, not quite sure how to phrase her question.</p>
      <p>When she had mentioned muggleborn, Jareth knew what she was asking, causing him to grin despite himself. "Everyone should have a hobby, don't you think? Mine happens to be singing. David is my stage name," he told her.</p>
      <p>Without realizing she was speaking, Hermione muttered, "That actually explains a lot." She blushed when she realized she had said that out loud. "Sorry, like I said. My dad and I big fans," she apologized.</p>
      <p>Jareth's grin grew into a full smile. "Then I'm even more glad that I didn't have you killed. It would quite a shame to kill someone with such obvious great taste in music," he chuckled before turning away from Hermione. As he walked away, she could hear him singing softly, "<em>Dance… magic dance… magic… dance… magic dance… magic… put that baby spell on me… "</em> Hermione caught up with Knutsack and Harry as she tried to wrap her head around the thought of the Goblin King pretending to be a muggle rockstar who then pretended to be the Goblin King in a movie.</p>
      <p>Before Jareth turned the corner of an intersecting corridor, one of his advisors tugged on his arm and whispered something in the King's ear. Jareth paused and then looked back at Harry. "Are you certain? You know humans all look alike to me," he told his advisor. The small goblin with the slightly brown tint to his wrinkled green skin nodded yes. "Wait!" Jareth yelled towards the humans and Knutsack. The Goblin King hurried over to them and took a closer look at Harry. "Are you Harry Potter, the godson of Sirius Black?" he inquired with eagerness.</p>
      <p>"Yes," Harry answered.</p>
      <p>"I see. Would you mind telling me where your godfather has been for the past decade? I've tried to get in touch with him and my owls just return with their mail being unread," Jareth asked.</p>
      <p>"Well, until last year he had been wrongly imprisoned in Azkaban. He broke out and has been on the run ever since then," Harry replied, not willing to give away Sirius' current location.</p>
      <p>"That's splendid. I was worried he might still be angry with me over that little misunderstanding regarding the twin bikini models and the french poodle at the rubber chicken factory. Sirius told me he wasn't angry the last time I saw him, but you can never tell with humans. Anyway, I need you to give a message to him," Jareth informed Harry as the King held out his hand as if waiting for something. When nothing happened he sighed wearily and said, "Well… come on, paper and pen." His goblin entourage nearly fell over themselves as they checked their pockets for what their king needed. Eventually they were able to produce a self inking quill and a piece of parchment. The Goblin King quickly wrote out his message, folded it, and handed it to Harry. "I'm performing a surprise concert at a little muggle pub in Soho next weekend. I think it would be marvelous if your godfather could be there," he told Harry. Jareth gave them a huge grin and then spread his hands over his head dramatically. "Imagine the headlines - Bowie and Boardman together again after more than ten years!" he shouted, turned on his heel, and sashayed away.</p>
      <p>When the Goblin King finally did make it out of their sight, Hermione turned to face Knutsack. "Why is your king over six feet tall with pale skin and the rest of you are short with green skin?" she asked.</p>
      <p>Knutsack sighed loudly. "He wears heels. As for the rest of what you're asking Ms. granger, that is something we Goblins never speak about to outsiders," he replied.</p>
      <p>"Fair enough," Harry said, not wanting Hermione's thirst for all types of knowledge to put them in a difficult position.</p>
      <p>Knutsack nodded his head in agreement with Harry and then led them farther into the bank. They eventually came to a door that led them back out into the large caverns that housed the vaults. A short walk led them to a massive set of steel doors without any type of decoration or markings to distinguish them from any of the other set of doors in that particular cavern. The account manager banged a complex rhythm on the door with his fist, never striking the same place twice. When he was done, the doors swung open on their own. "After you, Mr. Potter," Knutsack stated graciously as he stepped to the side.</p>
      <p>Without anything verbal between them, Hermione put her hand in Harry's as they walked into the Potter Family vault. It was impossible to tell the true size of the vault as it was pitch black with the only light coming from a magical glow globe suspended over a dark gray, granite basin covered in runes. In the bowl of the basin was a pool of what looked like liquid gold. It looked just like Sirius had described, making his instructions on how to use it easier. Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, Harry approached the basin and placed his hand on a carved relief that looked like a stylized letter "P". He took his other hand away from Hermione only long enough to uncork the crystal vial and pour the memories of his father into the swirling gold mixture before he took her hand again. She gave her boyfriend's hand a reassuring squeeze before they both stuck their faces into the now swirling gold and silver mixture. With a flash of light, they were transported into the memories of a man who had been dead for over a decade.</p>
      <p>Harry and Hermione felt a short sensation of falling before they landed lightly on their feet inside a comfortable looking sitting room with the furniture done in luxurious gold and red fabrics. A young man barely in his twenties stood in the center of the room. He was wearing a pair of comfortable slacks and a black tee shirt with the Hobgoblins logo screen printed on the front. The man was wearing a pair of wire frame glasses and had messy, black hair identical to Harry's. Hermione gave the young James Potter an appraising look and liked what she saw considering Harry was most likely going to look even more like his father as he matured.</p>
      <p>"Hello, Harry," James said, his voice a strange mixture of sadness and pride. "It's my greatest wish that you never have to see this memory, but if you are, that means I've moved on to the next great adventure as Dumbledore would put it… or as we Potters might say, I've gone and snuffed it," he said, a small smirk on his face that Hermione recognized as the one Harry got when he appreciated the humor in some grim situation. James snapped his fingers as if he had just remembered something. "Right, before we go on, I should probably tell you that I had this memory encoded in a special way beyond being able to played in just a Potter Family pensive. You can pause or go backwards in the memory, but you can not stop it or fast forward past the last point you have seen. The verbal commands are 'pause' and 'rewind'. I'm not exactly sure what that second word means, but your mother always found it easier to say than reverse memory. Harry, I set up the memory this way because what I'm going to tell you over the next couple of hours is very, very important and I don't want you to miss out," James told him. "So, without further ado, Harry James Potter, it is now time for <strong>THE TALK</strong>," he announced.</p>
      <p>"PAUSE!" Harry shouted, his cheeks blushing. Hermione bit her lip to keep from laughing at how red Harry became when he realized that she was going to be right beside him as his father explained the birds and bees to him. For his part, Harry was wondering if you died of embarrassment in a pensive memory, did you die in real life? "I'm so sorry, Hermione. I… I had no idea what was in this memory," he stammered.</p>
      <p>Hermione gave Harry a quick hug to reassure him. "Harry, it's okay. My mum gave me THE TALK last year. It will be interesting to see a wizarding take on the material," she told him. "Besides, it's not like we have much of a choice now that we are in the memory," she added.</p>
      <p>Harry closed his eyes, took another deep breath, and reopened his eyes after he was able to let go of some of his embarrassment. "I guess you're right," he agreed. "Okay, Dad. Let's get this over with… RESUME," he called out.</p>
      <p>"You are probably wondering why I chose to give you the talk via a pensive memory rather than have someone else give it to you. I don't want to embarrass your mom by having to have her give the talk to her son. As for your honorary uncles: Moony would be too clinical, Padfoot would be… well… Padfoot, and I'm fairly certain Wormtail wouldn't be able to pick out a vagina from a photo lineup if his life depended on it. The only other male I feel who would be willing to help is your Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. However, Albus really won't be of any help unless you happen to prefer wizards over witches. If that turns out to be the case, he has assured me that he'll guide you in what you should know," James explained.</p>
      <p>"PAUSE!" Harry called out again. "Did my dad just say Dumbledore was bent?" he asked, not fully trusting his own ears.</p>
      <p>Hermione rolled her eyes at Harry. Sure, her "gaydar" hadn't worked right on Neville, but Dumbledore was another matter entirely. "I have three words for you: sparkling… lilac… robes," she said simply.</p>
      <p>Harry frowned as he mulled things over as he let other clues fall into place. "You know, that does make sense. It also explains why he hired Lockhart," he muttered out loud. The image of his father frozen in time drew him out of his musing. "RESUME," he said.</p>
      <p>James motioned over toward the couch. Harry took the hint and he Hermione sat down. "Okay, Harry. The very first thing you must know and always remember is to never, ever take your partner for granted. This applies whether you like witches or wizards. People like to know they are special. Never quit romancing your partner and try to remember to do special things for them. They don't have to be extravagant, just something to let them know you are always thinking about them," James told him.</p>
      <p>"PAUSE!" Harry called out as he turned to look at Hermione on the couch next to him.</p>
      <p>"Harry, we are never going to get through this if you keep pausing every few minutes," she chided him.</p>
      <p>Harry gave Hermione a smile that warmed her heart. "I know, but what my dad said pointed something out to me. Hermione, would you be my date to the Yule Ball?" he asked. "I know that we both just sort of assumed we would go together, but I wanted to let you know there's absolutely no one I would rather go to the ball with," he informed her.</p>
      <p>Hermione looked Harry in the eyes and saw nothing but love there. "Yes, Harry. I would love to be your date for the Yule Ball and every other event after that," she replied before pouncing on him, pushing Harry onto his back on the soft couch.</p>
      <p>Their impromptu snogging session was about to get even more heated but Hermione suddenly stopped. The fact that James Potter was frozen in time with a smile on his face not more than 6 feet away finally forced itself back into the forefront of her mind.</p>
      <p>"What?" Harry asked when Hermione had gone still. He opened his eyes and saw her head was turned to the side. Following her gaze, he looked at his father as well. "I know he really isn't there, but this is still sort of awkward," he told her.</p>
      <p>"My thoughts exactly," Hermione agreed as she sat back up on the couch. She let her hand slip into Harry's after he righted himself as well. A small smirk played across her face as he tugged on his trousers to give him a bit more room for his trapped erection. It gave her a strange feeling of accomplishment to know she turned on her boyfriend so much. "RESUME," she called out.</p>
      <p>James pulled over a comfortable looking, high backed chair in front of the couch. He sat down in it and leaned towards where he thought his son would be sitting. "Now on to the more technical points. I'm pretty sure by now you have a rough idea about putting tab A into slot B," he started out saying. "Making love to a woman is so much more than that. You see, Harry, making love is like playing a game of quidditch where you are the seeker and your woman is one of the chasers. As you know, a chaser's objective is to score as many goals as possible. A seeker's objective is catch the snitch, but once the snitch is caught, the game is over. To make sure your lovemaking is as good as possible for both of you, you should follow the strategy of all of the professional teams except for the Chudley Cannons," he explained. James shuddered as he thought about the worse team in the league. "The Cannons always try to catch the snitch as quickly as possible and just ignore their chasers. A real team sees the seeker doing everything they can to help their chasers score as many points as possible before they decide as a team to take the snitch. Once they have racked up the score, the chasers switch and try to help their seeker finally catch the snitch. Everyone works together and they all feel like they accomplished something they can be proud of," he stated. Harry nodded his head as his father's words made perfect sense to him. Hermione rolled her eyes at the sports metaphor. James leaned over and took out a piece of wood out from under a side table. A quick tap of his wand transfigured the wood into a very accurate replica of a woman's pubic area. "Not to confuse things by using mixed metaphors, but I now want to show you how to find a woman's golden snitch…" he said.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>****Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
      </p>
      <p>A total of three hours passed before Hermione and Harry reappeared outside of the Potter Family pensive. Both teens had somewhat shell shocked expressions. Hermione was the first to speak. "Wow! Your dad really was great at transfiguration. Those models were… ah… really lifelike," was all she was able to get out.</p>
      <p>"Uh… about what my dad showed us…" Harry started to say.</p>
      <p>Hermione put her finger on Harry's lips to quiet him. "Harry, I can truly say that was the most informative three hours I have ever spent. And just so you know, everything your dad explained I plan on doing with you," she told him, giving Harry a seductive smile. One of things she had learned was that all of the men in Harry's family had been Parselmouths, they just kept their skill hidden better than Harry. She was definitely looking forward to experiencing what James had called the Salazar Screamer.</p>
      <p>"Everything?" Harry asked, matching Hermione's smile with a mischievous one of his own. "Even number 28 of what my dad called the Gryffindor Charges?" he challenged her.</p>
      <p>Hermione thought about it for a moment before answering. "Of course, so long as you give me time to stretch beforehand and you can show me you can maintain a <em>Wingardium Leviosa</em> for that long," she replied with a saucy wink.</p>
      <p>Harry laughed out loud and kissed Hermione. When they broke the kiss he chuckled, "At least I now know what a vibrating wand is for."</p>
      <p>"Speaking of which… Knutsack, we have a few questions for you," Hermione called out. She hated getting one of her favorite companies in trouble, but her loyalty to Harry was far greater than her loyalty to Dorea's Closet, the makers of the best witches' helpers on the market.</p>
      <p>Knutsack came into the vault and stepped into the small pool of light surrounding the pensive. "How can I help you, Ms. Granger?" he asked.</p>
      <p>"I have a general idea of how business laws work in the Muggle world and I'm curious to see if there are similar laws in the Wizarding World. For instance, it is illegal to use someone's name to endorse a product without their approval," she said.</p>
      <p>Knutsack gave her a grin filled with way too many sharp teeth. "Though the wizards in charge are mostly behind the muggles by about 150 to 200 years, they do have similar laws. Unfortunately they don't apply to written works such as the the Adventures of Harry Potter series. We've tried to get Harry compensated for those, but we don't really have a legal leg to stand on so to speak," he explained.</p>
      <p>"What about having his name used on items to sell them?" Hermione asked for clarification.</p>
      <p>"Oh those we can sink our goblin teeth into and rend every last knut out of the offenders," Knutsack assured her.</p>
      <p>Frowning, Hermione sighed and asked, "Account Manager Knutsack, were you aware that there is a line of 'Harry Potter' brand vibrating wands?"</p>
      <p>Knutsack paused for a second before bursting out laughing. He was laughing so hard, he doubled over from the force and quantity of his laughs. Once he was able to get ahold of himself, Knutsack wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. "Oh very good, Ms. Granger. You had me going there for a moment," he chuckled. Knutsack looked at his client and his client's mate and noticed they were both very serious looking. "Gods of gems and ores, you're not joking are you?" he asked rhetorically. That sent Knutsack into another fit of laughter. "That only makes it funnier," he chortled.</p>
      <p>Hermione put her hands on her hips and gave the goblin a look she usually reserved for Ron Weasley. Having excellent survival instincts, the goblin quit laughing at once. "NO, Knutsack, I'm not joking and would appreciate it if you would tell us what is so funny," she demanded.</p>
      <p>"Of course, Ms. Granger," Knutsack replied. "I think the easiest way to explain this is to let you see the rest of the vault," he said and then clapped his hands twice.</p>
      <p>Harry and Hermione had to squint their eyes at the sudden brightness that flooded the vault. When the purple spots in their vision finally faded, they slowly turned around to look at the vault that was easily twice the size of the Great Hall back at Hogwarts. The wall closest to them was dominated by a two story tall banner with the Potter Crest on it. Harry stared at the banner and then rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "Is that the Potter Family crest?!" he managed to inquire.</p>
      <p>"Yes it is," Knutsack said proudly. His family had served as financial consultants in one form or another since the very first Potter had become very rich.</p>
      <p>Hermione couldn't resist asking the next question to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her. "Are those Griffons on the crest… <em>mating?"</em> she asked.</p>
      <p>"Yes they are," Knutsack replied with a smirk. He led them to a crystal display case below the banner. Inside the display case was a rather thick, but short wand made of ash sitting on a red velvet pillow. "The easiest way to explain things is to tell young Mr. Potter here about the founder of his line, Clitorias Potter," Knutsack said. "Clitorias was born during the reign of Arthur Pendragon. He was a Muggle-born wizard who had taken up his father's business as a traveling merchant who plied his wares up and down the Thames from his boat that also served as his home. Clitorias had a big heart and always went out of his way to help the people he and his father met during their travels. During puberty, Clitorias learned that not only was he a wizard, but also a parselmouth. True to his nature, Clitorias used these new abilities to help the villagers, especially the sexually frustrated women once he took over his father's boat after the old man retired," Knutsack told them. "Eventually word spread up and down the Thames and the village women took shifts searching the river for him. It was said that some women actually fainted in ecstasy when they located the Hooded Man in the Boat. It was necessity itself that drove young Clitorias to invent the first vibrating wand. It was either that or continue to suffer tongue cramps from overuse. The wand was an instant success and Clitorias sold the wands as fast as he could make them. He gave up his boat and took over the house of a prosperous pot maker to give him more room to work. For several years his location was a secret, but eventually word got out and women lined up at his door and his fortunes and reputation grew exponentially. That wand in the case is his prototype," Knutsack informed them as he gestured towards the wand on the velvet pillow. "Coincidently, legend has it that your ancestor was the one responsible for parselmouths to be shunned and vilified on the British Isles. The other wizards were never able to compete with Clitorias and eventually petitioned Merlin to throw him through the Veil of Death. Lucky for Clitorias, Morgan le Fey was one of his customers and didn't want to lose such a useful wizard. She proposed a compromise and bound your family so that the men would only be interested in one woman and one woman only for their entire lives. Morgan Le Fey tweaked the spell at the last minute to make it so that the Potter men would only fall for the brightest, most caring witch of their generation. If a second son was born, then they would get the second best and so on," he added.</p>
      <p>Knutsack motioned for Harry and Hermione to follow them as he led them around the vault, talking about different ancestors of Harry's (both Potter men and the women they loved), each of which had a hand in providing help for those of who enjoyed a little spice in their sexual relationships. They finished the tour next to case that held a vial of a potion that gave off a warm, rose colored light, a rolled parchment, and a vintage owl order catalog. "This leads us to the accomplishments of your grandparents. Harry, your grandfather, Charlus, was a very accomplished potions master. The potion in that vial is one of a kind. He discovered a variation of the Veritaserum that was able to produce orgasms with just three drops placed in a drink. The potion never made it to production because they found out the potion caused not just one but numerous, intense orgasms in a 48 hour period. While the effect was slightly different for each test subject, they all had at least 100 orgasms over the two days. Unlike Veritaserum which it was based on, there was no antidote ever discovered. Even though that potion ended up being too powerful for use, your grandfather went on to create several other potions that are still in use today," Knutsack told them. "Your grandmother, Dorea, was a Black by birth inherited their skills at business. She came up with the idea of marketing all of the various inventions of the Potter Family by owl order…" Knutsack said before he was interrupted by Hermione's gasp.</p>
      <p>"NO WAY! You've got to be kidding me!" she exclaimed, her expression one of intense excitement.</p>
      <p>Knutsack smiled and nodded to Hermione and then pointed to the parchment and catalog. "I see you have guessed what I was going to say next. Harry's grandmother started Dorea's Closet which has become the Wizarding World's number one owl order company for magical sexual aides, lingerie, and potions to enhance various aspects of mating. That parchment is the paperwork that gives the Potter Family sole ownership of a very, very profitable company. It was Dorea's idea to keep the ownership of the company a secret with Dorea being a popular witch's name at the time. She believed they would do more business if the Slytherin families didn't know their wives were making a certain Gryffindor family rich," Knutsack told them. "We goblins have taken two phrases from the Muggles and made them part of belief system. The first one is of course 'Time is Money'. The second is 'Sex Sells'. My family has been the account managers for the Potters for many, many generations and have been made rich because of that second phrase," he said proudly.</p>
      <p>Knutsack chuckled at the gobsmacked expression on Harry's face. "Now you can see why I found your question so funny, Ms. Granger. Harry happens to own the company making 'Harry Potter' brand vibrating wands. He <em>IS</em> being compensated for the use of his name. Quite handsomely in fact," he explained.</p>
      <p>Harry and Hermione looked at each other for a moment and then they both started laughing at the absurdity of it all. After a few moments, Harry sobered and looked at Knutsack. "Do you happen to know what my mother and father were working on since it seems every generation adds something to our legacy?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>Knutsack walked over to a plain wooden chest and opened the lid reverently. He withdrew a large, leather bound book. The goblin turned and presented the book to Harry. "Your mother and father had just finished this project prior to their murders. It is a collection of all the various… um… techniques your family has perfected over the centuries. For some reason, your mother insisted it be called 'The Potter Sutra'," he stated.</p>
      <p>When Knutsack offered the book to Harry, the young wizard shook his head no. "Give it to Hermione. I think she'll appreciate it more than I will at the moment," he said, knowing how his love would always be a bibliophile at heart. "As for me, I think I'll take this," he said as he picked up the vial of Liquid Orgasms. He read Hermione's expression and winked at her. "You, me, the twins, Neville, Luna… we're the next generation of the Marauders. I can think of at least a dozen ways to use this potion to uphold their name," he said with a wink and a grin.</p>
      <p>Hermione was about to protest but then thought about what he said. Since she would be by his side no matter what, she might as well start thinking like a Marauder. She finally matched his grin as she started to compile a list of those she thought deserved spontaneous, uncontrolled orgasms.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</p>
<p>Chapter 6</p>
<p>Neville Longbottom stood silently in the often unused 5th floor hallway along the south side of the castle. His Uncle Algie had long ago taught him to use all of his senses when trying to determine if there was anybody else around. This was of course after Algie had dropped Neville from a second floor window to see if he could get the boy to do accidental magic. Algie had explained to the young man that most spells used to allow one to move about without being noticed only covered one of the senses at a time. An example would be the invisibility spell. Sure you couldn't see the person but that didn't keep them from making noises. If the spellcaster thought to muffle their sounds, no one but an Unspeakable thought to mask their scent as well, something Algernon Croaker knew well.</p>
<p>Closing his eyes, Neville focused on the information provided to him by his nose and ears. When he was sure there was no one else in the quiet corridor, he pressed a waist high brick next to a door in front of him. The brick warmed suddenly and he heard a click from the door, letting him know it was unlocked. With a last glance down both ends of the hallway, Neville let himself into an unused classroom that his friends now called "The Lair."</p>
<p>Neville walked into the room to a chorus of, "Hi Neville!" coming from the other five occupants of the room. Harry and the twins were standing next to several hanging maps of the castle. Posted next to the maps were the prefect rosters for each House along with their respective patrol schedules. One of the twins (Neville still couldn't tell them apart) pointed to something on the map causing Harry to shake his head no as he gestured to the Hufflepuff roster.</p>
<p>Hermione and Luna were sitting at a table located under one of the high windows that allowed in lots of natural light. Obscure books littered the table along with the parchments Hermione had used to take notes on. In the center of the table was the marauder Notebook. Neville watched as Hermione looked from the Notebook to an ancient tome she had open next to it. After cross referencing two more times, Hermione leaned back with a bemused expression on her face. "I never imagined the rune work on that would be so simple," she muttered.</p>
<p>Luna looked up from her own research and glanced over at what Hermione was reading. Her fast Ravenclaw mind made the connection Hermione has just done. "Really? That's all it takes?" she asked, her expression changing from amusement to happy excitement.</p>
<p>"I checked the calculations twice," Hermione assured her friend. She reached into her bookbag and withdrew a fist sized, clear crystal. "Hand me the rune etcher, please," she ordered. Luna happily obliged by reaching over to a low cabinet placed under the window next to them.</p>
<p>"Hi Hermione… Hi Luna!" Neville called out as he walked over to their table. He blushed slightly at the smile the young blonde gave him when he stopped next to her. Neville watched Hermione put on a pair of dragonhide gloves and a pair of strange, completely see through muggle glasses that she had called eye protectors before she started etching the crystal.</p>
<p>"Hermione just figured out a way to tell if someone has the inborn ability to be an animagus," Luna said proudly of her friend.</p>
<p>"There…" Hermione muttered as she finished etching the runes into the bottom of the crystal. She took off one of the gloves and held the crystal in her bare palm. The clear crystal changed color and started giving off a gentle, blue light. "Yes!" she exclaimed, causing Harry and the twins to stop what they were doing and head over to her table. "Here Luna, you next," Hermione said rapidly as she handed over the crystal.</p>
<p>The crystal remained a pleasant blue color in Luna's hands. "Take that Nargles!" Luna laughed. Without warning, she tossed the crystal to Neville saying, "Your turn, Neville!" As soon as the crystal left her hand, it went back to being clear. When he caught it after clumsily bouncing it from one hand to the other, it took on it's previous blue glow.</p>
<p>"Uh… what is it?" Neville inquired curiously.</p>
<p>"The crystal is enchanted to turn blue when held by someone with the potential to become an animagus," Hermione explained. The boy who some thought was only a step above a squib smiled when he realized he was among the small percentage of magic users gifted with this special talent.</p>
<p>"Toss it here, Nev," George requested, grinning in anticipation. Neville tossed the stone which George caught easily. His face lit up in rapture when the crystal took on the now familiar blue glow. Fred's face was a mirror of his twin's when it remained blue in his hands. Their dream of following in the footsteps of the original Marauders was taking a huge stride forward.</p>
<p>Curious as to how the crystal would react, Fred tossed the crystal to Harry. Fred purposefully threw the crystal slightly over Harry's shoulder, wanting to keep their team's seeker on his toes. With barely a glance, Harry's hand shot out and snagged the crystal in midair. When the crystal touched his skin, the light it gave off was so bright that it blinded everyone in the room for a few moments.</p>
<p>When the purple spots in front of their eyes finally went away, everyone looked at the crystal in Harry's hand. The once clear crystal was now black with a small bit of smoke curling up from a large crack that had appeared on the side. "Sorry about your crystal, Hermione," Harry apologized as he put the crystal back down on the table.</p>
<p>Instead of looking put out, Hermione's grin had actually gotten bigger. "Are you kidding, Harry?! This is fantastic!" she replied.</p>
<p>"Huh?" the men in the room inquired in unison.</p>
<p>Luna rolled her eyes and reached over to Hermione's side of the table and picked up a book that looked old enough to be one of Merlin's textbooks. She flipped through the pages to find what she was looking for. When she finally found it, she turned the book around to show the boys. "Hermione and I found a ritual that creates a condition that artificially triggers a response similar to an Unexpected Animagus transformation," she explained.</p>
<p>Hermione took over the narrative. "We are halfway there when it comes to being able to perform the ritual. The ritual requires five animagus potentials and one very powerful animagus to act as their guide in the dream realm," she stated.</p>
<p>The twins were nearly vibrating with excitement. "Wicked!" Fred exclaimed. "What do we need to need to complete the ritual?" he asked eagerly.</p>
<p>At that question, the girls' expressions darkened. "That's the sticking point, we need a Calthamic conjuring circle," Hermione admitted.</p>
<p>"Why is that a problem?" Harry asked.</p>
<p>"The last Calthamite temple was destroyed just after the founding of Hogwarts. We have no idea where to find one now and there were never any diagrams made of them so we don't know how to recreate it," Hermione replied, her earlier enthusiasm rapidly swirling down the drain. She planned on hitting the library as soon as she could in hopes of finding at least a written description of the runes used in the conjuring circle.</p>
<p>A polite cough from the center of the room startled the new Marauders, causing them to turn quickly to look at who had managed to sneak into The Lair. The special locking charm they had adapted from one of Moony's spells in the Notebook should have kept out everyone short of the Headmaster. They all relaxed slightly when instead of the old, white haired man with the ridiculously long beard, they saw Dobby wave a timid hand in greeting.</p>
<p>The House Elf had changed slightly from when Hermione and Harry had last seen him. He looked more confident and almost dashing in his dark red, silk pillowcase that had a gold curtain braid tied around his waist as a belt. In the right sort of light, his ensemble almost made him look like a Roman noble. Harry also managed to notice his strange friend had bags under his eyes as if he had been exhausting himself for several days in a row. As for Dobby's eyes themselves, they had also changed slightly. His once yellow irises now had a jade green ring around them. "Dobby knows where the great Harry Potter and his friends can find the magic circle they need," the House Elf said with a grin.</p>
<p>****Unexpected Animagus****</p>
<p>Dobby led the new Marauders up to the left hand hallway on the seventh floor. He stopped at a magical tapestry showing Barnaby the Balmy trying to teach a group of trolls to dance. "We is here," Dobby exclaimed happily, his ears flapping up and down in his joy at being able to do something for Harry.</p>
<p>Hermione looked at the floor and then over to Dobby. "Um, Dobby… I don't see any conjuring circles here," she said softly, not wanting to offend the odd little fellow.</p>
<p>Everyone chuckled when Dobby rolled his eyes at Hermione, their large, almost tennis ball size making the gesture overly dramatic. "Of course there not being any magic circles in the hallway. The circle can be found in the 'Comes and Goes' room," he replied, pointing one of his long fingers at the wall opposite of the tapestry.</p>
<p>"What's the 'Comes and Goes' room?" Neville wondered out loud.</p>
<p>Dobby walked over and placed his hand on the bare stone wall. "The Comes and Goes room can be anythings yous wants or needs. All yous needs to do is walk back and forth three times in front of the tapestry of the silly wizard about to be buggered by trolls while thinking hard about what yous be needing," he explained. "Um… Dobby should warns yous not to walk back and forth three times while actually thinking about being buggered by trolls. Bad and painful things happen," he added.</p>
<p>"Oh… I get it," Luna exclaimed. "Since the room changes depending on what you need, it will probably change every time you use it. The room comes and goes, thus 'Comes and Goes' room," she stated.</p>
<p>Dobby cocked his head to the side and thought about what Luna had just said. "Hummm… Dobby never thought of it that way, but that works too," he said with a shrug of his tiny shoulders.</p>
<p>Hermione rubbed her forehead with her hand and muttered, "I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you call it the 'Comes and Goes' room, Dobby?"</p>
<p>Dobby pointed down the hall to a similar tapestry hung at waist level. "The castle also has a Comes and Goes room for House Elves. It's being a very popular place for House Elves to go and practice making House Elf babies. It's being so popular of a room that there is a waiting list the House Elves have to be getting on to use the room. Almost all the House Elves is being very considerate of others and want everyone to get their turn. So…" he explained.</p>
<p>Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose, her earlier premonition being correct. "No… don't say it Dobby," she pleaded.</p>
<p>Since she was not his mistress, yet, Dobby could ignore her order. "... after boths of the House elves comes, theys goes so the next House Elves can have their fun," he finished.</p>
<p>Luna giggled and the boys chuckled when they realized what Dobby was saying. Not wanting things to spiral farther, Hermione purposefully strode back in forth in front of the tapestry three times while focusing on needing a Calthamic conjuring circle to complete their ritual. After her third time walking back and forth, an oak door that was stained a comforting brown appeared on the wall opposite of them. Without looking back, Hermione opened the door and hurried through. Harry gave Dobby an apologetic shrug and followed his girlfriend. Dobby waved cheerfully as the others followed into the room. The door faded from view after the humans were inside.</p>
<p>Dobby let out a weary sigh and leaned against the tapestry as soon as he knew the great Harry Potter could no longer see him. Ever since he had taken advantage of a situation that had fallen in his lap, Dobby had received very little rest. He had used Harry Potter's need of him when the young wizard's backside was on fire to bond with Harry. As with all voluntary Wizard / Elf bondings, Dobby had taken on some of the physical traits of his new master after they had bonded. Even Dobby was shocked at the size difference of his little Dobby the first time he had seen it after they had bonded. Dobby idly wondered if he would have even been able to even see his penis if he had voluntarily bonded with Lucius Malfoy. With a start, Dobby suddenly realized that he forgotten once again to tell the great Harry Potter that they had been bonded.</p>
<p>While Dobby was contemplating things, a female House Elf wearing a clean, white tea towel walked back and forth three times in front of the House Elf Comes and Goes room. After walking into the room, she held her slender arm out of the door and dropped her tea towel on the floor, a clear invitation for Dobby to join her. "Fifth time today," Dobby sighed with exhaustion. He looked again at the blank wall where the human Comes and Goes room was and shrugged his shoulders. "Dobby can always tell the great Harry Potter we is bonded later," he muttered with a grin as he pulled out a vial of pepper-upper potion from the inside of his pillow case. With a practiced motion, Dobby uncorked the vial and swallowed the potion in one gulp. His ears flapped rapidly up and down as steam billowed out of them. Dobby vanished the vial back to the storeroom to be refilled with a snap of his fingers. His goofy grin was one Hermione had seen on Harry right before some of their more intense snogging sessions. Dobby let out a happy, but still somewhat tired chuckle and ran to the smaller room, not wanting to keep a lady Elf waiting. Right before he was grabbed and pulled into the House Elf Comes and Goes room, Dobby muttered, "It's good to be Harry Potter's House Elf!"</p>
<p>****Unexpected Animagus****</p>
<p>The new Marauders stood in the center of a cavern large enough to play Quidditch in. They could barely make out the ceiling high above them, the light from the torches bolted to the walls just barely reflecting from that height. The Marauders were standing next to a conjuring circle carved into the rock floor. The circle had two outer rings that were full of strange runes that ran the entire way around it. Inside the innermost ring was a six pointed star with a large rune array in the exact center. "So now what?" Harry asked.</p>
<p>"Now we have to sacrifice a young girl's virginity on top of the circle. Come along, Neville," Luna said as she grabbed Neville's hand and started leading him to the center of the circle. Neville was in shock and allowed himself to be led away.</p>
<p>"Luna, the instructions say nothing of the sort!" Hermione chided the younger girl.</p>
<p>"Hush, Hermione!" Luna countered as she started to undo the buttons on Neville's white school shirt.</p>
<p>"LUNA CELESTE!" Hermione said forcefully as she put her hands on her hips.</p>
<p>Luna stopped undressing Neville and pouted at Hermione. "Are you SURE there isn't a part about sacrificing a girl's virginity somewhere in the instructions?" she pleaded.</p>
<p>"I'm sure, Luna," Hermione replied.</p>
<p>"Oh… poo!" Luna snorted and stepped away from the center of the circle, her mind already coming up with other plans to get Neville to have sex with her.</p>
<p>Harry was trying very hard not to laugh at Neville's expression which was equal parts relief and disappointment. The twins weren't trying nearly as hard as Harry and were chuckling at their housemates dilemma. "Like I said, what's next?" Harry asked Hermione.</p>
<p>Hermione looked at a basket of herbs and flowers sitting on the ground a few feet away from the conjuring circle. "Okay, here is what we do. We place those herbs and flowers in the center of the circle and then we each take a seat at one point of the star," she instructed them. Harry nodded his head and picked up the basket. When he neared the center of the circle, a large bronze bowl appeared in the exact center. Taking the hint, Harry dumped out the contents of the basket into the bowl. He then sat down at the point of the star opposite him. The others soon joined him with Hermione sitting on his left. To her left George and Fred took the next two points of the star. Luna took the next point leaving Neville to take the point of the star on Harry's right. Once they were all seated, Hermione pointed her wand at the bronze bowl and whispered incendio. A thin string of flame shot out of her wand at the contents of bronze bowl. Soon, a sweet smelling, purple smoke lightly filled the cavern.</p>
<p>After a few minutes of breathing in the smoke, they all started to giggle. "[chortle]… not that I'm complaining mind you, but when do we [snicker] get to the part about our animal forms?" George asked, a big dopey smile on his face. As if in answer to his question, Neville's eyes first crossed and then rolled back into his head as he fell backwards, his grin never leaving his face. Luna was the next to pass out. George and Hermione lost consciousness at roughly the same time.</p>
<p>Fred caught Harry's eyes and chuckled, "See you on the other…" before he fell over. Harry looked around at his friends and shifted his legs out from under him so he could lay down comfortably. When his back was on the stone floor, his eyes closed, transporting him to the dream realm.</p>
<p>Harry opened his eyes and sat up. He quickly looked around to get his bearings. He and his friends were on a large stone circle floating in what looked like an endless, gray expanse. In every direction he looked, all he saw was swirling, gray mist. Not sensing any danger, he shrugged his shoulders and went to Hermione first and then to each of his other friends, waking them up. Once they had all had time to take in the boring landscape, Harry asked Hermione, "What do I do now? You said I was supposed to guide you guys to your animagus forms."</p>
<p>Luna answered before Hermione could. "Actually, it's your animagus form that is supposed to guide us," she told him.</p>
<p>"Oh… okay," Harry said as he cautiously walked to the edge of the circle. Keeping most of his weight on his back foot, he extended his front foot over the edge to test if there was something solid he could stand on. To his surprise, the mist held him and he was able to walk on it. Feeling more confident, he walked away from the circle to give him room to transform. He closed his eyes and focussed on his draconic side. After a few moments, Harry opened up one eye and peeked at the circle where his friends stood. He was still looking at them from his normal eye level instead of from above like when he was a dragon. He closed his eyes again and tried to focus harder. When nothing happened, he walked back to the stone circle. "Sorry guys, nothing," he apologized.</p>
<p>Hermione gave Harry a reassuring hug before she bit her bottom lip, deep in thought. "I wonder…" she muttered. When she saw everyone was looking at her she blushed slightly in embarrassment. "Sorry, I was just thinking about what the instructions said. It said that once we found ourselves in the dream realm, the powerful wizard would call forth his animagus form. I wonder if it was being literal," she mused.</p>
<p>Harry stood with his back to the outer edge of the circle. "Okay… so what am I supposed to do? Just yell out 'Come here, Scorch! Here boy!" he asked. As soon he stopped talking, Hermione's eyes widened as she looked over his shoulder. One by one the other Marauders followed suit.</p>
<p>Shaking off the slight shock first, Hermione smirked at her boyfriend and gestured behind him. "Harry, I would like to introduce you to Scorch," she offered.</p>
<p>Harry slowly turned around and then took a startled step backwards when he found himself nose to nose with a very large, red dragon. "Holy crap! I'm huge!" he exclaimed.</p>
<p>"We know, mate!" George agreed.</p>
<p>"We've been trying to tell you that since that fateful locker room incident in your first year," Fred added. Scorch blew a smoke ring around the twins to let them know he / Harry weren't amused.</p>
<p>Hermione rolled her eyes. "Can we proceed?" she asked the twins. The twins gave her an unrepentant smile but nodded their heads yes.</p>
<p>"Ok Scorch, show time," Harry said, feeling slightly awkward since he was in all actuality talking to himself. For his part, Scorch moved his long neck to the left somewhat and let out a loud bellow. The mist where his head was pointed started to swirl faster and grow thicker.</p>
<p>The moment when they were able to make out a shape starting to form in the mist, Hermione felt drawn to whatever was coming towards them. She wasn't all that surprised when a chocolate brown kneazle with gray tufts of fur at its ears and at the tip of its tail walked quietly up to her. This was obviously a pure bred kneazle seeing that it was easily twice the size of Crookshanks or equal to that of a large dog. When the kneazle reached the stone circle, it walked around Hermione as if it were judging her. As it stalked around her, various parts of its body vanished and then reappeared. Eventually the kneazle stopped in front of Hermione and rubbed its large head against her hand. As Hermione scratched the creatures ears, everything but the kneazle's head vanished. Still scratching behind its ears, Hermione reached out her other hand and stroked the soft fur of the invisible body. "I can feel her body. It's solid, just invisible," she explained to her friends.</p>
<p>"Woo Hoo! I was hoping something like this might happen," Luna exclaimed. The rest of the Marauders looked at her, waiting for her to explain. "Since Harry's animagus form is a very magical creature, I was hoping that the forms he lead us to would be magical as well. Hermione form is a very rare type of kneazle only found near the county of Cheshire. This type of kneazle has developed the power of invisibility. They have developed the ability to such a degree that they can make just parts of their body invisible leaving the rest," she stated.</p>
<p>"How do you know so much about them?" Hermione asked.</p>
<p>Luna put her hand on her hip and gave Hermione a stern look, mimicking the older witch's "displeased pose". "Honestly Hermione, I would think the answer would be obvious. My family is known for their research into the rarest of magical animals," she mock chided her friend. "That and my great, great grandmother Alice Lovegood had one," she admitted.</p>
<p>Hermione really didn't want to think about the implications of one of Luna's ancestors who was named Alice owning a Cheshire kneazle. To change the subject, she turned to look at the kneazle's pretty brown eyes and said, "So, what should we call you? Hmmm… let me think."</p>
<p>Harry put his hand on Hermione's shoulder and pulled her back slightly. "Sorry, Hermione, but you know the know the rules. You aren't allowed to choose your own Marauder name," he reminded her. Luna shot her hand up in the air. "Yes, Luna. Do you have a name suggestion?" he asked.</p>
<p>"Yes, I do. Let's call her Flaberta Tineal Stinklebottom the Third," Luna suggested, still a little miffed that Hermione had ruined her attempt to shag Neville.</p>
<p>"Ahhh… no," Harry replied. He had noticed Hermione's animagus form start to fade away during Luna's suggestion and then suddenly go solid again when he spoke up for her. "How about Fade?" he suggested.</p>
<p>"Yes! I love it!" Hermione replied quickly before the twins could come up with a name to top Flaberta Tineal Stinklebottom the Third. For her part, Fade nodded her head, sat down, and started bathing herself by licking her paws.</p>
<p>Scorch nodded his head in agreement with the name and bellowed again, calling out the next animagus forms for the twins. The human Marauders turned to face the outside of the circle to see what would come next. Twin pops from the center of the circle startled everyone but Scorch and Fade. The humans quickly turned around to see twin monkeys about the size of a House Elf dancing around the ritual star. The monkeys had golden fur over most of their bodies except for their faces which were snow white. Long white fur along their cheeks and jaws gave the monkeys the appearance of having long, handlebar mustaches. With a sudden pop and a small bit of red smoke, the monkey on the right of Fred disappeared and then reappeared on top of Neville. The monkey used its prehensile tail to loot through his pockets while it distracted Neville by making funny faces at him. When it didn't find anything interesting in Neville's pockets, the monkey tweaked the young wizard's nose and then apparated back to where it was a moment ago.</p>
<p>"Any idea what these two are?" Hermione asked Luna.</p>
<p>Luna was unable to answer for a moment as she was laughing at the monkeys who were currently imitating the motions the twins were making. When she got herself back in control, Luna nodded. "These two trouble makers are Tibetan Chaos monkeys. They can apparate at will and their magic causes strange things to happen near them. The local villages closest to the monkey colony got together and built a temple for the monkeys in hopes of getting their lives back to some semblance of normal. After rounding up all of the Chaos Monkeys and sticking them in the temple, the local wizards obliviated the location from everyone, including themselves. My father has made two trips to Tibet trying to locate the Hidden Temple of Weefleeng Pu," she told her friends.</p>
<p>Hermione watched the antics of the twin monkeys and came up with an appropriate name for them. Her idea would also throw people off when they tried to figure out the identity of the Marauders. "Let's call these two Janus. He was a Roman god who had two faces. He was in charge of beginnings and endings. If we call them both Janus, it might keep others from realizing there are two of them and it keeps us from having to tell them apart. Plus, if they really annoy us, we can just drop the 'J' in their name," she suggested.</p>
<p>The twins quickly spelled out the name in their heads and then dropped the first letter. "Hey!" the exclaimed at the same time.</p>
<p>Harry, Luna, and Neville smiled at the twins reaction and the said in unison, "Janus it is!" sealing the name to the monkeys.</p>
<p>Luna hopped up and down in excitement as Scorch bellowed a third time. A small disturbance around what they perceived as ground level in the mist drew everyone's attention. Hermione had been trying to brace herself for just about anything knowing Luna like she did and was surprised when a cute, white bunny hopped out of the myst. The only thing to immediately distinguish this bunny from any other rabbit were the yellow slitted eyes. Luna clapped her hands happily and then suddenly reached out to stop Neville from approaching the bunny. "You don't want to do that, Neville. She's a VCR," she warned softly. Neville turned to face her and swallowed in fear. He had learned all about rabbits, both magical and otherwise, while he learned how to protect his precious plants from being eaten.</p>
<p>"A VCR? The Dursleys owned one and they said they watched movies on it. I was never allowed to watch with them, but I'm pretty sure it's hard to watch a movie on something that keeps twitching it's nose like that," Harry stated, clearly confused. From her expression, Luna could tell Hermione was confused as well.</p>
<p>"V-C-R it stands for Very Carnivorous Rabbit. They are also known in some parts of the world as vabbits," Luna explained. Seeing that the others still didn't quite understand what she was trying to say, Luna closed her eyes and conjured a simulacrum of Draco Malfoy next to the bunny. With a horrible cry, the bunny bared its long fangs and viciously attacked the human. Hermione turned away and buried her head in Harry's chest to avoid looking at the carnage. Fred had jumped into the arms of his brother who was now holding him bridal style. Neville and Harry were both finding a sort of sick fascination in watching their Slytherin nemesis being torn limb from limb. Janus had apparated away and were both cowering behind Scorch's front legs. Fade was looking over with some interest, wondering if the vabbit would share its meal. She got her answer when less than five minutes later, the bunny had devoured all of Draco leaving only his scraped clean skull.</p>
<p>Luna snapped her fingers and the image of the skull vanished back into the mist. "Her name is Velma. Velma the Vabbit," she proclaimed in clear violation of the not being able to chose your own nickname rule. The others were too disturbed by what they saw to argue with her.</p>
<p>Scorch turned his head to look at the mist beyond Neville while still keeping an eye on Velma. He bellowed a fourth time and soon afterwards a large disturbance could be seen forming in the mist. Scorch had a smug look on his face and then winked at Harry while subtly nodding his head towards Neville. Loud footfalls resonated from the mist as a two story tall creature walked out of the mist towards them. The creature was some sort of combination of tree and animal that walked on two legs. It's bark was light brown with vines that snaked their way up his trunk. Two large branches served as his arms which ended in a branching of limbs that looked like hands. The creature's eyes were solid black and a slit in the wood served as his mouth. Moss above the eyes gave the impression of eyebrows. Without any sign of fear, the large creature leaned down and picked up Velma. With the vabbit cradled gently in the crook of one of his limbs, he gently stroked her fur with his other "hand".</p>
<p>"That's not fair!" Fred exclaimed in mock jealously.</p>
<p>"Yeah! We get monkeys and Neville is a bloody Ent!" George added. Their smiles took away any sting their comments might have had.</p>
<p>"Guys, I know exactly what we have to call Neville's animagus form. Problem is you won't get the reference until I have the Comes and Goes room reproduce some reading material for you. You just need to trust me on this," Hermione said with a mischievous grin.</p>
<p>****Unexpected Animagus****</p>
<p>Remus Lupin sat down at the end of the Gryffindor table eagerly awaiting the evening meal. His faithful four legged companion was sitting on the floor next to him. A week prior, they had received a parchment addressed to "Messieurs Padfoot and Moony." Other than the greeting, the parchment was blank. The old Marauders had shared a quick grin before Sirius tapped his wand on the parchment and said the Holy words, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" The blank page was replaced by an invitation to the last of the old Marauders to come join the school in welcoming the new Marauders to its hallowed halls.</p>
<p>The older Marauders had arrived early and had spent the afternoon trying to get Harry to tell them what was in store for the evening. Harry had flat out refused saying that he didn't want to ruin the surprise since they had worked many long hours on their inaugural prank. He did however tell them the new Marauders were using the larger prank as a diversion for what Harry had called "Operation O-Face."</p>
<p>Remus smiled to himself as he let his eyes roam over the Great Hall. A small rune etched into the candle holder in front of him drew his attention. He casually looked at another candle holder a few feet away and saw an identical rune. Curious, he leaned forward to scoop up some more roast onto his plate giving him a closer look at the rune. He felt a sudden surge of pride when he realized it was two runes joined together. The first was a lighting and dowsing rune connected to a remote activation rune he had developed during his seventh year at school.</p>
<p>Remus leaned back on the bench and gave the Great Hall another look now that he knew they were using runes. He saw a small, wooden block etched with runes hanging from one of the rafters high above him. Remus knew that the control runes for the enchanted ceiling were engraved on that particular rafter. He gave a very small nod of approval at the younger Marauders' choice in using a wood block to store their own runes. Wood was an excellent choice when employing single use runes since the wood tended to burn up after use, leaving no evidence behind. His eyes drifted farther up onto the ceiling and he squinted to make out what he saw. "Is that a portable dung-bomb launcher?" he silently wondered.</p>
<p>The last thing Remus noticed was that Harry and Hermione's friend, Luna, was missing. He wouldn't usually think anything of it since the quirky Ravenclaw had been missing for several meals while he had been a teacher the previous year. Now however, he knew his honorary nephew thought of Luna as a close friend and would have been worried if she weren't there. Remus looked over at Harry who was chatting cheerfully with Neville and Hermione. The werewolf closed his eyes and ran through the scents he was picking up to see if Luna was nearby under Harry's invisibility cloak. The unique smell of her radish earrings came from just behind him. He flinched slightly when he realized the invisible girl had been behind him the whole time.</p>
<p>"Very good, Professor. I was wondering when you would notice me. Stubby Boardman realized I was here about five minutes ago," Luna whispered. She leaned down and whispered to the large, black dog, "Thanks again for getting me a press pass to the special concert. The announcement of Boardman and Bowie doing a gig together after all these years was quite the scoop for the Quibbler." Luna straightened up and whispered into Remus' ear, "Show's about to begin." Remus rubbed his hands together in anticipation while Sirius' tail wagged just a little bit quicker. When Luna saw Harry tap his plate twice, she touched her wand to the first activation rune, starting the evening's entertainment.</p>
<p>As if they were turned off with a light switch, all of the candles (both in the chandeliers and on the tables) and torches suddenly went out. The enchanted night sky above the students became dark as storm clouds rolled in, blocking out the stars and the moon. An occasional flash of lightning streaked from cloud to cloud.</p>
<p>The quiet murmurs of the students died instantly when a deep, commanding voice boomed from the sky. "In the beginning, there was fun. The four friends looked at the fun and saw it was good, but soon others came to ruin the fun. The fun was smothered by acts of cruelty, bigotry, and general douche baggery. The friends could not let this be, so the Marauders were born to fight back and bring back fun to the mortals of Hogwarts. These Champions of Fun were known as Prongs, Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail," the voice told them. The sky lightened as the image of a majestic stag appeared in the sky. The stag winked at the students and stepped aside so they could see the images of a great wolf and a grimm playing tennis on a hillside. The illusion drew closer and the tennis ball could now be seen as the form of a rat that squeeked every time a racquet hit it. "The Marauders brought fun back to Hogwarts for a time but eventually they moved on," the voice said. The images faded away to be replaced by the dark, swirling clouds.</p>
<p>The lightning increased in the enchanted sky making the clouds look angry. "Once again, cruelty, bigotry, and general douche baggery has threatened to overwhelm Hogwarts. The cries of the victims of these acts can no longer be ignored. The time for the Marauders return is at hand!" the voice boomed.</p>
<p>The sky lightened a bit as the huge face of a red dragon suddenly appeared, hovering over the Great Hall. No one other than the Marauders themselves knew that the tell tale white scar on the dragon's forehead had been covered up with a generous amount of red stage makeup. The dragon spoke with the same voice the students had been hearing. "I am Scorch," the dragon said, identifying himself.</p>
<p>The dragon faded away and was replaced by the furry face a giant, brown kneazle. "My name is Fade," she said in a sexy contralto.</p>
<p>The kneazle's image disappeared as well to be replaced by the cuddly sight of a white bunny with yellow eyes. "Hello, I'm Velma," the bunny said in a sweet, childlike voice.</p>
<p>The bunny disappeared to be replaced by a golden monkey twirling the end of his mustache. "Master Janus at your service," he claimed and bowed deeply before fading away.</p>
<p>Madam Sprout's eyes went wide as the image of an Ent formed above the Great Hall. The Ent leaned closer to let the students get a better look at his surprisingly expressive face made of wood. The face tilted first one way and then the next before saying, "I am Groot." This caused a second year Hufflepuff by the name of James Harrington to fall out of his seat in shock and joy for not only was the young wizard a Muggleborn, but he was also a rabid collector of Muggle comic books. No one knew that Hermione Granger had taught herself to read at a very young age with her father's collection of the same comics.</p>
<p>Suddenly the Ent faded from view while the image of Scorch filled the sky again. "Beware those who practice cruelty for cruelty sake," he warned before exhaling a stream of fire that swept over the Great Hall. Many students shrieked and hid under the tables, but felt foolish when the fire did not burn them and only managed to relight the candles on top of the tables. A few students grinned at each other in the candle light.</p>
<p>Scorch disappeared once again to be replaced by Fade. The giant kneazle seemed to be staring at the Slytherin table. "Beware those who practice bigotry," she warned before suddenly swiping at them with her illusionary paw. As her paw swept harmlessly past them, Luna triggered another remote rune causing the green and silver banner hanging on the wall to shred as if it had been struck by Fade's claws.</p>
<p>Fade disappeared to be replaced by the cute face of Velma. The bunny seemed to be looking directly at Ravenclaw table. She let loose a bowel weakening howl and then bared her razor sharp fangs. Without another warning, Velma lunged at the table only disappearing the instant before her gigantic mouth would have closed on the Ravens. Several students, including Cho Chang wet themselves in fear. Knowing that was his cue, George stood up and raised his hand. "Okay, let's be honest here. Who just shit themselves?" he inquired. He kept his hand up and added, "Come on… we're all friends here."</p>
<p>Professor Dumbledore lifted his hand into the air which gave several students the courage to admit they had done the same. Professor McGonagall leaned over to her old friend and whispered, "I think he means in fear."</p>
<p>"Oh…" was all Dumbledore said before lowering his hand.</p>
<p>Janus appeared and glared down at George. "May we continue?" he asked in annoyance.</p>
<p>"Sorry," George muttered and sat down hurriedly showing his great skills as an actor.</p>
<p>The monkey slowly looked from table to table before speaking. "Beware… ah, enough of this formality. If you are douche bag, we are going to get you, make no mistake. And by douche bag, I mean you Snivellous Snape!" the monkey promised, pointing his golden finger at Snape. With a simian shriek, the monkey reached for something behind him and flung whatever it was at the potions professor. Luna timed the remote response rune perfectly and triggered the dung-bomb launcher at just the right time. The dung-bomb was concealed by the illusionary poo and exploded when it struck Snape's plate. They had angled the launcher so the poop explosion would only cover Snape. Janus quickly disappeared with what sounded like a satisfied laugh.</p>
<p>Snape wiped the stinky sludge from his eyes and screamed, "Potter! I'll see you expelled for this!"</p>
<p>Snape's shout was just what the new Marauders had been hoping for. Groot reappeared and shook a "finger" at him in a shaming motion. "I am Groot!" the Ent said firmly. This caused Harrington to silently scream "YES!" while pumping his fist in the air.</p>
<p>Groot faded away to be replaced by Scorch. "What my eloquent friend is trying to say is that you can't have it both ways, Snivellous. You always insist that Harry Potter is nothing more than an arrogant, mediocre wizard who has talent that puts him just barely above squib level. Now you are accusing him of spell work you would be hard pressed to accomplish, not saying you actually would be able to accomplish it mind you, but you get the idea," Scorch chided the greasy haired potions instructor.</p>
<p>While Scorch was speaking, Luna silently crept over to the Slytherin table and added three drops of a certain potion to Draco Malfoy's goblet of pumpkin juice. The Dragon's loud voice covered her whispered compulsion charm making Draco suddenly very thirsty. He grabbed the goblet and down the entire contents before putting the goblet back on the table. She crept away on tip toes ,trying not to let a maniacal laugh slip past her lips.</p>
<p>Scorch faded away and was replaced by Janus who started talking in a thick, fake German accent. "Hummm… perhaps vat ve are seeing here is actually the outer manifestations of Snape's predilection for young boys. His unrequited lust for young Mr. Potter has left the poor fellow unhinged," he surmised.</p>
<p>Snape pulled his wand and aimed it at the monkey. "Why you…" Snape started to yell before he froze when he realized the monkey was holding something behind its butt. Snape lowered his wand and stalked out of the Great Hall. Unfortunately for the rest of the teachers, his trick with the billowing robe caused the stench of dung-bomb to spread even more.</p>
<p>The Professor McGonagall bit her lip and dug her fingernails into her palms to keep herself from laughing at her fellow teacher. Scorch looked over at her and gave the Head of Gryffindor a mischievous wink. This tipped the scales and the usually stern teacher let loose with a burst of laughter. Scorch nodded his head happily and then looked at the students. "Rejoice, Mortals, for the Marauders have returned!" he announced before the enchanted ceiling went back to showing the night sky as if nothing had happened.</p>
<p>Professors Flitwick and Babbling were both clapping their hands loudly in appreciation of what they had just seen and not just at Snape being made to look like a fool. Babbling was about to tell Flitwick that she couldn't decide which was more impressive, the applied runes or applied charms when a disturbance at the Slytherin table distracted her. Draco Malfoy had suddenly thrown his head back and was gripping the edge of the table with his hands. "Oh… oh… oh yes! Oh… oh yes!" he screamed. Draco started to wildly buck his hips beneath the table while he kept his eyes closed in rapture. "Oh...oh...oh Sweet Merlin, Yes! Yes! YES!" Draco screamed with each "yes" being punctuated by a another thrust of his hips. On the final "yes" Draco shuddered in ecstasy as his release hit him.</p>
<p>Babbling signalled for a House Elf and whispered, "I'll have what he's having."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Chapter 7</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Fred and George eagerly gave the portrait of the Fat Lady the current password and hurried into the Gryffindor common room as soon as she swung aside. Their afternoon Potions class had been canceled with a note on the classroom door that simply said Professor Snape had come down with some sort of ailment and that classes would most likely resume next week. The twins recognized the flowery handwriting on the note as that of Madam Pomfrey even if it did look a bit more shaky than usual. The young pranksters couldn't wait to get the fourth year Marauders' versions of what had happened since it was finally the day they were planning on executing the second part of "Project O-Face". Fred paused for a moment as he scanned over the common room and didn't see any sign of their friends. His brother tugged on his arm and pointed at the boy's dorm on the second floor. Hermione and Luna were sitting on either side of the doorway leading into the boy's bathroom. Even from the floor of the common room, the twins could see the worried expressions painted on the girls' faces. Not wasting any time, the twins ran up the stairs taking the steps two at a time.</p>
      <p>"Fade, what's wrong?" George asked gently as he knelt next to the bushy haired Marauder. He spoke softly enough so only she and Luna could hear him. Instead of answering, Hermione shuddered as if reliving a traumatic memory. With a jerk of his head, George indicated that Fred should go into the bathroom to see if he could help in there.</p>
      <p>After a moment, Fred came back out looking confused and more than slightly disturbed. He turned toward the girls and held up two fingers. "Okay, two questions. The first question is why is Harry bent over a toilet throwing up hard enough that I swear I saw bits of <em>last</em> year's Welcoming Feast come out? And two - why is Neville curled up in a fetal position crying on the shower floor fully dressed under a stream of hot water?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>Luna answered the question, knowing that Hermione was still trying to come to grips with what had occurred. "Part two of Project O-Face didn't exactly work out like we thought it would," she stated simply.</p>
      <p>Trying to imagine how their plan could have failed so miserably, George put his hand on Hermione's shoulder in a show of support. "If you feel up to it, Fade, tell us what happened. If you need more time, that's fine," he suggested.</p>
      <p>Hermione took a shuddering breath and calmed herself. She looked up at George and gave him a weak smile while she used his hand to help her stand up. "Thanks, Janus," she replied softly. She took in another deep breath before telling them the story of what had happened during their morning Potions class. "At the beginning, everything went like clockwork. Thanks to your notes, we knew we would be working on the flame freezing potion this week. Since the potion has to be mixed in a room with an ambient temperature of at least 49 degrees Celsius, we chose today to put the plan in motion," she reminded them. "The room was sweltering causing everybody to sweat profusely. Neville waited until Snape walked past his workbench to pull out a perma-cold enchanted bottle of butterbeer from his bag, uncork it, and put the bottle to his lips. Like we planned, Snape swept over and snatched the bottle out of Neville's hands," she told them. Both twins noticed the lack of an honorific before Snape's name in her story but decided not to mention it. "Snape docked us 20 points for a potions safety violation, smirked, and drank the entire bottle of butterbeer in front of Neville. For his part, Neville was great. He acted like he was furious and muttered about how much the perma-cold bottle had cost," she relayed to them.</p>
      <p>"Sounds like the prank went off flawlessly. What went wrong?" Fred asked.</p>
      <p>Hermione sighed and her brows furrowed in frustration. "I'm not really sure. The only thing I can think of is that either the high heat in the room, or the fact that we mixed the orgasm potion with butterbeer, or possibly a combination of both caused the potion to work differently than it normally does," she sighed. "Instead of just causing Snape to randomly ejaculate, he started verbalizing his favorite sexual fantasies before having an orgasm. His first fantasy was a very vivid and graphic depiction of what he wanted to do to the body of Harry's mom. The fact that she has been dead for over 13 years only seemed to add more spice to his fantasy," she relayed to them.</p>
      <p>"That explains why Harry is praying to the porcelain god, but what about Neville?" Fred prodded.</p>
      <p>Hermione shuddered again. "After his first orgasm, Snape went onto his next favorite sexual fantasy. Unfortunately for Neville, this one involved Neville tied naked across the back of a Shetland pony while Snape buggered him wearing only a black and silver tutu and humming the tune to 'God Save the Queen'. After that, things started to get really weird," she managed to say.</p>
      <p>The twins just stood still, the rapid blinking of their eyes the only sign they were processing what they had heard. Hermione put her hands on her hips in her trademarked pose of displeasure. "Honestly… there is no way a snake that size could survive with its head shoved up Neville's butt the way Snape described. Obviously the snake would suffocate after a only few moments and wouldn't be able to wiggle its tongue in the fashion Snape described," she said while rolling her eyes in disgust. Hermione looked first at George and then Fred. "And trust me you, you DON'T want to know about the fantasies he has about the two of you," she added. The twins suddenly thought that both Harry and Neville's reactions were perfectly normal. In fact if anything, they thought the other two were handling the event rather well all things considered.</p>
      <p>Footsteps on the stairs leading to the boy's part of the dorms brought their conversation to a close. All of their heads looked over as they heard Professor McGonagall clear her throat. The twins recognized the look in her eyes as the one she got before punishing them after they had got caught doing a rather complex prank. She looked the group over for a second, letting her cold glare sink in and start eroding their confidence in their own cleverness. "Where are Harry and Neville?" she demanded, her tone sharp enough to cut stone with.</p>
      <p>Hermione pointed to the bathroom. "In there, Professor. They aren't feeling well at the moment," she replied.</p>
      <p>McGonagall glanced once to the bathroom door and then back at the group assembled outside of it. "As soon as Harry and Neville are able, you three Gryffindors will escort them to the Headmaster's Office. Ms. Lovegood, you will go there as well. Professor Flitwick will be there as Head of your house. The Headmaster is away on business for the tournament and his office is the only one large enough to deal with the six of you at one time," she instructed them. With a final glance at the bathroom, her eyes lost some of their hardness. "If Harry and Neville are unable to be in the Headmaster's office in thirty minutes, we will have this discussion in the Hospital Wing while Madam Pomfrey looks them over," she ordered and then walked back down the stairs.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>*****Unexpected Animagus*****</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Harry popped another sugar free mint provided by Hermione into his mouth as he led his Marauders into Professor Dumbledore's office to face the consequences of their prank. When he stepped inside, he saw Professor McGonagall seated behind the Headmaster's desk while Professor Flitwick stood next to the desk with his arms folded across his chest. Without having to be asked, the Marauders each took one of the six empty chairs arrayed in a semicircle in front of the desk.</p>
      <p>Once the students were all seated, Flitwick took a step forward and pointed a long, skinny finger at Harry. "What in the name of Rowena's Resplendit Rack were you thinking using Charlus' orgasm potion?!" he demanded. "Forget about expulsion, I should have you sent to the Goblin Dragon pens to work as a stall cleaners for what you did!" he added as he puffed up his chest in righteous anger.</p>
      <p>McGonagall shook her head sadly and placed a calming hand on the diminutive Charms Professor's shoulder. "Perhaps we should give them a chance to admit their guilt and explain themselves before we assign any type punishment," she said with an unexpected air of gentleness.</p>
      <p>Hermione watched her two favorite Professors and had a hunch about what she was seeing. Luna falling out of her chair laughing told her the young Ravenclaw had jumped to the same conclusion. Hermione's smile caused Professor Flitwick to relax his posture and start to laugh along with Luna. He looked up at McGonagall and chuckled, "I told you Good Professor / Bad Professor wouldn't work with this lot."</p>
      <p>McGonagall tilted her head so she could look over her glasses at her friend. "It might have if you had let me be the Bad Professor," she chided him.</p>
      <p>Flitwick shrugged his shoulders in a noncommittal fashion. "It was my turn and I've been practicing in front of a mirror," he replied. Leaning an arm comfortably on the desk, he looked back at Harry. "Judging from your confused expression, I would be willing to bet you are wondering how Professor McGonagall and I knew exactly what potion was used," he stated. Harry nodded his head in agreement. "You see, Mr. Potter, Minnie… I mean Professor McGonagall… and I were both very good friends of your Grandparents. We had both volunteered to be test subjects when Charlus invented that potion," he explained.</p>
      <p>All six of the Marauders looked like they had been smacked in the back of the head by a bludger. Flitwick chuckled again at their identical expressions of disbelief. "You didn't actually think we spend the entire summer break sitting around the castle did you?" he asked rhetorically. "Since Mr. Malfoy started experiencing very specific symptoms shortly after your visit to the Potter Family vault, it was easy to connect the dots as the Muggles say," Flitwick surmised.</p>
      <p>"Be that as it may, you six are still in a lot of trouble. Your little prank has sent four people to the hospital wing- three victims of your prank and one injured from collateral damage," McGonagall told them. She arched an eyebrow in surprise as the new Marauders looked even more confused. Deciding to continue, McGonagall pulled out several parchments from a folder. "The six of you could be facing charges of maliciously causing harm to one student and two professors," she stated looking at the top piece of parchment.</p>
      <p>Fred held his hands up for McGonagall to stop. "Wait… wait… what do you mean 'malicious harm' and what do you mean by two professors?!" he asked. "I would think 48 hours of orgasmic bliss would be considered a gift, not something meant to harm someone," he argued.</p>
      <p>McGonagall looked down at Flitwick who nodded his head. He stepped forward and looked both twins in the eyes, one at a time. "I don't mean to embarrass you two, but what is the highest number of orgasms you have had in a single day?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>Fred looked at George who shrugged his shoulders. "Five, Professor," George replied.</p>
      <p>"I see… and why did you stop at five?" Flitwick prodded.</p>
      <p>"Well, you see, after the fifth time, our nuts started to ache and… oh… ah… oops," Fred said as he realized their mistake.</p>
      <p>Flitwick nodded his head. "Yes, I see you understand now. Like I said earlier, I volunteered to be one of Charlus' test subjects way back when. By the end of the second day, my testicles felt like the Holyhead Harpies had used them for bludger practice," he explained.</p>
      <p>Professor McGonagall took over again and shifted to the second piece of parchment. "According to Madam Pomfrey, young Mr. Malfoy is suffering from delirium brought on by exhaustion and dehydration. She also said his testicles… and I quote… 'look like tiny, shriveled up prunes'. However she does add that since he is a male Malfoy, she can't say with certainty whether or not the shrunken size of his testicle can be fully attributed to the potion," she read. She put down the report on Malfoy and picked up the report on Snape. After glancing at it for a few seconds, she put it back down. "I would tell you what Madam Pomfrey has to report about Professor Snape, but her handwriting is so shaky, I can't make heads nor tails of it. I personally checked in on Professor Babbling and while she looks completely exhausted, it might be weeks before her smile wears off," she added.</p>
      <p>"Professor Babbling?! How did she get dosed?" Harry blurted out. He looked at the other Marauders and all of them except for Luna shrugged their shoulders in confusement.</p>
      <p>"That explains it…" Luna muttered to herself loud enough for everyone else to hear. The room grew very quiet before Luna started to explain her hypothesis. "For a brief moment after I dosed Malfoy during our introduction prank, I felt the weight of the potion vial vanish. Almost as soon as I realized that it was gone, I could feel the potion back in my pocket," she said. "Professor Flitwick, you were sitting next to Professor Babbling. Did she say or do anything right after Malfoy started humping the table?" she inquired.</p>
      <p>Flitwick frowned for a moment while he recalled that evening. His frown switched to a grin that was followed by a short burst of laughter. "Oh my… I think Professor Babbling has just got a lesson in watching what she wishes for. Right after Malfoy's rather loud climax, Professor Babbling told a House Elf 'I'll have what he's having.' I think we can safely check her name off the list of intended victims. Besides, by the very nature of the differences in men and women, I doubt she would want to press charges anyway," he stated. Professor McGonagall slid some of the parchments into the wastebin next to the desk. Flitwick stood on his toes to look at the next parchment on the desk. "To be fair, we probably shouldn't charge them with the unintentional injury either," he stated. He waited a brief second before answering the question he knew the students would ask. "Mr. Filch was asked to come in and clean up the Slytherin common room after both Mr. Malfoy and Professor Snape had been in there. To aid Mr. Filch, we put out the lights and I cast a variant of the <em>Lumos</em> charm that I had developed to assist Aurors at crime scenes. The spell only casts light in the UV spectrum. As you may or may not know, bodily fluids fluoresce under Ultraviolet light. After I cast my charm, the glare was so bright, it was as if we standing on a pristine snowfield at high noon. I nearly dropped my wand and poor Argus fainted, striking his head on a table as he fell," he told them.</p>
      <p>"Be that as it may, they are still responsible for what has happened to Professor Snape and Mr. Malfoy," McGonagall reminded her friend.</p>
      <p>"Actually, Professor, we aren't responsible for what happened to Professor Snape," Hermione stated. McGonagall raised an eyebrow in surprise. She couldn't think of any other time she had heard Hermione contradict a professor. "What happened was entirely his fault, and if I read the school charter correctly, he was also in violation of the school's policy against illegally using something confiscated from a student. He also clearly violated the safety protocols for a Potions lab and had the nerve to dock points from us for almost doing the same," Hermione said in a straightforward manner.</p>
      <p>"Those are some serious accusations Ms. Granger," McGonagall pointed out, frowning at the young woman.</p>
      <p>Harry snorted in frustration. "And accusing us of 'maliciously harming a professor' isn't?" he challenged.</p>
      <p>Professor McGonagall raised her hands in a calming gesture. "All I'm saying is I hope you have evidence to backup your claims," she stated.</p>
      <p>Hermione pointed towards a cabinet in the corner of the room that held Dumbledore's pensieve behind a set of glass doors. "I will gladly volunteer my memories for you to view in the Headmaster's pensieve," she offered.</p>
      <p>Professor McGonagall sighed loudly. What Hermione was suggesting was something she herself had asked of Dumbledore on many different occasions. "I'm sorry, Ms. Granger, but Headmaster Dumbledore has refused to let us view any student memories in the past, even if it would clear up questions of such a serious matter as this," she apologized. McGonagall turned her head to watch as her old friend walked towards the cabinet. "Filius… what are you doing?" she asked.</p>
      <p>"I guess it's a good thing the Headmaster isn't here to tell us no then, is it?" Flitwick asked rhetorically as he unlatched the glass doors and pulled out the rolling drawer the pensieve stood on. He looked over his shoulder and winked at the twins, "The Marauders weren't the first group of their kind at a school this old. I've always wanted to try my hand at this thing," he admitted.</p>
      <p>McGonagall closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose to stave off the headache she was getting. After a moment, she put her hand down and looked at Flitwick. "Alright, but if you tell the students what my nickname was in school, I'll permanently transfigure your underthings into a chastity belt and then feed the key to the giant squid," she warned her friend. Walking over to the cabinet she asked, "I take it you know how to provide a memory, Ms. granger?"</p>
      <p>Hermione had read over everything she could get her hands on once she had seen the crystal vial containing the memories of James Potter. "Of course, Professor," she replied as she touched the end of her wand to her temple and drew out a silvery stand of memory. With almost exaggerated care, she placed the memory thread into the pensieve basin.</p>
      <p>Everyone was so focused on what Hermione was doing, they didn't notice the twins had stood up and snuck their way over to the pensieve. The boys were so overcome with curiosity as to how the prank actually went down that they were willing to risk observing what Hermione had described. Besides, how bad could it really be they thought. A split second after the two professors disappeared into the pensieve, the twins stuck their faces into the basin and were transported into Hermione's memory.</p>
      <p>After about five minutes in real time, the two professors and the twins returned to the safe confines of the Headmaster's office. McGonagall instantly conjured a waste bin for Flitwick who proceeded to vomit with enough force the half-goblin wondered if he was about to see his socks appear in the waste bin. The twins were holding eachother for comfort. George looked over at the other Marauders and spat out, "My gods, who...who looks at an artichoke and comes up with those kind of ideas?!"</p>
      <p>When Flitwick was done emptying his stomach, McGonagall vanished the mess. She took a deep breath in an effort to get her nerves under control. "I agree that Professor Snape did violate the charter of the school and technically you didn't force him to drink the butterbeer. Even if I didn't agree with you, I think that what you witnessed is much worse than any punishment I could come up with," she told the New Marauders. McGonagall slowly looked at the boys in the room, her expression one of pity. "I'll put in a floo call to St. Mungo's and see if they can spare their best mind healer for a day or two. I think we could all do with a good obliviation. By Godric's Gigantic Gonads, I know I do. At least you students will only have to see Snape for a few more years. I have to work with that… that… <em>thing</em> day in and day out with neither one of us expecting to retire anytime soon," she stated.</p>
      <p>Luna looked down at the floor as she made a decision and then back up at their teachers. "Professor McGonagall, I think I have a way to help with this. We just need enough quills and parchment for each of us," she said with her usual dreamy smile.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>*** BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT ***</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Harry rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times to get rid of the purple spots in his vision. He stiffened suddenly as he realized he was in the Headmaster's office. Slowly looking around, he saw the other New Marauders as well as Professors McGonagall and Flitwick were in the room. Everyone except Luna looked as surprised as he was to find themselves in the office with no memory of why they were there or even how they got there in the first place. For her part, Luna was putting away a pair of black muggle style sunglasses into a pocket of her robe that also held a shiny silver tube. He thought he heard Luna mutter under her breath, "... fifth times got to be a charm."</p>
      <p>Luna waited until everyone seemed to be more or less coherent and suggested, "Since we each seem to have a letter in front of us, we should probably read them to ourselves… silently." She unfolded hers and read what she had written a just few minutes ago:</p>
      <p>
        <em>Luna,</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Remember the things we can't mention! We don't know if our friends can take any more obliviations in such a short amount of time. Daddy did say too many exposures in one day could lead to their brains leaking out through their noses. Anyway, the things we can't talk about are:</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>1 - Neville's Great Uncle Algie is head of the Unspeakables.</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>2 - Our Great Uncle Zed is a squib who holds a similar position in America.</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>3 - We suspect the Nargles have been dry humping Professor McGonagall's secret stash of catnip.</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Yours forever (obviously),</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Luna</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>P.S. Make a pair of Raybans for Fawkes.</em>
      </p>
      <p>Luna glanced over at the usually majestic phoenix and saw he was sitting on his perch with his head tilted to one side. The bird's eyes were crossed and its tongue was hanging out one side of its mouth while drool was trickling out the other side.</p>
      <p>Harry unfolded his parchment and read what was clearly written in his own handwriting:</p>
      <p>
        <em>Harry,</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Project O-Face part two went tits up in a horrible way. You volunteered to have the memory obliviated. For the love of all that is holy and good in the world, don't ask why!</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Yourself,</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>Harry</em>
      </p>
      <p>
        <em>P.S. Flitwick and McGonagall know about the orgasm potion. Don't use it again.</em>
      </p>
      <p>McGonagall shakily sat down behind Dumbledore's desk and read her own letter. The first paragraph was written in Welsh and contained all of the codewords she had come up with to let her know she had her memory voluntarily modified. The rest of the letter went on to say they had decided Harry and his friends were responsible for Mr. Malfoy and to go ahead with her plans for their "punishment." The next paragraph told her Snape had gotten what he deserved and to schedule a mind healer appointment for Poppy. The last paragraph gave specific instructions to take the vial of pensieve memory on the desk to an abandoned quarry and destroy it with fiendfyre. Afterwards, she was to flood the quarry and transfigure the water to stone to seal the ashes away for eternity.</p>
      <p>After giving everyone time to read the letters to themselves, McGonagall cleared her throat to gain their attentions. "From what I wrote myself, I really don't want to know what was said in this office recently. Therefore we will skip ahead to your punishment for dosing Mr. Malfoy with the orgasm potion developed by Charlus Potter," she told them. "You six will be attending detention with myself and Professor Flitwick for the next two weekends learning how to dance. The Yule Ball is in a month and I will NOT have the six of you embarrassing Hogwarts in front of the other two schools!"</p>
      <p>Hermione frowned for a moment and then glanced at Luna. She knew that the ball was only open to 4th year students and above and Luna was only a third year. Neville saw her glance and blushed a deep red. "I… er… sorta asked Luna to go with me to the ball yesterday," he admitted with a smile. His smile slipped as he suddenly looked confused. "At least I think it was yesterday, I can't remember what day this is now that I think about it," he muttered.</p>
      <p>Luna gave Neville a smile of her own and reached over to squeeze his hand. "It's still thursday," she assured him.</p>
      <p>Flitwick's grin was almost as big as Luna's at the mention of his Ravenclaw getting to go to the ball. He looked over at the twins with a playful look in his eyes. "Well, it would seem like Harry and Neville have dance partners to learn with. It looks like you two will have to flip a galleon to see who leads and who follows unless you can convince a pair of young ladies to take pity on you and give up the next two weekends," he chuckled. Flitwick was about to say something else when a silvery blue gopher suddenly appeared in the room.</p>
      <p>This particular patronus manifested by seemingly digging its way up through the floorboards. The gopher looked around the room and then focused on McGonagall. They all recognized Professor Sprout's voice as the patronus spoke. "I was just approached by a wounded centaur. Death Eaters have kidnapped the Beauxbatons' Champion by using imperiused acromantulas and taken her into the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid ran off into the forest before I could tell him to wait for help. Minnie, gather what help you can and meet me at the greenhouses!" the gopher patronus commanded before dissolving with a silly little dance done to a Kenny Loggins tune.</p>
      <p>Flitwick hit the door out of Dumbledore's office at a dead run. "I'll find Mad-Eye and meet you at the greenhouses," he called out over his shoulder.</p>
      <p>Professor McGonagall spared a quick glance for the six students. "I'll expect to see you all immediately after breakfast this Saturday," she said quickly before rushing out of the office.</p>
      <p>The Marauders waited until they could no longer hear McGonagall's hurried footsteps before they stood up from their chairs. Harry didn't have to ask what the others were thinking. They all filed out of the room and stopped just outside of the gargoyle guarding the entrance to Dumbledore's office. Harry leaned over and gave Hermione a quick kiss on the lips. "Meet you in the forest, Fade," he told her lovingly. Hermione nodded and set off down the hallway at a run followed only a step behind by Luna and Neville. Harry started running in the opposite direction which would lead him to the Astronomy tower. He noticed the twins were following him.</p>
      <p>Fred smirked while they ran and simply said, "Why walk when you can ride."</p>
      <p>
        <strong>**** Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Professor McGonagall leaned one hand on the side of greenhouse 4 as she fought to catch her breath. Her friend, Pomona Sprout was kneeling next to a centaur that had collapsed at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. The centaur had two large puncture wounds on his rear flank that were oozing a foul looking green substance. Sprout was hurriedly chewing some sort of leaf and then spitting it out into her hand. When she had enough of the masticated leaves, she packed them into the wounds causing the green ickor to smoke and vaporize. When she was satisfied with her work, Sprout stood up and walked over to McGonagall.</p>
      <p>The pleasantly plump Herbology teacher reached up and put her hand on McGonagall's shoulder. "Deep even breaths, Minnie. The last thing we need is for you to collapse as well," she softly told the Head of Gryffindor.</p>
      <p>McGonagall did as she was told and soon had her breathing back under control and then let out a dry chuckle. "We're not as young as we used be, are we 'Mona?" she inquired.</p>
      <p>Sprout put her hands on her hips and stood up straight, the top of her head barely coming up to McGonagall's chin. "Speak for yourself, Minnie. I decided long ago to quit counting birthdays. I'm still 29 and have been for the last 45 years," she replied with a smirk. Growing serious, she looked over the lawn where she saw her other best friend running as fast as his short legs could propel him.</p>
      <p>When Flitwick reached his friends, he was only slightly short of breath since he still kept up with his Dueling Champion training regiment. The half-goblin ground his jaws together in frustration before he spoke. "I couldn't find Mad-Eye and didn't have time to check the entire castle for him," he reported to McGonagall.</p>
      <p>Sprout took in a deep breath to calm her nerves. The thought of facing a bunch of Death Eaters backed by the acromantula colony turned her insides weak. However even with the terror she was feeling, the thought of not going in after Hagrid never entered the Head of Hufflepuff's mind. She was in the process of drawing her wand when she saw movement at the top of the Astronomy tower. "What are those three doing?" she worried aloud as she saw the figures standing at the edge of the parapet that surrounded the tower. For a brief instant she felt better as the three figures stepped away from the 13 story drop. That instant was all she got before she screamed "Nooooo!" as the three figures ran back to the parapet and lept off of the Astronomy tower.</p>
      <p>Sprout watched in horror as the three bodies plummeted to the ground. She lost sight of them as they passed behind a hill between her and the castle. Nothing could have prepared the Herbology teacher for what she saw next. A huge red dragon rocketed skyward from behind the hill. The dragon leveled off quickly and glided silently over the three teachers on its way into the Forbidden Forest. When the dragon was directly overhead, Sprout recognized the huge red face as that of Scorch from the entertaining prank in the Great Hall. She also recognized the twin monkeys hanging on to a shoulder spike, shaking defiant fists towards the Forbidden Forest. The white scales of the lightning bolt scar on the dragon also drew her attention.</p>
      <p>Sprout looked over at her fellow teachers and saw they didn't look nearly as surprised as she did. Before she could ask any questions, a rather large, brown kneazle ran past the professors and leapt into the Forbidden Forest. The kneazle's body vanished starting from its nose and ending at its tail as it passed through the ward separating the grounds of Hogwarts from the forest.</p>
      <p>A frustrated howl that sent chills down Sprout's spine caused her to look back towards the castle. Hopping as fast as it could, a snow white bunny with yellow eyes was making its way slowly to the forest. Sprout's breath caught in her throat again as she saw the magnificent form of a large ent step out from behind the castle several yards behind the vabbit. The ent threw back its mighty shoulder limbs and bellowed a challenge into the clear skies. As someone who identified herself with the magic of the Earth and things that grew from it, the bellow gave Sprout a shot of courage and hope.</p>
      <p>The ent stopped its battle cry and started running towards the professors. At first, the large, green creature was slow moving, but soon gathered speed as it raced across the grounds. The ent didn't even break stride as it reached down to scoop up the white vabbit as it ran past. Sprout would never be able to verbalize how, but she swore the vabbit looked very pleased with itself as the ent cradled it to its side. All three professors turned to watch as the ent ran into the forest. The huge creature never slowed down and it seemed like the trees themselves were moving out of the way to let their protector pass.</p>
      <p>Flitwick leaned against the greenhouse, a feral grin on his face. "I suppose we should have expected that. They did warn us they would be watching over Hogwarts after all," he said to no one in particular.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>**** Unexpected Animagus****</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Hagrid swore under his breath as he moved through the forest with a quietness at odds with his huge stature. The tracks of the acromantula were easy to follow and he guessed they were headed to a clearing that he knew had been used for dark rituals in the past. The way the brush had been pushed aside rather than gone over indicated to the half-giant that the descendents of his friend, Aragog, were under some sort of mind-control. He swore again as his suspicions were proven right when he neared the clearing. Hagrid counted nine Death Eaters and at least twice as many acromantula in the clearing. In the very center of the clearing was a blacked stone altar with a young woman laying on the top. From where he stood, Hagrid could see that Ms. Delacour was completely cocooned in spider webs except for her head.</p>
      <p>Hagrid slid back behind a tree as he drew the bow string on his massive crossbow and locked it into place. He placed a barb tipped bolt snugly on the string before sneaking back around the side of the tree. Hagrid put the crossbow on his shoulder and took careful aim at the Death Eater holding a ceremonial knife above the bound French Champion. A dark shadow passing over the clearing made the Gameskeeper pause. The inhuman screams of anger coming from a pair of pissed off monkeys and a dragon's roar drew everyone's attention skyward. Hagrid lowered his crossbow as a pair of Tibetan Chaos Monkeys fell out of the sky, their lips drawn back in matching snarls. When the twin monkeys were right on top of the Death Eaters, they vanished in puffs of purple smoke.</p>
      <p>Fleur struggled against the webs binding her. She knew if she could get free, she could transform herself into her avian form and teach these British bastards why it's a very bad idea to kidnap a Veela. All she managed to do was get her head to turn to the side. Blinking a few times to make sure she wasn't seeing things, Fleur looked into a pair of feline eyes floating in midair only a few feet away. A ferocious grin appeared below the eyes before the partial face faded away from view. A whispered snick of claws being extended was followed by the webs being shredded along the side of her body.</p>
      <p>The Death Eater holding the knife above Fleur screamed in rage, "I think not!" and swung the knife down to end her life. The blow never landed as the Death Eater was knocked aside at the last instant by a golden furred monkey. The impact was enough to dislodge the Death Eater's hood partially and a bit of silvery blond hair poked out. A Death Eater near them screamed as well, but this in time in agony. He started running around the clearing in a panic while a white rabbit with very sharp, pointy teeth happily gnawed on his backside.</p>
      <p>The dragon landing in the clearing further added to the chaos. He knocked one Death Eater into the underbrush with a powerful swipe of his tail. The huge gash from one of the tail spikes guaranteed that Death Eater would be out of out of commision for quite a while. The dragon snorted in satisfaction and turned its attention to the acromantulas. The acromantulas took one whiff of the scent of an Elder dragon and snapped out of their imperiused state. The dragon's scent was too close to that of their most feared enemy, the basilisk, to not trigger every self defense instinct they owned. As one, the acromantula turned to face away from the dragon and ran off as fast as their eight legs could carry them. The dragon swung his head down to look at the brown kneazle who had materialized next to him. The kneazle met his eyes and somehow managed to shrug her shoulders in a very human like fashion.</p>
      <p>Hagrid lowered his crossbow since he was afraid of accidentally hitting one of the Marauders who were tearing through the Death Eaters like a niffler through a bag of gold. Movement at the edge of the clearing had Hagrid raising the crossbow again. A Death Eater was waving his wand through the air in what the Gameskeeper could only guess at being the movements of a very vicious spell. Before Hagrid could fire, vines sprung out of the forest and wrapped themselves around the Death Eater's wand arm. A terrified yelp sounded as the Death Eater was yanked off of the ground and pulled into the darkness of the forest. The yelp was suddenly cut off as a very solid sounding thump of wood against skull sounded throughout the clearing.</p>
      <p>Fleur was never one to look a gift Hippogriff in the mouth and quickly swung her legs off of the altar. She closed her eyes and transformed by drawing on the magical fire within herself. Where once a beautiful young woman stood, now stood a creature with a woman's body, but the head, wings, and taloned feet of giant bird of prey. She had five fingered hands but they also ended in large, black talons. Swirling fireballs sprung to life in each of her palms formed from the raw hate she felt for her captors. With practiced ease, the veela threw fireballs at the two nearest Death Eaters, catching their black robes on fire.</p>
      <p>A twig snapping behind her caused Fleur to spin around just in time to see the Death Eater with the silvery blond hair cast an overpowered cutting curse at her. The clearing suddenly dissolved in a puff of purple smoke. When the smoke cleared a second later, Fleur found herself on the other side of the clearing with her waist encircled by the arms of one of the golden monkeys. The monkey let go of her and snarled at the Death Eater who was looking around in confusion, trying to find his target. As the monkey ran towards the clearing and then vanished, Fleur noticed a deep cut that ran from one shoulder to the opposite hip along the monkey's back.</p>
      <p>A few moments later, Fleur saw the monkey appear silently behind the Death Eater that had tried to kill her. The monkey made eye contact with her and smiled despite the obvious pain he was in. He held up a very angry looking squirrel by the tail. White foam could easily be seen dripping off of the squirrel's mouth. Without a sound, the monkey apparated in front of the Death Eater, grabbed the waistband of the Death Eater's trousers, and dropped the rabid squirrel down the front of the bastard's pants. Until the day she died, Fleur would always cherish the memory of the horrified screams of the Death Eater as the squirrel decided it liked the taste of fleshy nuts as much as the ones that came from trees.</p>
      <p>The Death Eater with the vabbit on his ass finally dislodged the furry demon by slamming his butt into a tree. The vabit fell to the ground, too stunned to run away or continue its attack. The Death Eater pointed his wand at the cute, but deadly creature. The tip of his wand glowed with a sickly green light as he started to cast the Killing Curse. The curse failed as the Death Eater was only able to get out, "<em><strong>Avada Cada-ahhhhhhh!"</strong></em> The last bit was caused by the Death Eater screaming as a sharp branch exploded out of his chest from behind. He screamed for another second as he was lifted off of the forest floor. The scream ended with a sickening crack as he was slammed into the nearest tree. The Death Eater was beaten into red and pink mush as the huge ent slammed him into several more trees to make sure he was dead. When he was finished, the ent flicked his branch like arm like he was dislodging a bogey from his finger. The dead Death Eater flew across the clearing and knocked over three of his fellows.</p>
      <p>The surviving Death Eaters took a quick look at the carnage around them and they activated their emergency portkeys. Even the Death Eater with a squirrel attached to his nuts managed to grab the dried finger bone in his pocket and activate his own portkey. The veela made eye contact with the injured monkey and bowed low before she took to the air. She flapped her wings several times and flew off in the direction of Hogwarts. The vabbit launched herself at the ent and started rubbing herself rapidly against the ent's lower leg. For his part, the ent looked over at the other Marauders and gave them a sheepish grin.</p>
      <p>The Chaos Monkeys started laughing so hard, they lost control of their transformation. Hagrid nodded his head in pride as he watched the monkeys change into the twin troublemakers. George pointed at the ent and teased, "Hey Groot! I never noticed that branch below your waist before. Kinda looks like a big broom handle!" The ent's face broke out in small red flowers across its cheeks.</p>
      <p>Fred groaned in pain and slumped to his knees. He gave his twin an angry glare and chided, "Thanks… now I'm going to feel dirty every time we play Quidditch."</p>
      <p>Hagrid stepped into the clearing and clapped his hands proudly. "Well done you lot, well done! I knew the return of the Marauders would be a great thing for Hogwarts," he praised. The huge dragon lowered its head towards Hagrid in a gesture of modesty. Hagrid's smile grew to truly gigantic proportions as he recognized the lightning bolt scar on the dragon's forehead. He found he wasn't able to help himself as he thought back to one of the first things he had said to the young man when he found him on that small island four years ago. Hagrid fought down the laughter, pointed at Harry, and proclaimed, "You're a <em>lizard</em>, Harry!"</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus</p>
<p>Chapter 8</p>
<p>As the Marauders left the hospital wing with Fred almost completely healed, they ran into their team's three Chasers just outside the infirmary door. The tall, dark skinned girl, Angelina Johnson, winked at her fellow Chasers. She turned to face the first twin she found, which just happened to be George. Angelina leaned in to give him a brief kiss on the cheek before she said, "Thanks for asking me to the Yule Ball, Fred."</p>
<p>George spun to face his twin, his jaw clenched in anger. "You filthy son-of-a-Malfoy! You KNEW I fancied Angelina and was just trying to work up the courage to ask her out!" he snarled. George took one threatening step towards Fred and shouted "You…" before he registered the look of utter confusion on his twin's face. George let his shoulders relax as he continued, "… have absolutely no idea what she's talking about and I've just been pranked into admitting I fancy a girl in front of her and her best mates." Fred nodded his head while a smirk of admiration for how George had been played crept across his face.</p>
<p>Going down on one knee, George grabbed Angelina's hand and asked impulsively, "Will you marry me?"</p>
<p>Angelina laughed as she helped George up to his feet. "How about we start off with something a little easier?" she countered.</p>
<p>"Okay, how about… will you go with me to the Yule Ball?" George inquired.</p>
<p>"Yes, I would be delighted to go with you. Thank you for asking, George," Angelina replied. She gave him another kiss on the cheek before heading down to breakfast with Alicia and Katie. As she walked away, Angelina looked back over her shoulder and said, "I look forward to helping Professor McGonagall teach you how to dance after breakfast." The Marauders chuckled when they realized that even their stern Head of House must have had a part in setting up that "prank" on George.</p>
<p>The group of friends only made it a dozen meters before Cedric Diggory and his vampire groupie girlfriend, Cho Chang, stepped out from an alcove. "Harry, since we rarely see each other, I haven't had a chance to thank you for telling me about the dragons," Cedric told him.</p>
<p>Harry noticed that Cedric looked very happy while Cho looked like she had just bitten into a very sour lemon. The Gryffindor champion shrugged his shoulders slightly in confusion. "It was the fair thing to do. You don't need to thank me," he replied.</p>
<p>Cedric smiled and shook his head in amusement. "You truly believe that, I can see it in your eyes, Harry. With that much compassion and fairness flowing through you, your courage has to be off the charts if the Sorting Hat put you in Gryffindor instead of Hufflepuff," he half joked. "But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I'm in your debt, while both Cho and I are in Hermione's," Cedric stated.</p>
<p>"I would have figured it out eventually," Cho whined, interrupting her boyfriend.</p>
<p>Cedric patted her soothingly on the back, not realizing he was being slightly patronizing. "I'm sure you would have, Cho. It's just Hermione is the smartest person in the school and if anybody would know how to fix our little problem, it would be her. Within a day of me describing our problem to her, she came back with the answer. I don't have to remind you that you seem pretty happy with the results. We've been using it daily since then after all," he reminded her. Cho bristled even more at being reminded that not only was a fourth year student considered smarter than her. It drove her mad that said girl was a Gryffindor to boot. Changing subjects, Cedric looked at Harry and asked, "Harry, have you figured out the clue from your egg yet?"</p>
<p>Harry shook his head no. "The thing only screeches at me when I open it," he admitted.</p>
<p>"Same thing happened to me until a teacher gave me a hint," Cedric confided. He put his arm around Harry's shoulder and guided him a few steps away from the group. "Originally, I was going to give you the same cryptic clue the teacher gave me about taking it to the prefects' bathroom on the fifth floor, but with Hermione's help for our problem, I decided to just come out tell you what to do with it. Place the egg under water and open it up. If you stick your head underwater as well, you can hear the clue," he explained. When he was done speaking, Cedric walked back to Cho and took her hand to lead her down to breakfast. As the couple stepped into a pool of sunlight coming in from one of the windows, the Hufflepuff champion glittered like a cheap stripper.</p>
<p>When Cedric and Cho were out of sight, the rest of the Marauders joined Harry. Harry looked questioningly at Hermione and asked, "What problem did you help Cedric and Cho with?"</p>
<p>"We all know Cho is a vampire groupie. Ever since the first task, she had been getting more and more irritable. I don't think she thought the whole transformation thing through. Cedric confirmed this when he confided in me that Cho was very disappointed when Cedric's penis was unable to rise from the dead as well," Hermione replied. "I found the answer to their problem in the book your parents had put together. Turns out all a vampire needs to satisfy their partner is a variation of the petrificus totalus spell - petrificus partialus," she explained. The twins looked confused while Neville just started to laugh.</p>
<p>"I don't get it," George admitted.</p>
<p>"When Hermione cast the petrificus totalus spell on me during our first year, my entire body was stiff as a board," Neville stated. "What would happen if you could focus that on one particular part of the body?" he asked, posing the question to the twins.</p>
<p>Fred was just an instant behind George when their eyes widen slightly in comprehension. "Oooooh," they said in unison.</p>
<p>Hermione nodded her head and took over the explanation. "Granted, the subject has to lay on their stomach in such a way that gravity pulls the penis into the right position prior to the spell being cast. Lily's notes even suggested tying some weights to the end of the penis to get it to lengthen like an erection, but she could never get James to let her try it on him," she explained. Like Lily, Hermione couldn't quite understand why the men in her life winced at the thought of tying weights to the end of the "wands". Minor discomforts had to be shouldered if scientific inquiry was to continue after all. With a shrug, Hermione led them to the Great Hall for breakfast while the male Marauders subconsciously held their hands in front of their groins.</p>
<p>Fleur picked at her breakfast and looked around the Great Hall for her quarry. She wanted to thank the Marauders for saving her life. One of the Marauders in particular was due a very personal thank you from her. Fleur chuckled to herself when she didn't see Harry and his merry band of vigilantes. She had managed to figure out who the Marauders were from simple observations. As a Veela, it was important to always be aware of her surroundings and as such she spent most of each meal in the Great Hall observing as many students as she could. The fact that all of the "smart" Ravenclaws she had asked had no idea of the identities of the Marauders just proved the continental saying, "Stupidity comes in three levels of increasing force: stupid, very stupid, and British Wizard stupid."</p>
<p>Harry and his friends had been the obvious choice for the new Marauders. That only left figuring out which magical animal was which. The forest guardian known as Groot had been the first Marauder Fleur had figured out the secret identity of. Prior to their introductory prank, Neville Longbottom had seemed constantly nervous and fidgeted during meals. After the prank, the Longbottom boy sat eerily still like a tree in the forest. When he did move, each of his movements had a definite purpose with an economy of motion usually not found in humans.</p>
<p>Velma's identity was the next one to fall in place. Fleur had always felt sorry for how the Ravenclaws treated one of their own. She knew what it felt like it to be ostracized for being different and had paid extra attention to how the third year student behaved. Luna Lovegood had switched from eating a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables to one that was almost exclusively meat. While Fade was also a carnivore, the way Luna tore into her rare steaks with unbridled glee had Fleur's money on her being the Vabbit. That left Hermione Granger as Fade the Cheshire Kneezle. This was confirmed when Fleur noticed Hermione's slight clumsiness had been replaced with a cat like grace.</p>
<p>That left only Scorch the Dragon and the Janus the Chaos Monkey. Fleur hadn't needed to see the white lightning bolt scales on the magnificent dragon in the forest to figure out Harry was Scorch. The way Harry slowly scanned around the Great Hall was way too similar to how a dragon sits on their mountaintop and looks over their territory for any signs of a threat for him to be anything else.</p>
<p>Fleur had to hand it to the Marauders for their choice of names for the pair of Chaos Monkeys, Janus. Most of Hogwarts would be looking for one person since they didn't realize the name clearly indicated two beings. With the Veela hailing from the Mediterranean area, Fleur was very familiar with the Roman gods and knew all about the binary nature of Janus. As creatures with two forms themselves, Janus (or Ianos as he was known in the Greek pantheon) was revered by the Veela, second only to Aphrodite. Fleur whispered a quick prayer to both deities when the Marauders walked into the Great Hall.</p>
<p>The Marauders came to a stop when Fleur got up from the Ravenclaw table and moved to intercept them. When she stood in front of them, Harry bowed and spoke in halting French, "Good morning, my fellow Champion." After a moment he added with a grin, "Please tell me I just said 'Good morning' and not for you to go stick your elbow in a jar of marmalade. I had Hermione teach me how to greet you, but I'm afraid her sense of humour has become as questionable as mine."</p>
<p>Fleur laughed and returned the bow with an elegant curtsy. She turned to look at Hermione and winked at her. "I think it would do no good to tell him what he said. Boys should be forced to find out things like that on their own. It's the only way they'll learn," she told her. The Marauders, including Harry, chuckled at his expense. "I wanted to thank you all for keeping me from being hurt during that 'Quidditch scrimage' the other night," she said loudly, using the term she had heard Madame Pomfrey use to explain away Fred Weasley's back injury. She leaned forward and whispered, "I would like to have a private word with the Janus who nearly sacrificed his life to save mine."</p>
<p>Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Luna walked off to take their places at the Gryffindor table near Angelina Johnson. For a moment, George thought about pulling their usual name game, but decided against it. He gave his brother an affectionate slap on his good shoulder before he took the seat next to Angelina.</p>
<p>Fleur smiled at her personal hero. "So which of the 'Twin Clown Princes of Hogwarts' are you?" she asked playfully.</p>
<p>"I'm the smart one, the guy over there is the good looking one," Fred replied teasingly. When Fleur rolled her eyes he added quickly, "I'm Fred Weasely, it's a pleasure to meet you under better conditions, Ms. Delacour."</p>
<p>"Please, call me Fleur. It would seem rather formal to call me Ms. Delacour after I've kissed you," she whispered.</p>
<p>"Wait… what did you say?!" Fred asked, clearly confused.</p>
<p>Instead of giving him a verbal response, Fleur grabbed the front of his robes and gave him a kiss so passionate, it brought conversations around the House and staff tables to a standstill. The kiss only broke when both participants had to stop for air. Fleur couldn't keep the huge smile off of her face. She already knew Fred was handsome, funny, and brave to a fault, but now her magic confirmed that he would be the perfect match for her. He was also a great kisser.</p>
<p>"That's what I thought you said," Fred joked while blinking away his surprise.</p>
<p>"Monsieur Fred Weasley, would you do me the honor of being my escort for the Yule Ball?" Fleur inquired as she slid her right hand into his left hand.</p>
<p>Fred held up a finger on his other hand in a gesture of asking for her to pause for a moment. "Just a tick, let me check with my social secretary," he requested. "Oi, George! Am I free for the Yule ball?" he yelled loudly across the room.</p>
<p>George stood up, grinning from ear to ear for his brother. "Considering you didn't have the stones to ask any other girl yet, and the most beautiful girl in the school already said she'd be my date, yeah, you're free," he yelled back.</p>
<p>As George sat back down, those near her could hear Angelina mutter happily under her breath, "Someone's getting lucky soon."</p>
<p>Fred shrugged his shoulders as if conceding a point and then looked back at Fleur. The look in his eyes said he was ecstatic that she had asked him. "Yes, Fleur, I would love to be your escort for whatever event you may ask," he said without his usual playfulness. This caused several students and half of the staff to do a double take at the sincerity in his voice. He leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "Just do me a favor. Please don't use your allure on me. I want to get to know the real Fleur Delacour - the girl who stood up to a dozen Death Eaters."</p>
<p>Fleur's heart nearly skipped a beat. She had purposefully dialed her allure down as far as she could because she wanted to see what Fred would say without it influencing him. He had just confirmed what her magic had told her. Fred was interested in her, not her Veela allure.</p>
<p>Fleur's good mood was threatened when Rodger Davies jumped up from his seat near the head of the Ravenclaw table. "You said you would go with ME to the ball!" he screamed, causing Professor Flitwick to bury his face in his hands.</p>
<p>Fleur turned to look at Rodger without letting go of Fred's hand. "Non, Monsieur Davies! I said I would think about it. Well, I have thought about it. I have made my choice and I choose Fred Weasley!" Fleur snarled, emphasizing the last sentence.</p>
<p>Hermione spit out her pumpkin juice when Fleur made that statement in such a particular way. Seeing Madame Maxime was also having trouble swallowing showed that the half-giantess had picked up on the wording as well. After the Quidditch World Cup, Hermione had researched Veela and the effects they had on men. One of the books she was able to get her hands on was written by a Veela that spoke of their customs and traditions, specifically their mating rituals. [I wonder if I should tell Fred that Fleur just declared she had chosen him as her life mate? Nah… it will be more fun to watch this play out if I don't say anything,] she mused.</p>
<p>"Sorry, the juice went down the wrong way," Hermione said as she used her napkin to wipe up the mess she made. While she was wiping, Hermione gave Harry a look that said she would explain later.</p>
<p>Fleur held her head high and turned her back on Rodger. "Fred, do you think your friends would mind if another person joined you for meals?" she inquired loudly.</p>
<p>The Marauders looked at each other and then leaned over the table as if they were in a heated discussion. When they were done, the Marauders (plus Angelina) stood up, bowed, and pointed to a place setting that had materialized between where Neville and Fred usually sat.</p>
<p>"I think I will take them up on their invitation," Fleur giggled.</p>
<p>"You can't sit there! That's the Gryffindor table. You have to sit where the school assigned you… with Ravenclaw… next to me! That's the rules!" Rodger shouted, his face turning red with rage.</p>
<p>Fleur pointed at Luna. "Obviously zat is not ze rules. Mademoiselle Lovegood sits with ze Gryffindors and she iz a Ravenclaw," she pointed out, her anger causing her accent to thicken dramtically.</p>
<p>Cho stood up and sneered at Luna. "She's not a real Ravenclaw. Ravenclaws are supposed to be chosen for their wit and intellect. Loony over there has neither," she spat. After a moment, Cho added viciously, "On second thought, maybe you should sit over there. You're a Veela. With those enormous eyes, Luna is obviously part House Elf. Mongrels like you two should be kept apart from the better stock." The rest of the Ravenclaws (including the first years who were just imitating their older housemates) nodded their heads in agreement.</p>
<p>Without standing up, Luna yelled back, "Sadly, I am not related to the House Elves. They are a truly wondrous and noble species, and I would boast of it if I were their kin." While she truly believed this, it never hurt to let the invisible House Elves roaming the Great Hall know where their allies sat. For her part, Cho just snorted in disgust and sat back down.</p>
<p>Professor Flitwick jumped onto the staff table to berate Cho and Rodger, at least that was his plan until he made eye contact with Harry. The look Harry gave the small professor said that the Ravenclaws had crossed the line and the Marauders were going to put them in their place. Flitwick thought about things for a moment and then gave a small bow to Harry to cede the administration of justice to the Marauders before taking his seat again. Once he was seated, Flitwick turned his face to look at Fleur who gave him a short nod to let him know she picked up on the byplay between Harry and him. Her feral smile showed that she approved of his decision to let the Marauders handle things. Flitwick made a mental note to talk to Madame Maxime later to make sure she knew the horrible behavior of his Ravenclaws was not going to go unpunished. If anything, their eventual punishment would be much more dramatic than anything the school charter would allow him do as a teacher.</p>
<p>Fleur sat down at the Gryffindor table between Fred and Neville to a chorus of warm greetings that were especially loud from the male population of the House. After she had taken a few bites of food, Hermione started chatting with her in fluent French. Seeing the smile this brought to Fleur's face, Fred vowed he would start taking language lessons as soon as possible.</p>
<p>"Fleur, I've done some research on Veela allure and how it's a combination of passive magic mixed with pheromones. However, I couldn't find anything written on how it affected animagus, especially ones with magical forms. I have a theory about how it might affect the male Marauders and was wondering if you would be game to help me test it out?" Hermione asked, confident that none of the other students around her could speak French.</p>
<p>Fleur cocked her head to the side as she thought about it. "I would be happy to assist you, Fade. Just promise me you and Velma won't get angry with me if Scorch and Groot act stupid while under my allure's influence," Fleur stated.</p>
<p>"I think I've come to the same conclusion as Fade and promise we won't be upset," Luna said in French, startling Fleur and Hermione.</p>
<p>"I trust you and have to admit I'm curious as well. What would you like me to do?" Fleur inquired.</p>
<p>"In a moment, I would like you to start raising your allure and we'll observe how the boys react," Hermione suggested. Fleur nodded and counted to twenty in her head before she closed her eyes and slowly raised the level of her allure up to what she thought of as the maximum safe level.</p>
<p>Harry was the first to show any sign that something had changed, but his response was not something Fleur had ever encountered before. Instead of focusing all of his attention on her, Harry had a distracted look on his face as he glanced around the table with a slight frown. The twins both had somewhat pleased smiles on their faces. George also ignored Fleur and leaned over to give Angelina a small kiss on the cheek. Most surprising was Neville seemed to have no reaction whatsoever.</p>
<p>With a raised eyebrow, Fleur looked over at Hermione. The French witch had never heard of any males having such limited reactions to a Veela's allure. Hermione nodded once and made a slight lifting motion with her hand. Fleur nodded back and pushed her allure to full strength. Up and down the Gryffindor table, young males were staring at Fleur with glassy eyed expressions. A few of them even had drool dribbling out the side of their mouths. The only young men who weren't completely entranced were the Marauders.</p>
<p>Harry looked around and even turned in his seat as if searching for something. Hermione put her hand on his shoulder. "Is everything okay, Harry?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Something smells really strange and I can't figure out what it is. It's not a bad smell, just a really strange one," Harry replied.</p>
<p>Fred and George both shifted in their seats to relieve some of the pressure in their trousers. "I don't smell anything strange, but I just had a sudden and unexplained Goblin uprising in my trousers," Fred admitted.</p>
<p>"Same here," George said, blushing slightly when Angelina smirked at him.</p>
<p>"How about you, Neville? Do you notice anything strange?" Hermione asked.</p>
<p>Neville shook his head no. "I don't smell anything and…" he started to say before Luna shot her hand down the front of his pants again. "Neville does not have an erection," Luna stated. After a moment she added, "Oh wait, he's starting to get one now."</p>
<p>"That's because you're holding my wand, Dear," Neville pointed out.</p>
<p>Luna beamed a beautiful smile at Neville since he used a term of endearment for her. "Yes, I am," she agreed.</p>
<p>Several seconds passed before Neville stated, "Luna, you still have a hold of my penis."</p>
<p>Still smiling Luna replied, "Yes, I do. You're such an observant person." When Luna's hand still stayed down Neville's pants, Hermione gave her a dirty look. "Oh, pooh," Luna muttered as she let go of her new favorite toy and put both hands on the table.</p>
<p>Fleur closed her eyes and dialed her allure back down to the lowest level she could make it. Hermione smiled and said, "Thank you, Fleur. That went almost exactly like I had hypothesized it would."</p>
<p>"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.</p>
<p>Hermione snuck her wand out of her pocket and cast a muffling spell around them. "I hypothesized that our magical animagus forms have caused a greater shift in our physiology than a normal animagus form would. The fact that your animagus forms are extremely magical animals should affect how you four reacted to a Veela's allure. I was right and your reactions were exactly what I expected them to be based off of the class of animals your forms fit into," she lectured.</p>
<p>"English please, Hermione," George requested.</p>
<p>Hermione frowned at him. "Veela allure only works on humans, otherwise they would have to stay away from all male animals. As simians, Janus is the closest relation to humans. That's why you both experienced spontaneous erections," she explained. "As a reptile, Scorch could detect the pheromones, but it didn't have any effect on him. Groot is… well, Groot. His biology is so different, no amount of Veela allure would ever register with him," she pointed out.</p>
<p>"Are you sure it's not because he's… how do you say it… bent?" Fleur inquired.</p>
<p>Neville banged his head on the table in frustration while Luna gave Fleur her usual dreamy smile. "By scientific experimentation, we have conclusively proven that Neville does indeed like girls," she assured Fleur to shared laughter amongst the Marauders.</p>
<p>When breakfast was over, Fred hopped off of his seat and offered his hand to Fleur to help her up. "Why thank you, Fred," she said with a smile. Once she was standing, she asked, "Do you have plans for the rest of the morning?"</p>
<p>Fred gave Fleur a crooked smile. "We've got detention with Professor McGonagall for a prank that we didn't think through fully," he told her. He squeezed her hand when she frowned in disappointment. "Our detention consists of her and Professor Flitwick trying to teach us to dance. If you're not busy, I sure could use a partner to help me learn," he suggested.</p>
<p>Fleur's frown evaporated while she let out an excited, "Oui! I would love to!"</p>
<p>**** Unexpected Animagus****</p>
<p>The Marauders, including their newest member, Fleur Delacour, flopped down onto the couches spaced around the walls of the Lair. They had offered to include Angelina in their merry band of misfits, but she had declined citing the need for plausible deniability if she ever wanted to captain their Quidditch team.</p>
<p>"Who knew three hours of dancing could be so exhausting?" Hermione moaned as Harry rubbed a cramp out of her calf.</p>
<p>"Who knew Flitwick and McGonagall had that much energy? Wood's all day training sessions are less exhausting than what they put us through," George added, rubbing his own tired feet. Fred nodded in agreement as he massaged Fleur's feet. He now suspected Oliver had been given instructions on how to exhaust a person from McGonagall when Wood was named captain.</p>
<p>"At least it wasn't all bad. We survived, learned a few new steps, and got a new Marauder out of the deal," Luna pointed out.</p>
<p>"But I am not an animagus," Fleur stated even though she was thrilled to be part of a group of friends that had such a wonderful sense of purpose.</p>
<p>"Neither was Moony, but they used the image of a Wolf for him when they left calling cards," Fred countered. "What type of animal should we use for Fleur?" he asked.</p>
<p>Luna sat up straighter and suggested, "How about an eagle? Her other form as a Veela is part bird of prey." The other Marauders nodded in agreement. "We can call her…" she started to say.</p>
<p>"NO!" the Marauders yelled in unison, cutting Luna off.</p>
<p>"I didn't even get to say the perfect name I came up," Luna pouted. Her frown finally went away after Neville tickled her until she smiled.</p>
<p>Hermione shook her head. "We all love you, Luna, but you aren't allowed to give out nicknames," she reminded her friend. "How about we call her Valkyrie?" she suggested.</p>
<p>The boys in the room nodded their heads. "After watching her fight, I think it's a good name. Valkyrie it is," Harry chimed in. "Now we need to decide what we're going to do to the Ravenclaws. Flitwick pulled me aside during our dance lessons to tell me he supported us. He also said that if we get caught, we will be serving extra detentions with him while we go over what we could do better next time," he informed the group.</p>
<p>George pulled the Marauders' notebook out of his book bag. He tapped his wand on the cover and recited, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" When the letters on the pages rearranged themselves so they would make sense, he started flipping through the pages for ideas. "How about the prank on page number 42? It's supposed to be the answer for everything," he offered.</p>
<p>Fred shook his head. "No, it requires too much deep thought for my tastes," he replied. He took the notebook from his brother's hands and flipped through the pages himself. "Too bad the theoretical one on page 87 takes so much work. The old Marauders never had enough time to test it out. It would be the perfect way to humiliate the Claws and entertain the rest of the Great Hall at the same time. If only we had a house elf to help us," he complained. The room became silent as everyone but Fleur turned to look at Harry.</p>
<p>"I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask him," Harry said hesitantly. He remembered how Dobby had "helped" him during his second year and again when he was spewing fire from his backside in the Forbidden Forest. Feeling somewhat foolish, Harry called out into the thin air, "Dobby, I could use your help."</p>
<p>Dobby appeared in a flash of light, hastily tying his gold curtain braid around his red silk pillowcase. Not sure how he knew, Harry had the feeling that the pillowcase his odd friend was wearing had been put on backwards. "Thank the source of magic! The great Harry Potter has a chore for Dobby," Dobby sighed happily as he nearly collapsed in front of Harry. The only reason he wasn't lying down was that he had both arms wrapped around Harry's legs while he rested his large head on Harry's knees.</p>
<p>Harry frowned when he saw how exhausted Dobby looked. "Dobby, are you feeling alright?" he asked, truly worried for his friend.</p>
<p>"Harry Potter truly is a great wizard to ask about his Dobby. Harry Potter has not given Dobby enough to do lately, so Dobby has been seeing to the needs of the other House Elves in the Comes and Goes room- many, many times a day," Dobby explained.</p>
<p>Fred shook his head in admiration. "Look at that, our little Dobby is a man-slut," he praised.</p>
<p>Hermione glared at Fred. "Technically he would be an elf-slut, but I don't think that's what he meant," she chided him.</p>
<p>Dobby let out a wry chuckle. "No, future Missus Potter, Harry Potter's red haired friend is right. The female House Elves have been seeking out poor, tired Dobby. Since Dobby has no other chores, it's being a House Elf's duty to help other House Elves. Theys has been more stressed out than usual today," he confirmed.</p>
<p>"Sorry I brought it up," Hermione muttered. "Dobby, the reason why Harry called for you is to ask for your help in a prank against the Ravenclaws, minus Luna of course," she stated.</p>
<p>Dobby cocked his head to the side, his long ear almost touching the ground. "The Snakies I understand, but why the stuck up Birdies?" he asked.</p>
<p>"This would be easier if I had brought the Potter Family pensive back with us," Harry complained.</p>
<p>"Why does yous need a pensive, Harry Potter?" Dobby inquired.</p>
<p>"I figured it would be easier to show you my memory than try to explain everything," Harry said. Dobby rolled his huge eyes and reached up one tiny hand and touched Harry's forehead. Harry experienced a flash as if the memory had been played back at super high speed. When it was over, Harry saw Dobby had balled up his other fist in anger.</p>
<p>"Dobby will always do what the great Harry Potter asks with joy, but this time Dobby will take extra pleasure in helping," Dobby informed his master.</p>
<p>Fred and George smiled at each other and motioned for Dobby to come over to their couch. Dobby managed to walk over to them with an slow, bow legged walk. Even though he was a bit chaffed, Dobby thought he was doing pretty well all things considered. Fred opened up the Marauders' notebook and showed the page they were thinking of. Dobby read the page, looked up at Fred, and wiped a tear from his huge eye. "That is beautiful, Harry Potter's real Weasley friends," he told them. With a hopeful look, he begged, "Can Dobby pick out the sheet music, please?"</p>
<p>George patted Dobby on the back. "Of course you can. Our only request is it be something seasonal," he replied.</p>
<p>Dobby nodded so fast his big ears flapped in the wind. "Dobby has just the song in mind," he stated happily.</p>
<p>***Unexpected Animagus***</p>
<p>Students came down to breakfast the next day to find an entertaining diversion had been cast on the magical ceiling. Instead of showing the students and faculty the sky above them, it showed an animated representation of a ski resort. Cartoon versions of the New Marauders wearing Hogwarts jerseys were their names on them frolicked and enjoyed various winter sports. Scorch was making people laugh with his horribly uncoordinated attempt at skiing, while Fade gracefully slid around his legs on a kneazle sized snowboard. Janus and Velma sledded down the mountain on the back of Groot. A new member of the group, a beautiful white eagle wearing a jersey that proclaimed her as "Valkyrie" performed airborne stunts after launching off of the ridiculously high ski jump. Students and faculty alike chuckled as they let themselves be entertained by the cartoons above them not knowing the cartoon was a way to keep anyone from looking at things around them.</p>
<p>The four House tables were decorated to go along with the cheery winter theme. Cute marshmallow snowmen, who waved a happy greeting to the students, were placed every three feet along the center of the tables. Large paper snowflakes served as placemats for each of the students. No one suspected that the placemats at the Ravenclaw table had very intricate and detailed runes drawn on them in invisible ink using a pen Hermione had picked up in a Muggle gift shop. They also had no idea the snowmen on the Ravenclaw table each housed special crystals in their gooey white centers.</p>
<p>When breakfast started to wind down, Professor Flitwick felt the hem of his robe get tugged on slightly. He turned around and saw the eccentric House Elf who had attached himself to Harry Potter's service. Dobby handed him a note and smiled before disappearing. Flitwick read the note and sighed in relief. He had been wondering when the Marauders would get around to punishing his wayward Ravenclaws. Now he knew the time was at hand and they were asking for his help. Glad to play even this small part in teaching his students a bit of humility, he climbed down from his chair and made his way to the podium in front of the staff table. With a flick of her wrist, Professor McGonagall conjured a set of steps so her old friend could be seen behind the podium.</p>
<p>"Good morning students," Flitwick called out with a smile as he looked around at the assembled students from three magical schools. "I have just been informed that my Ravenclaws have put together a little musical number to entertain us as we celebrate this wonderful yule season," he announced. The Ravenclaw students looked around at each other in confusion, having no idea about what he was talking about. "So without ado, I will let Cho Chang and Rodger Davies take things from here," he said. The use of those exact words triggered the compulsion charms woven into the runes on the Ravenclaws' placemats.</p>
<p>The magic took over and Rodger and Cho found themselves standing up and each facing one side of the Ravenclaw table. They pulled out their wands and held them ready like musical conductors, which they were in fact being compelled to perform the duties of. In unison, Rodger and Cho began waving their wands to let their housemates know what the tempo was going to be.</p>
<p>With a flourish, Rodger and Cho pointed their wands at a pair of students who rose and let out farts in the same tone. With that, they began a handbell style flatulence rendition of "The Nutcracker - March of the Toy Soldiers" with each "note" being performed by the expelled gas of two students. Certain chords of the song had enough students passing gas that students at the nearby tables found themselves gagging and their eyes burning. During the fast part of the song, some of the Ravenclaws barely had time to sit down before they had to stand again and break wind. For the final note of the song, Rodger and Cho bent over at the waist and let loose a pair of huge farts that were far too wet sounding to be merely gas. Students who weren't using their hands to hold their noses gave the Ravenclaws a rousing round of applause. The applause caused the compulsion charms to end. Rodger and Cho continued to stand since they didn't want to sit down with their underwear full of a substance just as awful as their behaviors had been the day before.</p>
<p>Professor Dumbledore stood and clapped enthusiastically all the way up to the podium. "25 points to Ravenclaw for entertaining us with a truly impressive flatulence choir, the likes of which hasn't graced this Great Hall since my fifth year as a student. I'm especially impressed since we only managed to perform 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. Your performance of Tchaikovsky's wonderful song was perfect with the only flaw in your performance being that regrettable last note," he told the students. Dumbledore paused and glanced over the top of his spectacles to look first Rodger and then Cho in the eyes. "I feel I should tell you from my own experience that farts are just like love. If you have to force it, you'll probably just end up with shit," he said, his blue eyes twinkling in mischief.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Chapter 9</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Fleur finished her homework, and hurried to the building the residents of Hogwarts referred to as Greenhouse 8. Unlike her school, where Herbology was taught in one huge greenhouse, the British school had a greenhouse assigned for each year of its students, with an eighth one being reserved for those students truly gifted in Herbology who wanted to do independent study. In other words, her new friend Neville had a greenhouse all to himself.</p>
      <p>When she reached Greenhouse 8, Fleur found the rest of the Marauders hard at work on their Herbology homework. As soon as she joined them, she started thinking of them by their Marauder names. The two Janus were working in one garden bed on the left, while Scorch, Fade, and Velma worked together at a waist high table full of drawers in the middle of the greenhouse. Groot was in his Ent form at the back of the greenhouse. He had roots spreading out to interact with four other garden beds.</p>
      <p>An ancient Herbology text that Professor Sprout had loaned to Neville mentioned that Ents were able to mimic and duplicate the effects of any plant they had studied. As always when it came to Herbology, Neville was a quick learner. Copies of the plants found in the beds along the back wall were slowing starting to form on the exposed roots section of the Forest Guardian. A deep voice reverberated from the tree like giant, startling Fleur. She had never actually heard Groot say anything other than "I am Groot."</p>
      <p>"Hey Scorch, before I forget, Professor Sprout wanted me to thank you again for the huge load of fertilizer you donated the other day," Groot said.</p>
      <p>"No problem, Groot. It's not like it cost me anything," Harry replied with a shrug of his shoulders.</p>
      <p>"Still, Dragon dung is pretty expensive, and getting it free has really loosened up her budget to purchase more exotic plants," Groot stated.</p>
      <p>George and Fred looked down at the new "fertilizer" they had been mixing into the soil. "Are you telling us we've been playing around in Harry poop all afternoon?" Fred demanded, turning a little green. Neville nodded his huge wooden head.</p>
      <p>"That…" George started to say.</p>
      <p>"..is so…" Fred added.</p>
      <p>"...wrong!" George finished. Both twins stepped away from the garden bed shaking the dirt / manure mixture off of their gloves.</p>
      <p>Hermione sighed and gave the twins one of her patented disapproving looks. "Honestly Jani, you two have been using Dragon dung since your second year. Why are so freaked out about it now?" she inquired.</p>
      <p>"Back then, we didn't know the bloke it came out of," Fred insisted.</p>
      <p>Fleur chuckled and walked up to Fred to kiss him on the cheek. "Pardon me, Fade, but you called the twins Jani. What does that mean?" she asked, knowing full well what it meant, but she wanted to tweak her boyfriend's nose a bit in fun.</p>
      <p>"Well, since 'ani' is one of the possible plural forms of 'anus', it just stands to reason that the pair of them would be called something similar," Hermione responded with a wink at Fleur.</p>
      <p>George shook his head in frustration, he had also turned a bit green at the thought of playing in Harry poop. "Can we please talk about something other than poop and butts?" he asked, causing the rest of the Marauders to laugh.</p>
      <p>Granting his request, Hermione looked at Luna. "Velma, I've noticed you refer to Scorch as being an 'Elder Dragon'. I've looked through Scalesniffer's guide cover to cover, and couldn't find any mention of an Elder Dragon. In fact, the guide failed to provide any description of a dragon with feathers instead of bat wings at all," she stated. Harry finished repotting the small plant he was working on, and turned to face Velma. He was understandably just as curious as Fade was regarding what he was.</p>
      <p>Luna gave Hermione a gentle smile. "Of course you couldn't find anything there. Scalesniffer only did his studies around 700 years ago. The Elder Dragons are extremely rare. The last sighting of an Elder Dragon was almost a 1,000 years ago during the reign of Arthur Pendragon," she stated.</p>
      <p>"Exactly how rare are we talking about?" Hermione inquired.</p>
      <p>"There have only been three Elder Dragons in all of history, and two of them have been animagus - Harry and Myrddin Emrys (or Merlin Dragonspawn as he was known to the English)," Luna replied.</p>
      <p>Hermione frowned. Even though she was coming to be more accepting of Luna's strange knowledge base, it still bothered her when she couldn't look up something herself. "How did you learn about this?" she asked.</p>
      <p>"One of my ancestors was Myrddin's scribe, and accompanied Myrddin when he went to the the Dragon elders to learn about his draconic side. The Dragons told Myrddin about their history, as well as the story about how they came into being," Luna replied. Everyone but Groot stepped closer to hear more of Luna's story. For his part, Groot just leaned forward, and positioned his head over his girlfriend.</p>
      <p>"Who was the other Elder Dragon- the real one?" Harry asked.</p>
      <p>Luna paused as she collected her thoughts. It was a very new experience for her to have people take her stories seriously. "The first thing you need to know is that we live in the Fourth Age - the Age of Man. During the First Age, long before there were any mammals on our planet, the world was populated by Dragons. These were not just the Dragons we know of today, but all different types of Dragons - some with wings, some without, some who lived on land, and some who roamed the seas. The Muggles call them dinosaurs I think," she explained.</p>
      <p>"The Earth was ruled by a pair of Dragons - a 13 headed dragon named Tiamat and her husband, the Elder Dragon. Tiamat was in charge of the sea and land, with each head being responsible for a certain niche. The Elder Dragon's domain was the sky above. Out of all of Tiamat's heads, there was only one who did not love their husband. The head in charge of the beasts that lived below ground grew jealous of the Elder Dragon's wings, and wanted to rule the sky herself. Eventually, her jealousy consumed her, and she tricked the Elder Dragon into going into a cavern without his usual honor guard of seven Great Eagles. Once inside the cavern, the jealous head's enforcers killed her husband, flooding the cavern floor in his blood," Luna told them. Without thinking about it, Hermione took Harry's hand in hers to reassure her that <em>her</em> Elder Dragon was still alright.</p>
      <p>Luna went on with her story. "The other heads searched high and low for their husband, but couldn't find any sign of him. Eventually, one of the cave dwellers admitted to the other heads what they had done. Not believing that one of their own heads could devise such a heinous crime, Tiamat went to the cavern to see for herself. She went into the cave accompanied by her husband's honor guard. When they saw the Elder Dragon lying dead on the cavern floor, Tiamat's other heads became so enraged, they bit off the neck that held their traitorous head. The neck and head landed in a pool of the Elder Dragon's blood. His magic combined with hers in a flash of green light. The severed head and neck turned into the very first Basilisk, a creature so foul, it takes numerous unnatural acts to create a new one. The first Basilisk slithered deeper into the cavern before the Great Eagles could catch her," she stated.</p>
      <p>"Overcome with grief, the seven Great Eagles each took hold of a part of the Elder Dragon, and flew him out of the cavern. Wanting to give him a proper burial, they flew to a gigantic volcano where the Gulf of Mexico is now. For the entire flight, the Great Eagles wept for the loss of their beloved leader. When they reached the volcano, the Great Eagles decided to follow their oaths of service to the Elder Dragon to the very end. They refused to let go of the Elder Dragon as they dove into the mouth of the volcano. The combination of the that much magic interacting with the largest volcano on Earth caused an explosion that wiped out almost all of Dragonkind, ending the First Age. The release of the Elder Dragon's magic also had an unexpected effect on the Great Eagle Honor Guard. Before they died, his magic melded with theirs in the presence of the Spirit of Fire itself. Where seven Great Eagles died, seven Phoenixes rose up from their ashes," Luna explained.</p>
      <p>Harry was so entranced with Luna's story, he wasn't paying attention to where his free hand was. He leaned forward, and accidentally knocked a small trowel off the table top. As both Harry and Hermione bent over to pick up the trowel, they heard the door to the greenhouse slam open. Before either of them could stand up to see who had come in, they found themselves pinned to the ground by a mass of Groot's roots. Two of the roots slithered up to cover Hermione and Harry's mouths in a sign that they should stay quiet. Trusting Neville completely, Harry and Hermione nodded their heads. The two roots moved away from their mouths, but the rest stayed where they were to keep the couple from moving.</p>
      <p>Ron Weasley threw open the greenhouse house door and stormed inside. He glanced around at the plants, desks, and large tree in the back before sighing in disgust. George met Fred's eyes and his twin nodded his head slightly. "Can we help you, Ron?" George asked neutrally.</p>
      <p>"Yeah, I'm looking for Hermione. Have you guys seen her?" Ron replied looking at Fred and George. He made a point of not looking at "Loony" Lovegood. Instead, he let his eyes linger on Fleur like he was sizing up a piece of meat.</p>
      <p>"Why are you looking for Hermione?" Fred inquired, distracting Ron.</p>
      <p>Ron smiled and puffed out his chest. "I decided that I would let her go to the Yule Ball me," he boasted.</p>
      <p>Fleur frowned at Ron's choice of words. "What do you mean 'let her' go to the ball with you?" she asked sharply.</p>
      <p>Creasing his brows in confusion, Ron replied. "It's Hermione we're talking about. It's not like anyone else would have asked her to the ball all ready. I figured I would do my duty as a friend and take her, so she doesn't have to suffer the embarrassment of going stag," he explained.</p>
      <p>"As her <em>friend</em>, I would have thought you would have known she is going to the ball with Harry," Fleur pointed out.</p>
      <p>Ron still looked confused. "Why would she do that?" he asked.</p>
      <p>George shook his head in disappointment at his brother. "Probably has something to do with the fact that she and Harry are dating," he stated.</p>
      <p>"WHAT?!" Ron bellowed, and then caught himself. After a moment he smiled, and pointed at George. "Good one, Fred. You really had me going there. Hermione is way too smart to date a cheating, glory hound like Harry. Not to mention that the Slytherin in Gryffindor clothing has so many groupies, he has a lot better choices than some buck toothed, bossy bookworm," he argued.</p>
      <p>Fred and George both ground their teeth in anger. Part of them wanted to beat their backstabbing brother to within an inch of his life. The rest of them was happy Groot had Harry restrained so they wouldn't have to explain to their parents that their youngest son had "disappeared".</p>
      <p>Fleur stepped in between George and Ron, while she squeezed her boyfriend's hand to keep either of them from throttling their brother. "I think you should leave now, Ronald," she warned.</p>
      <p>Ron just rolled his eyes, and decided to stay just to spite the French tramp. "I'll leave when I feel like it, not when some foreign tart tells me to," he spat back.</p>
      <p>Luna fought a tremendous battle within herself. Velma wanted desperately to tear this red headed ponce apart, but Luna knew that murdering someone (even one as deserving as Ron) would probably get her expelled, and then she couldn't see her friends as regularly as she did now. She stomped on one of Groot's roots when she saw a large branch slowly shifting to be right above Ron's head. It would do her no good if her boyfriend was expelled for murder either. Eventually, Luna figured out a foolproof way of getting rid of Ron. "He's right, Fleur, we can't just throw him out," she told her new friend. Luna shifted to look at Ron. "Ronnie, you're more than welcome to stay and join in our study group. We were going to spend the next two hours quizzing each other on Herbology terms," she lied.</p>
      <p>Ron suddenly looked panicked. "Um… no, thanks. I have better things to do," he blurted out before racing out of the greenhouse.</p>
      <p>Groot listened to the Earth, and when he was sure Ron was far away, he shifted form back to Neville again. Harry and Hermione stood up once Groot's roots disappeared. Both had their jaws clenched in anger over what Ron had said about the other. Suddenly, Harry's face relaxed and he gave a Hermione a feral grin as a prank sprang fully formed into his mind. Like the twins, he had read the Marauder notebook cover to cover, and now knew how to put one of Moony's failed experiments to good use.</p>
      <p>Remus Lupin had been working on creating a pocket universe that was tied to a witch or wizard, instead of a rune stone like a wizard's tent. His hope was that he could come up with a way to transport just about anything without having to worry about how much it weighed. Remus had been able to create a pocket universe easily, but was never able to figure out how to keep the blasted thing from randomly dropping what was stored inside before snatching it back up a second later.</p>
      <p>"Fade, I need you to go get your arithmancy books. Velma, go get your rune etcher. Janus, give the notebook to Valkyrie, and then get me something of Ron's - hair, toenail clippings, whatever. Valkyrie, I need you gather the supplies listed on page 113 of the notebook. Meet me in the Lair in one hour," Scorch ordered.</p>
      <p>"What about me?" Neville asked.</p>
      <p>"Grab that garden rake and follow me," Harry replied with a wink.</p>
      <p>Professor McGonagall shared a worried look with her friend, Filius Flitwick, as they sat down for the dinner meal in the Great Hall. Earlier that afternoon, McGonagall had found a vial with a pensive memory in it on her desk. The cork was scorched around the edges and claw marks in the distinctive pattern of a feline were scratched on the glass. Taking advantage of one of Professor Dumbledore's numerous absences from the castle, Flitwick and McGonagall used the pensive in his office to view the stored memory. The memory was of Ronald Weasley's horrible behavior during the past school year and culminating in an truly ugly display in Greenhouse 8. The marking on the outside of the vial were a clear indication that the Marauders would be handling things.</p>
      <p>Eventually McGonagall convinced herself the Marauders were good people after all, and she probably wouldn't have to write a letter to the Weasley parents explaining how their youngest son met a grisly end. At least that's what she hoped when Harry and friends strolled casually into the Great Hall. Harry spared Ron a quick glance and then met McGonagall's eyes. A quick wink was told the Head of Gryffindor house that the evening meal was going to be anything but boring.</p>
      <p>Once the new Marauders were in their seats, all four of the House ghosts rose solemnly up from the floor, and took positions at the head of the four tables. Each of the ghosts had agreed to participate in the prank for their own reasons. The Bloody Baron appreciated the brutal nature of what was to occur this evening. The Fat Friar was still seething that any student at Hogwarts could betray his two supposedly best friends the way the Ronald Weasley had. The Gray Lady was impressed with the technical aspects of the prank, and happily went along with it. As for Sir Nicholas, he had taken a dislike to the redheaded berk during Harry's first opening feast, and had only grown to dislike him even more with each betrayal of Harry and Hermione.</p>
      <p>Dumbledore stood and addressed his dead members of the four houses. "Not that you are ever unwelcome here, but what do we owe the honor of having all four of you together when it isn't one of the special feasts?" he inquired.</p>
      <p>The Bloody Baron floated a few feet towards Dumbledore and then stopped. Of all of the ghosts, he had the least problem lying to the Headmaster. "Come now, Albus. I know you want to protect theses young minds from fear, but they deserve to know what this evening is, and what might happen to them," he replied. "Tonight is the 500th anniversary of the betrayal and murder of the old tenant farmer, Hamish McDonald by his best friend, Ethan Irving," the Bloody Baron added.</p>
      <p>Professor Dumbledore's confused look was the Gray Lady's cue. "Surely you have read Hogwarts: A History, Headmaster," she chided, choosing her words so that she could say she never lied to Dumbledore.</p>
      <p>Dumbledore looked embarrassed as he stroked his long, white beard. "Yes… um… that is… I have read parts of it, but I might have skipped over some things," he admitted.</p>
      <p>Sir Nicholas nodded in understanding. "It would be easy to miss the paragraph about old McDonald's murder. I only remember the passage because of his chilling last words as he greeted his friend twice before he was betrayed, and found a dagger stuck in his back. You see, the friends had long ago fallen into the habit of referring to themselves by their initials, instead of their names. Old McDonald's last words were, 'E.I., E.I., ..ooooooh'," he stated. The obvious clue let the muggle born students know what they were witnessing was a prank, and they should relax and enjoy the show.</p>
      <p>The Bloody Baron continued the narrative of the betrayed farmer. "While old McDonald's magic abilities were barely above a squib, he still had enough power to enact a Wizard's Curse. He vowed that he would spend his afterlife avenging those who had been betrayed as badly as he was. Since McDonald wasn't very powerful, the first time he could manifest after being murdered is tonight," he explained. The Bloody Baron smirked as he thought about how many of his little snakes must be pissing their pants about now. When he turned to look along the table, he noticed several of the Durmstrang students looked uneasy as well.</p>
      <p>Peeves spent the time the Baron was speaking trying out the temporary boost to his invisibility powers the new Marauders gave him. Since Dumbledore didn't react to Peeves mooning him only a couple of inches from the old wizard's face, Peeves was certain the boost was working. He floated out of the Great Hall, and picked up the heavily enchanted garden rake they had hid in a nearby alcove.</p>
      <p>With a psychic push, Peeves slammed open the doors to the Great Hall, and slowly floated back in, carrying the rake. "It would look as if your calculations are correct as usual, my lady," the Fat Friar said, also choosing his words so that no one could say he lied.</p>
      <p>Peeves slowly floated above the heads of each student, starting with the Slytherins and ending at the Gryffindor table. Several students involuntarily flinched when the rake was directly above them and would pause as if weighing their sins before moving on. When the rake finished floating above each student, it slowly drifted back over to float above the bright, red hair of the youngest Weasley male.</p>
      <p>A collective gasp was let out from the occupants of the Great Hall as the rake swung upwards and then downwards with enough force to crack a skull open. The rake halted six inches above Ron's head. After Ron let out a sigh of relief, the rake dipped down a bit to lightly tap him on the top of his head. The instant after it touched his hair, the rake disappeared as it was sucked into a pocket universe tied to Ronald Weasley.</p>
      <p>When nothing else happened, Dumbledore muttered, "Well, that was anti-climatic."</p>
      <p>Ron's cheeks quickly became the color of his hair when he realized the entire Great Hall was staring at him. Eventually, it became too much for him, and he jumped off the bench. He yelled, "What?! What are all you staring at? I'm a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin. I haven't betrayed anyone!" When people continued to stare at him, Ron threw his napkin down in disgust, and stormed towards the doors leading out of the Great Hall. He only made it halfway before the randomness of the pocket universe chose that moment to deposit the rake on the ground, right in front of him. Ron's right foot went down on the tines and the tines acted as a fulcrum. The handle shot upwards, and hit Ron square in the quaffles before vanishing back into the pocket universe.</p>
      <p>Tears slid down Ron's face as he held his injured groin and dropped to the floor. Madam Pomfrey quickly had her wand out, and was soon levitating the whimpering boy to the Hospital Wing for a testicular de-rupturing potion. As they left, the ghosts slowly faded away. Sir Nicholas gave Harry a cheeky wink right before he slipped through the floor.</p>
      <p>Professor Flitwick leaned over to whisper in his best friend's ear. "You know Minnie, I'm not sure if we should expel the new Marauders for causing intentional pain to another student, or give them each an award for outstanding service to the school by ensuring that young Mr. Weasley won't be reproducing," he stated. His gut was telling him that evening wasn't the only time the rake would be making a visit to Ron's groin.</p>
      <p>"My thoughts exactly. I suppose in the end it's a wash and the two sides even out," McGonagall replied before focusing on her meal again.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Unexpected Animagus</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Chapter 10</strong>
</p><p>Professor McGonagall sighed in mild frustration as her best friend, Professor Filius Flitwick, led her down the hall towards the classroom where she taught Transfiguration. Being the only ones in the hallway, McGonagall felt easy using the part-goblin's nickname. "Fil, the Yule Ball will be starting in a little over an hour. I want to be in the Gryffindor common room to see the look on the boys' faces when they see the girls make their grand entrances," she told him.</p><p>They had almost reached McGonagall's classroom when Flitwick laid a reassuring hand on her arm. "Trust me, Minnie, this won't take too long, and I promise you'll be glad you came with me," he said.</p><p>McGonagall gave Flitwick a sly smile, and undid the top button of her robe. "Oh, why didn't just say you wanted a quickie before the ball? We could have just used my quarters." she chided Flitwick in a husky voice.</p><p>Flitwick stopped with his hand on the doorknob. He turned to face McGonagall, and stood on his toes to redo her button. "While that does sound like a wonderful idea, and I'm kicking myself for not getting to you earlier so we could have time for a quickie, that's not why I brought you here," he explained. With an excited smile, he took her hand in his. "Do you trust me, Minnie?" he asked, knowing full well what her answer would be.</p><p>"You know I do, Fil. Both in this life, and the next one," McGonagall assured him.</p><p>"Good. Now close your eyes, and don't open them until I tell you too," Flitwick said. With his free hand, Flitwick opened the door to the Transfiguration classroom, and led McGonagall inside. "Alright, open your eyes now," he stated warmly.</p><p>After opening her eyes, McGonagall gasped and then covered her mouth in surprise. Standing in front of her were the Weasley twins, Neville Longbottom, and Harry Potter. All four boys were impeccably dressed in black Prince Charlie jackets and the green and red tartan kilts of the McGonagall clann. Each boy wore a leather sporran emblazoned with a golden lion. Swelling pride brought out the heavy brogue of McGonagall's childhood as she muttered, "My beautiful, bonnie lads."</p><p>After a moment, Professor McGonagall regained her composure and stepped forward to get a better look at her Gryffindor boys. Like a commanding general inspecting her troops, she walked in front of each them. After the inspection, she was satisfied that each of the boys was wearing their kit to traditional Highland standards. At least as far as she was willing to check, she had no desire to check to see if they were going "commando" or not. McGonagall turned to look at Flitwick. "I take it I have you to thank for this gift?" she asked.</p><p>Flitwick shrugged his shoulders. "Actually, all I did was instruct them on how to wear the clothes. The original idea came from Mr. Potter here," he admitted.</p><p>Feeling this was his cue, Harry stepped forward. "I got the idea while the Marauders were discussing whether or not to dress with a common theme for the Yule Ball. Hermione hit on the idea of wearing formal clothes from our cultural heritage, instead of traditional robes," he stated. "As soon as she said that, I knew I had to find a Highland kilt to represent Scotland. Hogwarts is my true home. Of course, once I decided to wear a kilt, there was only one tartan that would do. The tartan of the woman who has been more of a mother to me than anyone I can remember," Harry explained, his voice choking a bit at the last bit as tears formed in the corner of his eyes.</p><p>In a very rare move, McGonagall grabbed Harry and pulled him into a tight hug. Silent tears of love also flowed from her eyes. After a moment, McGonagall let go and took a step back.</p><p>George stepped up to tell the rest of the story. "Harry told us what he was planning, and the rest of thought it was a wonderful idea. We went to Professor Flitwick for advice on who to go to to get the kilts and jackets made since he has been your friend for such a long time," he explained. McGonagall looked over, and gave Flitwick a warm smile. She also gave him a discreet wink that promised much more after the ball was over.</p><p>"I made sure the boys - I'm sorry, young men - knew what wearing the McGonagall tartan to a formal event such as the Ministry sponsored Yule Ball would imply," Flitwick assured her. "When I told them that wearing the McGonagall tartan would be a very public declaration of an alliance between their Houses and Clan McGonagall, the lads looked quite confused," he chuckled. McGonagall raised her eyebrow in an unspoken question.</p><p>Neville stepped forward, and smiled shyly at McGonagall. "Harry told Professor Flitwick that he thought everyone already knew we would stand with you, no matter what may come," he said.</p><p>Again Professor McGonagall had to cover her mouth to help suppress a surge of raw emotion. When she had regained her normal (meaning very proper) countenance, McGonagall straightened her back, and squared her shoulders. "As the Matriarch of Clan McGonagall, I gladly reaffirm the oaths of alliance between Clan McGonagall and House Longbottom, House Potter, and Clan Weasley," she said formally. With a sigh, she relaxed her posture. "Now you lads come over her, and give this old woman a hug before you go meet up with your beautiful lasses," McGonagall ordered.</p><p>The boys happily complied, and caught up McGonagall in a rough group hug. When they were done, the boys started filing out of the room. McGonagall reached out, and lightly touched Harry's arm. "Just a moment of your time, Mr. Potter," she requested, her voice an odd mix of formality and warmth. Harry waited behind after the other boys left. "If you don't mind waiting for a few moments longer, there is something in my quarters that I need to get," she apologized.</p><p>Flitwick politely cleared his throat. When he had McGonagall's attention, he pulled out a small box made of polished ebony from one of the pockets of his formal robe. "I thought you might be wanting this, so I stopped by your quarters when you were teaching to grab it," Flitwick informed her.</p><p>"Thank you, Fil," McGonagall whispered, temporarily forgetting there was a student in the room. She took the offered box, and reverently opened it to reveal a small, silver knife in a sheath made of the same ebony as the box. "This was my brother's Sgian-dubh or hidden knife. He fought alongside other Highland wizards in the Queen's Wizarding Black Watch. He died in the battle that managed to pin Grindelwald down in the tower where Dumbledore finally defeated him," she explained. "Like me, my brother was close friends with your grandfather. I think Connor would be very honored if you would wear his Sgian-dubh tonight," she stated.</p><p>"I am the one who would be honored, Professor," Harry replied. McGonagall nodded her head, and slid the sheathed knife into the top of Harry's right stocking.</p><p>Knowing his long time friend was on the brink of tears again, Flitwick ordered, "Now off with you, Harry. There's a very special young witch waiting for you back in your common room!" Without saying anything else, Harry turned around and hurried out of the classroom.</p><p>Flitwick handed McGonagall a kerchief to dab her eyes. "You forgot the part about the fact that a non-McGonagall wearing the Clan leader's Sgian-Dubh is telling the world that as far as Clan McGonagall is concerned, that person is a McGonagall."</p><p>***Unexpected Animagus***</p><p>Harry joined the other male Marauders in the Gryffindor common room to wait for their girlfriends to make a grand entrance at the top of the stairs. The other students had already left so the Marauders and Angelina had the dorm to themselves. When Professors McGonagall and Flitwick joined them, Flitwick twirled his wrist and cast a spell that caused the sound of a drum roll to fill the common room. The drum roll was the signal to the girls that they were ready for their entrance.</p><p>Fleur and Angelina were the first to leave the girls' bathroom. The young women were wearing matching silver gowns made for them by Fleur's grandmother. The gowns were made from a sheer fabric that just barely managed to leave things to the observer's imagination, and yet still remain perfectly acceptable in polite society.</p><p>As the young women made their way down the stairs to their boyfriends, the Weasley twins couldn't pull their eyes away from how beautiful Fleur and Angelina looked. While still keeping his eyes locked on Fleur, Fred leaned over to George and whispered, "I've just realised what bloody brilliant blokes the Scotts are. If I were wearing trousers right now, I don't think I would be able walk."</p><p>George nodded his head in agreement. "I think 'sporran' must be Gaelic for 'boner concealment device'," he joked.</p><p>George's theory was debunked after Angelina gave him a kiss on the cheek, glanced down, and whispered in his ear, "Is that a wand in your sporran, or are you just happy to see me?"</p><p>"Yes," George replied both cheekily and truthfully.</p><p>The Weasley twins walked their girlfriends to the side of the common room as Neville took his place at the base of the stairs. Everyone heard the usually quiet and private boy let out a soft whistle of appreciation as Luna walked to the top of the stairs. While Fleur and Angelina had opted for floor length gowns, Luna's blue and white Alice in Wonderland dress stopped midway between her knees and cute tush. Instead of dress shoes, the quirky girl was wearing a pair of purple rain boots with little yellow duckies printed on them.</p><p>Fleur smirked as she watched Neville lick his lips which had suddenly gone dry like his mouth. He was staring at Luna with an expression that spoke of tremendous, yet equal, amounts of love and lust. Fleur leaned over to the woman who she believed would one day be her sister-in-law, and said loud enough for Neville to hear, "I wonder which kink Groot is into - the Alice in Wonderland costume or the rain boots."</p><p>Angelina shrugged her shoulders. "Could be either or both. You know what they say about it always being the quiet ones. We could always ask him," she replied. "So which is it Nev, the sexy dress or the boots?" she asked while Luna was making her way down the stairs.</p><p>Neville was able to tear his eyes away from Luna to give Fleur and Angelina a quick wink while he answered, "I am Groot." The rest of the Marauders plus Angelina laughed along with Neville. The young man suddenly turned bright red as he remembered that Professor McGonagall was in the common room as well.</p><p>Letting her shy cub off the hook, McGonagall said, "Five points to Gryffindor for giving an appropriate answer to that question." This caused everyone to chuckle again.</p><p>When Luna finally reached the bottom of the stairs, she gladly took Neville's offered hand in hers. She was giving her boyfriend a look that mirrored his - equal parts love and lust. As Neville started to lead her away from the stairs, Luna paused, looked him up and down, and smiled widely. "How appropriate, we match!" she stated cheerfully. Neville's forehead creased in confusion. His confusion was echoed throughout the common room until Luna explained in a very matter of fact tone, "Neither of us are wearing underwear."</p><p>That thought made Neville very happy, but his smiled faded back to a confused look. "How did you know I wasn't wearing any underwear?" he inquired.</p><p>Showing why she was sorted into Ravenclaw, Luna replied, "I had two separate data points that indicated you weren't wearing any underwear. The first one is that you come from a very traditional family. Even though it might make you feel uncomfortable not to wear underwear, your traditional upbringing wouldn't let you even consider wearing the kilt in a non-traditional style."</p><p>Several people in the room nodded their heads in appreciation of Luna's logic. Professor Flitwick was especially proud of his little Eagle. "Well thought out, Ms. Lovegood. What is the second data point?" he asked.</p><p>"Neville is standing directly over a VERY well polished floor tile," Luna answered with a little shrug. Before they could step onto the carpet, Fleur and Angelina used the tiles to check to see if the twins were wearing their kilts in the traditional style and whether or not the boys really were identical in every way. Their high-five let everybody know that Fleur and Angelina were happy with the answer to both questions.</p><p>Harry replaced Neville at the base of the stairs. To him, the rest of the world faded away when the woman he loved with all of his heart took her place at the top of the stairs. Like the other female Marauders, Hermione had chosen a gown that spoke of her heritage. Fleur's dress was a traditional one made by her grandmother, while Luna wore her great, great grandmother's dress rather than the costume everyone thought it was. Hermione had thought long and hard on what to wear. The gown she chose had to not only reflect her muggle heritage, but drive Harry wild with desire as well. While deciding what to wear, her thoughts kept drifting to a movie she loved as a child and was her first real impression of a woman who could be strong and sexy at the same time. In homage to that movie, Hermione wore a floor length, strapless, red gown that sparkled like cut rubies. While most of the gown looked like it was painted on due to how tightly it hugged her curves, the bottom flowed freely thanks to the slit that ran up her left leg that stopped midway up her thigh. To finish off the glamorous look, Hermione also wore golden theater gloves that ran up to her elbows.</p><p>The only non-muggle thing Hermione wore was a plain iron torc with open ends bearing the ancient celtic rune for love. Flitwick and McGonagall recognized the torc immediately. They had seen Dorea wear it whenever she went to a formal event prior to her marriage with Charlus. They had last seen it around the neck of one Lily Evans after she finally decided that James had matured enough for her to accept his proposal of marriage.</p><p>The torc had been handed down from generation to generation in the Potter family. The first "Potter", Clitorias, had it made for his future wife as an engagement present. After that, the torc was given to the male heir's true love by his mother after the young couple acknowledged their love for each other. This continued all the way to the point where Dorea gave it to Lily, welcoming her into the family with open arms.</p><p>McGonagall wiped a lone tear from her eye as she wished that Lily had still been alive to pass the torc to Hermione. The old professor had no doubt in her heart that Lily would have loved Hermione, and been extremely proud to give the fellow muggle-born the ancient token of love as a way of accepting the young woman into the family. "Mr. Potter, how on Earth did you find that torc?" she inquired.</p><p>Harry forced his gaze away from his beautiful girlfriend to look at Professor McGonagall. "I didn't find it, Knutsack did. He found it while doing an inventory of the family vault," he replied.</p><p>Hermione joined Harry at the base of the stairs and slipped her hand into his. "There was a written note next to it instructing Knutsack to present it to whomever ended up being Harry's true love," she stated. "Knutsack gave it to me last week along with this note," Hermione said as she pulled a lovingly folded piece of parchment out of her right glove.</p><p>Without saying another word, Hermione passed the old note to Professor McGonagall who gently unfolded it to read it. She lowered the note so Professor Flitwick could read it when she recognized the handwriting of his favorite student.</p><p>To the woman my son has chosen to love,</p><p>My fervent prayer is that this letter will never have to be read and that I will be able to present you this torc in person, but the war is going poorly for our side. If you are reading this, then I am dead and this is the only way I can tell you what I feel.</p><p>I am aware of the "curse" Morgan Le Fey put on the Potters and as a mother, I couldn't be happier. Every mother believes that only the very best will ever be good enough for her baby boy. Thanks to Le Fey, I know that you fit that description.</p><p>Take care of my Harry, and know that wherever I am, I bless your pairing and eventual marriage into this crazy family.</p><p>With a mother-in-law's love,</p><p>Lily Potter</p><p>Flitwick took the note and reverently folded it back up. As he handed it back to Hermione, he said, "I was going to ask if you knew what wearing that torc in public meant, but this letter clears that up. Just so you know, the older members of the Great Houses will recognize it and know it is essentially the same as an engagement ring. The Potter Heir has chosen the next Lady Potter."</p><p>Hermione squeezed Harry's hand to make sure he was still okay with her wearing the torc in public. Even after all of his encouragements, Hermione still had some self-doubt issues. "Fade, you are the woman I love and I couldn't be prouder to declare our love to the world," Harry reassured her. "The only thing I'm nervous about is telling your parents," he admitted in a slightly timid tone. Like Hermione, Harry also still harbored doubts about himself being worthy of her. Hermione used her free hand to stroke Harry's cheek.</p><p>Luna was still amazed that not only had she somehow found a wonderful boyfriend and future husband, but she also had a group of friends that were as close to her as family. Knowing that she always felt better after one of her friends said something to encourage her when she was feeling down, Luna decided to try and say something encouraging to her almost brother, Scorch. "Harry Potter, you are wonderful man and I am sure Hermione's parents are going to love you, just like she does," she told him. After a moment of thought, she added, " - Or at least in the same amount. It would probably be preferable that they not love you in the same way she does. That would make family get togethers somewhat awkward I would think," she joked causing the group to chuckle.</p><p>"On that disturbing thought, we should make our way to the Great Hall," McGonagall suggested, rolling her eyes.</p><p>***Unexpected Animagus***</p><p>Severus Snape sneered in contempt as he neared the seventh floor landing of the spiral staircase that led to the owlery. His sneer became more pronounced as as he saw Professors McGonagall and Flitwick presumably leading the Potter brat and his friends down to the great Hall and the Yule Ball. Potter and the insufferable know-it-all were the last in line. Seeing the small knife sticking out of the top of Potter's large black socks gave him an idea of how to put James Potter's spawn back in his place and show a little dominance over the other two Heads of Houses. Snape rushed down the stairs so he would be only a few feet away from Potter.</p><p>"Stop right there, Potter!" Snape bellowed. "Even a dunderhead like you should know that openly displaying a weapon at one of the Ministries most talked about events is in very poor taste for one of the Hogwarts Champions, even if it is the illegitimate one," he snarled. Giving Harry one of his very well practiced sneers (this one being used for stupid students and disgusting things found in the bottom of waste bins), Snape said, "I'll just confiscate that knife, and see you in detention for the next two weeks, Mr. Potter."</p><p>Snape started to reach forward to grab the knife, but stopped suddenly as he felt the sharp point of a wand pressed against his left testicle. The wand tip was vibrating with magic, and not the good kind he used after he was sure the door to his quarters had been locked. Thoughts of punishing and humiliating Potter fled as the pressure against his testicle increased just slightly.</p><p>Glancing down slowly, Snape saw the wand was held by Professor Flitwick. Part of the potions teacher's mind gibbered in terror as he realized he hadn't even seen the small part-goblin move. The same part of his mind was about to piss itself at the thought that with either a swish or a flick, he would be known as "One nut Severus" for the rest of his life. The rest of his mind seethed at the direct challenge to his manhood in more ways than one. "What is the meaning of this?!" Snape demanded.</p><p>"Shut up, Severus! I'm trying to save your life!" Flitwick snarled back. Snape made a show of glancing at where the wand was still thrust and then raised a questioning eyebrow. "Since you're English, and therefore most likely unaware of Scottish wizarding traditions, I had to stop you before you committed a deadly mistake."</p><p>Seeing that he had Snape's full attention, Flitwick continued speaking. "The Sgian-Dubh Mr. Potter is wearing belongs to the Head of the McGonagall Clan. Touching it without permission is a horrible insult. Trying to take it is an open declaration of blood feud, a tradition still allowed in Scotland. In case you have forgotten, Hogwarts is in Scotland," he explained.</p><p>"Blood feud…?" Snape asked in a non-challenging tone. The tip of Flitwick's wand was still poking him in the Snape family jewels.</p><p>"Yes, Severus, blood feud. If you had grabbed that Sgian-Dubh, members of Clan McGonagall would be honor bound to try and kill you," Flitwick stated. Snape looked up at the old Transfiguration teacher and gave a contemptuous sneer. There was no doubt in his mind that he could defeat her. Flitwick saw the sneer and gave a silent chuckle. "Also, the allied Clans and Houses would have the legal authority to join in the hunt as well," he added.</p><p>Neville stepped forward, still holding Luna's hand. Having friends like the Marauders, and the love of Luna, gave him the courage to face one of tormentors. "House Longbottom stands with Clan McGonagall, in all things," he said in a clear, steady voice.</p><p>"House Lovegood stands with Clan McGonagall, in all things," Luna added. Not knowing their true power, Snape rolled his eyes in contempt.</p><p>Not even having to to ask her future husband, Hermione said loudly, "House Potter stands with Clan McGonagall, in all things." Snape's confidence started to slip, if only a little bit. While he thought of Potter as a true dunderhead, the boy still had raw power. That power mixed with the know-it-all's intellect might possibly be a problem.</p><p>"Clan Weasley stands with Clan McGonagall, in all things," the twins said in unision.</p><p>"As does the House of Delacour," Fleur said formally. Snape's confidence took a major hit at those two declarations. The powers of a Veela were an unknown factor, and even though he hated to admit it, the red headed twins were very good at potions.</p><p>Seeing Snape's usually haughty sneer start to slip a bit, Flitwick went in for the metaphorical kill. "In the sense of the fairness, I should probably tell you that in questions of honor, Clan McGonagall does have a champion they can rely on. Their champion is a rather handsome chap who won the European Grand Dueling Championship four years in a row," he said with a very goblin like grin. To drive the point home even further, he gave Snape's threatened testicle another slight jab.</p><p>The part of Snape's mind that had been terrified earlier was now jumping up and down screaming, "See… I told you so!" to the rest of his mind. Now completely focused on self-preservation, Snape stood very still as Professor McGonagall casually walked up to Professor Flitwick and put her hand on the part-Goblin's shoulder.</p><p>Luna, who had been trained from birth to carefully observe everything around her, noticed Professor Flitwick's face become completely relaxed, including closing his eyes as Professor McGonagall touched his shoulder. Luna knew the two professors were in a relationship and she thought it was odd that Flitwick's face would go slack like that. Whenever Neville touched her, an odd spark combined of excitement and safety coursed through her. Luna assumed it would be the same for the older couple.</p><p>"Thank you for stopping him from making such a fatal mistake, Professor Flitwick," McGonagall stated. After a moment, she added, "As Deputy Headmistress, it would have fallen to me to find a replacement potions teacher midterm." Flitwick's eyes snapped open and he pulled his wand away from Snape's groin. Feeling the threatening wand gone, Snape pivoted and made his way back up the staircase. His robe billowed out even more than usual as he added quite a bit of speed to his usual pace.</p><p>Once they were certain Professor Snape was well and truly out earshot, the remaining Professors started laughing uncontrollably. They ended up having to hold on to each other to keep their balance, they were laughing so hard.</p><p>Hermione said the one thing that was on most of the Marauders' minds. "Huh?" she exclaimed, clearly confused.</p><p>"I think... Professors Flitwick and McGonagall just pranked Professor Snape," Harry replied, trusting his Marauder instincts.</p><p>It took a moment for Hermione to process that before she asked for clarification, "Do you mean the whole Blood Feud thing wasn't real?"</p><p>Flitwick stopped laughing and gave Hermione a sly smile. "Probably not, considering I just made it up," he answered.</p><p>This caused McGonagall to laugh even more. "Actually, you were surprisingly close to the actual traditions," she told him.</p><p>"I do not understand," Fleur said, her brows creased in confusion.</p><p>Suddenly becoming very excited, Flitwick started hopping up and down, clapping his hands. "Oh, I so love it when life gives us opportunities to teach advanced concepts based on what students experience outside of the classroom!" he stated happily. With one hand, he pointed to an unused classroom across from them. Sensing they had just been witness to pranking greatness, the twins opened up the door to the classroom and rushed inside.</p><p>Once everyone was inside, the Professors cast sound dampening charms at all four walls, the floor, and the ceiling. With a smile that matched Flitwick's, McGonagall conjured two stools for them to sit on while they gave this impromptu lesson.</p><p>"All right you lot, I'll tell you what the end result was, and then work backwards from there," Flitwick stated. "In a very short amount of time, Professor Snape is going to start experiencing a rather intense itching in his groin. This itching will only get worse over the next week and then level off. You see, Professor Snape's groin is now the new home to a rather sizeable colony of troll pubic lice. It is said that the itching from the lice can get so intense, Trolls are known to have smacked themselves in the groin with their massive clubs to get it to stop," he explained.</p><p>"That's true, and unfortunately for Professor Snape, troll pubic lice are just as magic resistant as the trolls they usually inhabit. All known magical ways of getting rid of lice are ineffective against them," McGonagall told them.</p><p>With another sly smile, Flitwick said, "Also, as far as the vast majority of the wizarding world knows, there is only one way to contract troll pubic lice - close, and rather intimate contact with a troll." This set the students into a fit of laughter at what others would suspect Snape had been doing with his free time.</p><p>After a moment, Hermione stopped laughing and looked thoughtful. "You said the itching would go on for at least a week. Everything I've read said that conjured lifeforms can not exist for longer than 24 hrs. How did you extend that timeframe so much?" she inquired.</p><p>"Ah, that takes us to the first part of the lesson," Flitwick said, rubbing his hands together. "Professor McGonagall, if you would please," he requested, bowing to her.</p><p>"Why thank you, Professor Flitwick," McGonagall replied. "What most people think of as conjuration is just very advanced transfiguration. Instead of creating something out of nothing, the spell caster is actually transfiguring air into something else. That's why there is usually a popping sound after it occurs, the remaining air rushes in to fill the newly created empty space," she lectured. "True conjuration is something else entirely and takes quite a bit more time preparing for it as well as power to cast the spell. When a witch or wizard casts a true conjuration, they are really teleporting a real object or creature from one place to another," she said.</p><p>"Somewhere there is a Troll who is suddenly enjoying an itch free crotch right now," Flitwick chimed in.</p><p>Even though they weren't in a formal class, George raised his hand to ask a question. When Flitwick nodded towards him, George inquired, "How did you manage to conjure the troll pubic lice if they are magic resistant?"</p><p>"Wonderful question, Mr. Weasley. That leads us into the second part of the lesson," Professor McGonagall praised.</p><p>"It would take a witch or wizard with magical strength similar to Merlin's to conjure the little blighters. However, two magical people working together would have more than enough power to accomplish it," Flitwick said.</p><p>Hermione nodded her head in understanding. "You two were able to combine your powers when Professor McGonagall touched your shoulder," she surmised. Flitwick echoed her nod with one of his own to show she was on the right track.</p><p>Being the more experienced in trying to get away with pranks, the twins each stroked their chins in thought. "We hate to admit it, but Professor Snape is pretty smart. Once he finds out what is causing his bludgers to itch, he'll suspect you two caused it," Fred stated.</p><p>Flitwick clapped his hands together once in glee. "And that brings us to the final part of this lesson- covering your tracks," he said. "It's true that Professor Snape will eventually figure out where his new tenants came from, but he won't have any evidence to back it up. While everyone would rightly assume Professor McGonagall is capable of true conjuration, it was my wand doing the poking. Most people know I'm absolutely horrible with any type of conjuration. In fact, a certain Transfiguration Mistress once suggested that I couldn't even conjure a fart at chile / curry festival," he stated.</p><p>"What is very rarely ever taught, is that if a witch or wizard trusts someone completely, they can open themselves up to allow the other one to cast through them. This automatically combines the strength of the two magic users," McGonagall told them.</p><p>The Marauders were quiet for a while as the implications of what she said sank in. Eventually Harry asked, "Even if he thought you couldn't do it, wouldn't he still insist on having your wand checked?" he asked.</p><p>"Very good, Mr. Potter. Five points to Gryffindor for thinking ahead for once," Professor McGonagall said half teasingly. "A regular Priori Incantatum spell will show the last ten spells that a wand has cast. If Professor Snape was somehow able to convince the Aurors that he had been wronged, they have spells that could show that last 30 spells cast," she told them.</p><p>"Anybody want to guess how many spells I cast a day as the Charms Professor, not to mention how many I cast every morning during my dueling practices?" Flitwick asked with a predatory smirk. "All right you lot, lesson over. Let's go get down to the ball to show off your dance moves," he suggested.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p></p>
    <div>
      <p>
        <strong>Unexpected Animagus</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Chapter 11</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Without thinking about it, Amelia Bones found herself standing in a small alcove just off of the main corridor leading to the Great Hall of Hogwarts. After years of being an Auror, she had instinctively gravitated to a place where her back could be against a wall. Limiting the avenues of possible attacks that she would have to worry about now came second nature to her after it had been drilled into her by her mentor, Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody.</p>
      <p>The alcove also gave the Director of Magical Law Enforcement an unobstructed view of the corridor and entryway into Hogwarts. Bones gave a small nod of satisfaction as her constantly scanning gaze swept over the two Aurors she had brought with her to provide security for the event. She was pleased that they were able to do this without anyone knowing they were even there.</p>
      <p>Auror David Stewart was currently hanging upside down from the top of the entry hall's vaulted ceiling. He was able to accomplish this thanks to the "Everstick" boots sent to the department by the mysterious inventor known only by their initials, "FG." While it was true that if anyone bothered to look up they would see her Auror, Bones knew only veteran fighters (and the extremely paranoid) ever looked above them while in a familiar place. As if to prove both points, Mad Eye Moody gave a halfhearted salute to Stewart as he walked underneath him on his way into the Great Hall.</p>
      <p>The other Auror on the security detail was even harder to spot. At least she was once Director Bones had let the extra suit of armor in the alcove know that her nail polish was showing. Without saying a word, Auror "Don't even think of calling me by my first name" Tonks had shifted the color of her hands so the tips of her fingers looked like the rest of her silver colored skin.</p>
      <p>Director Bones would have liked to have had more Aurors on the security detail, but the ridiculously small budget Fudge had left her with couldn't cover the department's regular budget, let alone the overtime costs needed for an event such as this. It was only the fact that Bones had recently been given access to a special Gringotts account that allowed her to pay for the Aurors she had brought with her. Amelia let the corners of her mouth twitch upwards at the memory of where the money in that vault had come from.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>-UA-</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Ministry of Magic</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Two days prior</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Director Bones spun around in surprise, sending the parchments she was reviewing flying into the air when the private Floo in her office sprang to life. With practiced ease, she drew her wand and had it trained on the center of the fireplace. Bones' eyebrow behind her monocle rose when the image of a Goblin took form in the green flames.</p>
      <p>"Director Bones, we have business to discuss," the Goblin stated in the typical blunt fashion of his people. "This meeting will be beneficial to your department, I assure you," he added. This had Amelia's eyebrow rise even further in surprise. Goblins very rarely made those type of statements to humans.</p>
      <p>"You've piqued my curiosity. You may enter," Bones said as she slid her wand back into her arm holster. With her now free hand, she motioned for the Goblin to come through the Floo.</p>
      <p>The flames flared brightly in the fireplace as a well-dressed Goblin carrying a large, leather satchel stepped through them into her office. "My name is Account Manager Knutsack, and I'm here on behalf of one of my clients to present a semi-anonymous donation to you," Knutsack informed her. He hid a smile as he watched the Director of Magical Law Enforcement shift her weight equally to both feet and bent her knees ever so slightly, ready to move in an instant. Knutsack knew Bones was ready for a fight.</p>
      <p>With the slow motions he would use when facing another Goblin, Knutsack placed his satchel on the ground and held both hands up, open palms facing the witch. "Peace, Director Bones. Our files on you indicate that an offered bribe would benefit neither my client, nor Gringotts in general. The only strings that come attached to the donation are ones we believe you will accept happily," he assured her.</p>
      <p>"Who is your client, and what do you mean by semi-anonymous?" Bones countered.</p>
      <p>"I would have thought much less of you, Director Bones, had you had not asked those questions. To answer the first one, the client in question is Dorea's Closet," he explained.</p>
      <p>The answer completely derailed Amelia's train of thought. During her third year at Hogwarts, a young Amelia Bones was well into the start of the wild broom ride that is puberty. One fateful night the third-year student was accidentally interrupted by a 6th year female prefect. Amelia had been happily, if a bit loudly, experimenting with self-loving. The prefect had mumbled a quick apology, and hastily left the room.</p>
      <p>The next night, the prefect not only taught Amelia how to cast silencing spells, but also gave the third-year student her first copy of the Dorea's Closet catalog. Not long after that, the young Hufflepuff student received her first vibrating wand via owl post. After a weekend of experimenting with the wand, a very happy Amelia Bones knew she would be a devoted, lifelong customer of Dorea's Closet.</p>
      <p>"Come again?" Director Bones asked, trying to make sense of Dorea's Closet making a donation.</p>
      <p>"Ah… I see you're familiar with one of their more popular slogans," the Goblin replied absently. "As to what I meant by semi-anonymous, it has to do with what the Muggles refer to as part of the 'fine-print' on their most recent product," Knutsack replied matter of factly. "Hidden on the box in print so small that it requires either a powerful magnifying glass or an enlarging spell to read, is the statement that all profits from the purchase of the product go to a special fund set up to help support the Aurors. We at Gringotts, as well as the governing board of Dorea's Closet, find it quite amusing to see known Death Eaters purchase a product that helps support the fight against them," he went on to explain while showing a smile full of sharp teeth.</p>
      <p>Despite herself, Bones found herself smiling along with the Goblin. "I have to admit Knutsack, over the years Dorea's Closet has never let me down, so I'm already half of the way towards accepting this donation. I only have two more questions. The first, and most important one, is what <em>are</em> the strings attached? The second question is what exactly is this new product?" she inquired. Bones had been too busy in the last two weeks to check the mountain of owl posts at her home to see if the newest Dorea's Closet catalog had arrived.</p>
      <p>"The conditions tacked on to the donation are simple actually. The money has to be used to support Aurors in their duties protecting the Wizarding world, and <em>CAN NOT</em> be used by any other department in the Ministry of Magic," Knutsack replied, making the last words sound like a slur. "To make certain of this, a security firm was created that will contract with your Aurors and pay them to perform their duties outside of their normal work hours. The company's governing board has only one voting member, the Director of Magical Law Enforcement," he explained.</p>
      <p>Knutsack opened his satchel, withdrew a small stack of parchments, and handed them to Bones. Pointing to the top parchment, Knutsack said, "This form is a contract stating that you agree to be the unpaid head of the A.O.F. - Auror Overtime Fund. The second one is a contract that goes over how you, and only you, can authorize the expenditure of the funds to the Aurors." Tilting his head slightly and pointing to the bottom parchment, he said, "The last form is simply a ledger sheet showing what the current balance of the account is. The product has only been on the market for a week, so there isn't much gold in there at the moment. We expect that amount to increase dramatically as more orders roll in."</p>
      <p>Director bones read the first two forms, and was pleased at how straightforward and above board they were. While the third form didn't show a huge amount, it still wasn't anything to sneeze at. Just that week's amount would be enough to "hire" two Aurors to provide security for the logistical nightmare that was the upcoming Triwizard Cup Yule Ball.</p>
      <p>After Director Bones looked up from reading the parchments, Knutsack reached down into his satchel, and pulled out two wooden boxes about half the size of a regular wand case. "As per your second question, the head of the governing board said she thought you would appreciate one of the products yourself," he told her as he handed the boxes over to her.</p>
      <p>Amelia turned the boxes in her hand over so she could read the lettering on the flowing, golden letters the label proudly proclaimed the item within to be a limited edition, numbered, Harry Potter vibrating wand. Below that proclamation were two words that had the middle-aged witch blinking owlishly - "Life Sized". Next to the words was the official Gringotts seal of authenticity.</p>
      <p>Unable to control her curiosity, Amelia opened the box to find a smoothly polished holly wand approximately 4 ½ inches long with a circumference just under 4 inches. Without realizing she was speaking aloud, Bones muttered, "Impressive… I guess what the rumors say about the Potter men inheriting the 'Sword of Gryffindor' is true."</p>
      <p>"You have no idea," Knutsack chuckled under his breath. He knew that Hermione had sent him the measurements from Harry's flaccid penis. She had explained the Purebloods wouldn't believe them if the wand was based on his erect member.</p>
      <p>Bones opened up the second box and saw an identical wand to the first one. The only difference were the numbers engraved near the base of the wands - "001" and "002". "Why two wands? Not that I'm complaining… I mean… errr…" the usually eloquent witch stammered.</p>
      <p>"Our records show that your niece, Susan Bones, is also a loyal customer of Dorea's Closet. When the head of the board found that out, she insisted a second one be sent along just for her," Knutsack explained with a shrug.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>-UA-</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Hogwarts - outside the Great Hall</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Night of the Yule Ball</strong>
      </p>
      <p>As if Direct Bones' thoughts had summoned her, Susan Bones, caught sight of her aunt and hurried over to her in a flowing, yellow ball gown. With absolutely no regard for the elder Bones' position, Susan wrapped her arms around Amelia in a tight hug. Amelia returned the hug with equal affection.</p>
      <p>After the two women let go of each other, Amelia decided to tease her niece a bit. "So, tell me Susan, did you receive the package I owled you recently?" she asked. They had always been open about sex and sexuality in the Bones household, so she knew Susan wouldn't be <em>too</em> embarrassed. Susan's blush, combined with her vigorous nodding, told Amelia that her niece had indeed received the package, and had already tried out the contents.</p>
      <p>"I can't believe it has multiple speeds," Susan said breathlessly, her eyes glazing slightly in remembrance of putting the wand through its paces.</p>
      <p>"I know," Amelia replied, a slight glaze in her eyes as well. As soon as Knutsack had left her office, Amelia had locked the door, put the Floo on privacy mode, and cast several silencing spells. The silencing spells were put to good use as she discovered the multiple speed options of the wand herself.</p>
      <p>"The only thing I don't get is why it's called life size," Susan stated absently. Before Amelia could explain that the Potters were rumored to be rather well endowed, Susan added, "It's much smaller than the real thing."</p>
      <p>Amelia closed her eyes for a second to give her brain time to reboot. "Is there something you would like to tell me, young lady?" she asked pointedly after she was able to collect her thoughts.</p>
      <p>Susan managed to approximate a Weasley blush when she realized that she had made the statement about size out loud. "It's not what you think, Auntie… honest," she said quickly. Amelia's trademark arched eyebrow behind her monocle invited Susan to go on. "I was near the border of the Forbidden Forest collecting ingredients for potions class when I heard Hermione and Harry's voices not far away. Oh… Hermione is Harry's girlfriend. Anyway, I heard their voices, and went to go find them to apologize for how the Hufflepuffs treated Harry before the first task. When I got closer to them, my skin tingled, like when a powerful spell is cast somewhere near. I felt the tingle a second time right before I found them in a clearing. They looked like they were in the middle of an… um… intimate moment. Hermione was naked from the waist up and Harry, was… well… Harry was completely naked. At least I assumed he was naked. Hermione was in my way, and I only saw the bottom of Harry's legs, his shoulders, and his head," she explained.</p>
      <p>"I take it you didn't just turn around and leave," Director Bones said with just the right amount of parental sharpness behind it.</p>
      <p>Susan gave her aunt a half smirk. "Well, it <em>is</em> Harry Potter we're talking about. Besides, Hermione was laughing at him and shaking her head. Curiosity got the better of me, and I stepped to the side a bit to get a better look. Believe me when I say that what I saw was definitely <em>NOT</em> something to laugh about," she stated. Susan glanced around to make sure no one was watching them before she held her hands out in front of her, about 8 to 9 inches apart. Amelia looked down at her niece's hands, and then her own eyes widened in comprehension. Susan nodded her head in agreement of the sentiment. "Exactly," she agreed.</p>
      <p>"Some people have different reactions to something so shocking. Perhaps this Hermione is the type that laughs instead of screams when faced with something that dramatic," Director Bones mused.</p>
      <p>"Oh no, that's not it at all. Harry looked right at her and asked - 'I forgot to bring my clothes back again, didn't I?' right before he started laughing too. Hermione just kept laughing and shook her head no," Susan stated. "It was at that point that I turned around and left. I'm not a complete voyeur you know," she said as she playfully hit her aunt on the arm. "I have to get inside," Susan told Amelia before giving her another hug.</p>
      <p>Susan took two steps away, paused for a moment, and then turned around to face Amelia again. "Is it just me, or does that suit of armor look like it has erect nipples?" she asked while cocking her head to the side. Before Amelia could come up with an answer, Susan shrugged her shoulders and continued on her way into the Great Hall.</p>
      <p>Motion at the foot of the stairs leading to the Gryffindor tower drew Director Bones' attention. The first couple to make an appearance were Professors McGonagall and Flitwick. Bones wasn't at all surprised when Flitwick stopped McGonagall with a light touch on her arm. Of course the only European Dueling Champion to win three years in a row would notice a potential opponent stuck to the roof. After a split-second evaluating Stewart, Flitwick removed his hand and the procession from the Gryffindor tower started again.</p>
      <p>Once everyone was off the stairs, Fleur turned her head to look at Prof. McGonagall. "Pardon me, Professor, but could you tell me when the ball is supposed end?" she inquired. Fleur had specific plans for her and Fred that evening and wanted to know when they could start the true festivities. The rest of the Marauders also had plans similar to hers, and were just as eager to know when they could ditch the ball to spend some quality time with their partners.</p>
      <p>"Originally, the three Headmasters of the schools wanted the Yule Ball to last right up until midnight with the students being required to stay the entire time," McGonagall replied. She noticed the disappointed expressions on the students' faces. "Their opinions were swayed however when Prof. Flitwick eloquently argued to have it end at 10 instead. The fact that he did so in such a way as to make them think it was their idea in the first place was a joy to watch. It helped tremendously that he gave his argument in flawless English, French, and Bulgarian," she explained.</p>
      <p>After high fiving each other in happiness, the twins smiled cheekily at Prof. McGonagall. "So… what your saying is…" Fred started to say.</p>
      <p>"...Prof. Flitwick is quite the cunning linguist," George finished.</p>
      <p>Instead of docking them points, Prof. McGonagall met the twins' eyes and replied evenly, "I can assure you that he most definitely is." With that, the two professors left the slightly stunned students, and made their way into the Great Hall.</p>
      <p>A certain beetle which was clinging to wall near the group quivered in happy excitement. She couldn't wait to write a torrid article about a scandalous affair between two of Hogwarts more popular teachers. Knowing that sticking with this group of students would lead to even more juicy gossip, the beetle took to the air in a short flight to reach the students. She gently landed on the beautiful, blonde hair of the French Champion, careful to not let the girl know she had a passenger.</p>
      <p>Hermione and Harry both grinned when they saw Remus Lupin enter the building with a familiar, giant black dog on a leash. In defiance of the community that had scorned him, Lupin was wearing a finely tailored black tuxedo instead of a robe. Hermione smirked when she noticed that the color of the tuxedo matched the jet-black fur of Harry's godfather perfectly. She knew Lupin was a very practical man, and Padfoot tended to shed quite a bit.</p>
      <p>Lupin led his best friend over to the group of students. His back was turned to the alcove, so he was momentarily surprised when the New Marauders suddenly fanned out in a protective semicircle. Lupin spun around and managed to let out a whispered, "Oh shit!" Running towards them was none other than Director Bones, head of the department that still had a hex on sight order for Sirius Black.</p>
      <p>Bones stopped only a few feet in front of the dog many had mistaken for a Grim. She adjusted her monocle and took a closer look at the dog. "I can't believe it...Padfoot!" she exclaimed. Turning slightly to face Lupin, Bones scowled while she demanded, "Where the hell have you been hiding Padfoot all this time?!" Before he could respond, Bones continued, "Knowing he was with you would have saved me quite a few headaches last year! Honestly Lupin, I would have thought you would have the foresight to bring him to Hogwarts as soon as you knew Black had escaped Azkaban."</p>
      <p>"To be honest, it wasn't until the end of term when I found him at the Shrieking Shack," Lupin replied sheepishly.</p>
      <p>Bones turned back to face Padfoot. "After all of these years, you managed to find Harry and then hid in a haunted house to watch over him. You truly were James' best friend," she said softly before ruffling the fur on top of Padfoot's head. "I suppose it was a good thing you weren't there when Lupin and Snape found Black now that Black's guilt is in question. Although come to think of it, tearing Black limb from limb would have saved my Aurors quite a bit of time," Bones added.</p>
      <p>"Wait… what?" Lupin stammered.</p>
      <p>Bones gave Lupin a condescending glare. "As a close friend of the Potters, surely you knew about how much Padfoot and Black hated each other?" she questioned.</p>
      <p>"Of… course," Lupin lied. His Marauder instincts kicked in and he added, "I was just wondering how you knew about it."</p>
      <p>Director Bones smiled as she thought back to when she first met Padfoot. "It was about 15 years ago…" she told them.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>-UA-</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Knockturn Alley</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>15 years ago</strong>
      </p>
      <p>James Potter looked around at the fairly large group of Death Eaters that lay unconscious on the floor of the dingy warehouse. Several had both claw and bite marks on them. "Lions rule, Snakes drool! Give me paw buddy!" he exclaimed happily as the rush of cheating death filled his veins again. Padfoot wagged his tail happily and raised his paw to give his best friend a high five. Their merry mood fled when they heard the sound of someone apparating in behind them. The Marauders spun around and moved apart so they could come at this new threat from different directions. James relaxed only slightly when he saw it was his boss, Senior Auror Bones, instead of a Death Eater.</p>
      <p>Bones quickly scanned the room and then eased her wand back into her arm holster. She scowled at James. "Dammit Potter! Do you want to explain to me why my best pair of Aurors left me a note on my desk to tell me they were going to raid a den of Death Eaters by themselves?" she demanded.</p>
      <p>James ran his hand through his perpetually messy hair in embarrassment. "Because if we had told you in person, you would have forbidden us from going," he answered truthfully.</p>
      <p>"Damn right I would have! Going after a group like this without a full six wizard strike team is suicide!" Bones exclaimed. The fact that she had raced in to help them without backup either was not lost on the two Aurors. "Wait.. where's Black!?" she asked, quickly running past the bodies on the floor, making sure none of them were the Auror she secretly had a crush on.</p>
      <p>Using the quick wits that had made him not only one of Britain's finest Aurors, but also the head of the Marauders, James smiled reassuringly at his boss. "You know, that's kind of a funny story. To explain better, I should first introduce you to my familiar, Padfoot," he said as he pointed towards the gigantic dog. "Sirius and I scoped out the warehouse earlier. We realized it would be easier for Padfoot to sneak into the building and flank the Death Eaters than it would be for Sirius. The problem is, Sirius and Padfoot can't stand each other," he stated. "In fact, I would go so far as saying their animosity rises to the level of deep, burning hatred. Personally, I think it's because Sirius is jealous of the fact that Padfoot's <em>wand</em> is so much bigger than his," he teased.</p>
      <p>Not that he would ever admit it, but Sirius had the hots for his boss and therefore was not amused that his best friend was implying to her that he had a small Beater's Bat. Padfoot let out a long warning growl to let James know how he felt about that.</p>
      <p>Knowing when to let a joke go, James pointed at Padfoot to bring his explanation back on track. "See what I mean about them not liking one another. Even mentioning Sirius' name makes Padfoot growl. That's why you will never, ever see them in the same place together," he stated. Catching on, Padfoot growled again, and made a show of looking around as if he was trying to find his alter ego.</p>
      <p>Bones walked over to Padfoot and leaned over slightly to scratch him behind one of his ears. "Do me a favor you handsome beast. Watch over this fool when his partner can't be there," she requested. Padfoot's tail wagged happily at not only the pleasant contact and praise, but also because from that angle, he was able to look down the front of Bones' robe.</p>
      <p>James snapped his finger as another idea hit him. "You know, there are some pretty awesome perks to having a part Grim as your familiar. Like most familiars, he's much smarter than an average animal. I've even been able to teach him how to apparate," he bragged.</p>
      <p>"Hippogriff shit," Bones replied skeptically.</p>
      <p>"No really, watch," James replied. He turned towards his best friend and said firmly, "Padfoot, go home!"</p>
      <p>To Senior Auror Bones' amazement, the huge dog disappeared with an unmistakable crack. A few moments later, she heard another single crack come from just outside the door to the warehouse. The door opened and Sirius Black timidly poked his head in. "Is that damned dog of yours gone yet?" he asked, clearly annoyed.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>-UA-</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Hogwarts - outside the Great Hall</strong>
      </p>
      <p>
        <strong>Night of the Yule Ball</strong>
      </p>
      <p>"And that's how I first met this loveable mutt," Director Bones explained to the group. She leaned over, scratched Padfoot's ear, and gave him another accidental glance down her robe. She stood up and turned towards Harry. "Mr. Potter, if you ever need a pet sitter, I would gladly volunteer. Padfoot is quite familiar with my home," she stated.</p>
      <p>"He is?" Harry asked.</p>
      <p>"Oh yes. During the last war we got wind of several assassination plots focused on me as the head of the Auror team with the highest success rate against Death Eaters. James and Sirius insisted that I have Auror protection while at home and I refused. We compromised by letting James send Padfoot home with me at the end of our shifts," Amelia explained. "Padfoot stayed by my side the entire time. He even hopped in the tub whenever I took a bath," she chuckled.</p>
      <p>Remus shook his head while covering his face with his palm. "Of course he did," he muttered.</p>
      <p>"Not that I'm not overjoyed to see Padfoot again, Mr. Lupin, but what are you doing with him here, and why did Hogwarts staff let you in with him?" she asked.</p>
      <p>Glad to finally be asked a question he had prepared for, Lupin replied, "Harry is loaning him to me as a service dog. Padfoot lets me know when the full moon is approaching."</p>
      <p>"Wouldn't a calendar be much easier?" Bones asked.</p>
      <p>"Of course it would, but don't tell him that. He might report me to the union," Lupin replied.</p>
      <p>"The ball will be starting soon, and I should return to my post. Mr. potter… Ms. Delacour, please be safe. No tournament is worth dying over," she said in parting and walked back to her spot in the alcove.</p>
      <p>Once he was certain Director Bones was well out of earshot, Remus turned his back towards her and scowled at Padfoot. "Bloody hell, Sirius! The fact that you and James had come up with a story to hide that you were an unregistered animagus from the woman who went on to become the Director of Magical Law Enforcement would have been nice to know ahead of time. I damn near soiled this new tuxedo you bought for me!" he complained. "Not to mention that Harry's account manager will probably get an addition to his collection when Director Bones finds out it was you who was sharing her baths," he warned. Padfoot's wagging tail stopped suddenly and he let out a pitiful whine.</p>
      <p>The small beetle in Fleur's hair couldn't believe how lucky she had gotten. She had the stories of the decade. NOT only was Sirius Black an unregistered animagus, but the oh so noble James Potter had lied to his superior to hide that fact from the DMLE. Added in with this was the juicy tidbit of the mangy werewolf not only harboring a known fugitive, but sneaking a wanted man into Hogwarts during the social event of the year. The fact that Sirius Black was something of a pervert was well known and in no way newsworthy. Rita Skeeter couldn't control herself and her wings buzzed in excitement.</p>
      <p>Fred heard the buzzing of an insect and Janus' instincts took over when he saw a bug in his mate's "fur". Before the beetle could react, Fred's hand shot out and caught it between his index finger and thumb. Without thinking about it, he tossed the bug into his mouth and chewed it up before swallowing.</p>
      <p>While those whose animagus instincts didn't involve social grooming tried not to gag, George just smiled at his twin. "So, how did it taste?" he asked.</p>
      <p>Fred paused while he thought about his answer. "Bitter, but oddly satisfying," he replied.</p>
      <p>Remus shook his head. "I'm going to take this mutt inside before you decide to check him for bugs as well," he teased. Padfoot leaned affectionately against Harry before being led into the Great Hall by Remus.</p>
      <p>Before Hermione could pull her wand and utter a quick "Accio dog hair" spell, Dobby popped into existence, standing next to Harry. He was dressed in his now customary outfit of a red silk pillowcase and gold curtain cord. Under one arm Dobby held a shiny, brass trumpet. With a snap of his fingers, the black dog hair disappeared.</p>
      <p>"Thanks, Dobby," Harry said after checking himself over to make sure everything was still attached. He was still finding it hard to get over his fear of Dobby doing something unpleasant to him by accident all in the name of trying to help. "I'm afraid to ask, but what's with the trumpet?" Harry inquired.</p>
      <p>"Dobby is being asked to be part of the House elves orchestra tonight," Dobby stated proudly.</p>
      <p>Luna cocked her head to the side in curiosity. "What instrument do you play?" she asked.</p>
      <p>Dobby looked at the others to see if he could determine if the young Ravenclaw was joking or not. Judging by their pained expressions, Dobby guessed she wasn't. He held out his instrument and slowly said, "Dobby being playing the trumpet, Miss."</p>
      <p>Luna frowned in confusion. "Sorry Dobby, I just thought House Elves couldn't play brass or woodwind instruments due them not being able to pucker their lips," she replied.</p>
      <p>"Yous is right, Harry potter's scary bunny friend. House Elves not being able to pucker our lips, but we being able to pucker somethings else," Dobby stated.</p>
      <p>The group thought about that for a minute and the twins started snickering. "Heh heh…" Fred started.</p>
      <p>"...Butt trumpet" George finished. "No offense Dobby, but we don't really want to be here when you start warming up," he apologized.</p>
      <p>Dobby smacked his forehead with his free hand. "Thank you, Harry Potter's monkey butt friend, Dobby be almost forgetting," he said. With a snap of his fingers, a wooden clothes pin appeared, pinching the long nose of the house elf closed. With a pop, Dobby disappeared.</p>
      <p>Luna gripped Neville's arm tighter as he leaned against the wall, looking quite green. It was clear to the group he was doing his very best to keep from throwing up.</p>
      <p>"Neville, what's wrong?" Hermione asked worriedly.</p>
      <p>Once he was positive he wasn't going to vomit all over his friends, Neville weakly answered, "Gran insisted that I learn an instrument while growing up. She always had one of our house elves tune my oboe before I went up to practice."</p>
      <p>"Well on that <em>note</em>… ouch!" George started to say before being slapped on the back of his head Angelina. "…those of us who aren't either a champion or a champion's date will meet the rest of you inside the Great Hall," he finished.</p>
      <p>
        <strong>-UA-</strong>
      </p>
      <p>Professor Dumbledore sat at the head table with the other headmasters. He glanced down at the small slip of parchment in his hand for what seemed to be the hundredth time as he prepared to announce the Champions and their dates as the cue for them to enter the Great Hall and start the festivities. There was only one name he was having difficulty figuring out how to pronounce, the young lady from Bulgaria who was Viktor Krum's escort for the evening.</p>
      <p>Hoping there had been a mistake somewhere, the old wizard slid the parchment towards the Headmaster of Durmstrang, Igor Karkaroff. "Pardon me, Igor, but could verify the spelling of this young lady's name," he requested.</p>
      <p>Karkaroff glanced down briefly at the parchment before gruffly replying, "It is correct."</p>
      <p>"Ah… I see… how would one pronounce her name?" Dumbledore asked.</p>
      <p>With a snort of disgust Karkaroff answered, "Exactly as it is spelled!" He turned in his seat to indicate the conversation was over.</p>
      <p>"Yes, of course," Dumbledore muttered before turning in his own seat so he would be facing the Headmistress of Beauxbatons. "Excuse me, Olympe, but could you possibly help me in pronouncing this name?" he requested, pointing a finger at the troubling name.</p>
      <p>Madame Maxime took the parchment from Dumbledore saying, "Yes, but I feel I must remind you that I am French and not Slavic." After a few moments of studying the slip of parchment, she handed it back to him. "To be perfectly frank with you Albus, I believe I would have an easier time of wearing something I bought off the rack in the <em>petit</em> section of Madam Malkin's Robes than I would of pronouncing that name. You're on your own with this one, my friend," she told him with conviction.</p>
      <p>Knowing nothing else could be done about the matter, Dumbledore stood up, bringing the conversations in the room to a stop. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the Tri-Wizard Tournament's Champions and their escorts for the Yule Ball," he announced to the crowd. The main doors to the Great Hall opened and the Champions walked in with their dates, one couple at a time. "Representing Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I present Cedric Diggory accompanied by the lovely Cho Chang," he stated. Cedric walked into the great hall with Cho draped possessively over his arm.</p>
      <p>"Before I announce the next couple, I would ask the professors of Hogwarts to please refrain from casting any tracking charms at the next Champions escort in an effort to later tell him apart from his twin. I tried earlier and couldn't get any to stick. In fact, his parents admitted to me that they have tried since the boys were born and for some reason, the spells refuse to stay," Dumbledore requested. After a pause he continued, "Representing Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, I present Fleur Delacour and Fred Weasley."</p>
      <p>Fleur and Fred took a few steps into the hall before they stopped. Fred looked challenging up at the head table. "I'll have you know I'm just as lovely as Miss Chang," he huffed before pretending to flip his hair back with a mock pout.</p>
      <p>The crowd laughing gave Dumbledore a chance to quiet his own snickering. Once the crowd quieted down, the Headmaster continued. "Forgive me, Mr. Weasley. It was not my intention to slight the beauty of you or your twin," he apologized.</p>
      <p>Knowing when he was given an obvious straight line, George called out, "No…no! He's the pretty one, I'm the handsome one, big difference!" McGonagall groaned while the crowd laughed again.</p>
      <p>Dumbledore glanced down at the slip of parchment in front of him and shrugged his shoulders in acceptance of what he had to do. "Presenting the Champion from the Durmstrang Institute, Victor Krum and his charming escort, Miss far-too-many-consonants-and-not-nearly-enough-vowels-to-pronounce," he stated. Viktor marched his date to the Champions table, glaring at the Hogwarts Headmaster.</p>
      <p>"And finally, through no fault of his own, the second Hogwarts Champion, Harry potter and his escort…" Dumbledore started to say before he saw the very recognizable torc that graced Miss Granger's neck. A smile spread across his face as fond memories of the remarkable young women he had known down through the years who had worn that very torc. "…the future Lady Potter, Miss Hermione Granger," Dumbledore finished.</p>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Unexpected Animagus</p><p>Chapter 12</p><p>Hermione just barely managed to hide a smirk as <em>her</em> Harry led her onto the dance floor for the opening of the Yule Ball. The Pure-blood parents sneered at her in disgust while their daughters looked like someone had not only kicked their puppy, but was using it as bait for the giant squid as well. All thoughts of anyone other than her green eyed boyfriend fled however when Harry put his hand on her waist, and took her right hand in his left as the music started.</p><p>Maleficent Parkinson sat at a table bordering the dance floor, and ground her teeth in rage when she saw another mudblood on the arm of a Potter heir. She had always thought that James Potter would have made an excellent husband, but the bitch Evans had swooped in and stolen the prized stud out from underneath all of the much more deserving Pure-blood princesses. Now another mudblood had the audacity to cauldron block her daughter (and by extension the rest of her family) from accessing the Potter wealth.</p><p>With an expression somewhere between a sneer and a smirk, Mrs. Parkinson noticed how close the Gryffindor couple were dancing towards the edge of the dance floor. When they got close to her table, Maleficent stuck out her foot to trip the uppity mudblood. Much to her surprise, the girl Pansy had described as being a bumbling, awkward know-it-all easily stepped over her foot without missing a single beat.</p><p>Harry was torn between calling out the bitch who had tried to trip Hermione and simply dancing with the young woman he loved. His mind was made up when he saw Neville trying to catch his eye. The Longbottom heir subtly pointed to Mrs. Parkinson and then towards Luna who was having a quick conversation with one of the Hogwarts house elves. The house elf looked shocked at first and then very, very angry. With a single nod of its oversized head, the elf popped away.</p><p>On their next pass by the Parkinson table, Harry noticed that Mrs. Parkinson was looking very uncomfortable. She stood up awkwardly, and then left the Great Hall as quickly as proper decorum for upper class society would allow. Harry didn't bother to hide his smile when he saw Luna had tears streaming down her face, her shoulders shaking with laughter, and had a napkin stuffed in her mouth to keep herself from making too much noise. A very smug looking elf was standing next to Luna, whispering something in her ear.</p><p>The Dowager Lady Augusta Longbottom also noticed the byplay. As a member of Minerva and Filius' group of pranksters, she was curious as to what had befallen the wife of one of the "imperiused" Death Eaters. Using her cane (which usually got more use as a means of smacking the other members of the Wizengamot out of the way than for support or stability), Augusta got up from her seat. She made sure her hat with the stuffed vulture on top was sitting snugly on her head, and made her way to the table where her grandson sat.</p><p>"Greetings, Neville. Perhaps you would like to share the joke which has made you forget all of the lessons I taught you on how to behave in a setting such as this," Augusta asked in a tone that clearly said the request was more of a demand.</p><p>Before Neville could reply, his girlfriend beat him to it. Luna showed the eldest Longbottom a bottle of muggle super-glue she had concealed in her hand. "I pointed out to Hoddy what Mrs. Parkinson had tried to do, and explained that it was most likely due to Hermione being a first generation witch. Hoddy popped away and then returned to say she had dealt with the situation. She handed me this bottle and said that 'if the mean lady being acting like a stuck up bitch, then the mean bitch should have her lady parts being stuck up for reals'," Luna explained.</p><p>While Neville had seen the caring, warm, and sometimes even funny side of his grandmother in private, he had never seen her so much as smile in public. He was left speechless as Lady Longbottom's face contorted into countless odd expressions as she tried valiantly not to laugh. In the end a single snort escaped.</p><p>With the faintest of smiles still on her lips, Augusta said, "It's always good to see house elves <em>stick</em> to their belief of fair play." She allowed Neville a moment of shock to process her making a joke in public before speaking again. "Neville, would you be so good as to introduce me to this young lady?" she requested.</p><p>"My apologies, Grandmother. Lady Augusta Longbottom, I am extremely pleased to introduce you to my girlfriend, Luna Lovegood," Neville said formally. While had written to his Gran about Luna several times, this was the first time they had met in person.</p><p>Luna tilted her head to one side and then the other as she looked up at the vulture on Lady Longbottom's hat. Eventually she said, "While the vulture looks very pretty surrounded by the dried flowers, I don't think I can truly approve of the message it sends."</p><p>Augusta's eye narrowed and her lips were pressed into a thin line of displeasure. "And why would that be, young lady?" she stated, her voice cold.</p><p>Luna gave Augusta a hungry, vicious smile. "I don't believe Death Eaters deserve a warning after everything they've done, and your hat is a clear warning of what will happen to them if they mess you. Also, I seriously doubt that Death Eaters are smart enough to understand the warning in the first place," Luna explained. When Luna noticed that several Death Eaters were eavesdropping, she pointed towards the vulture. "Vultures are carrion eaters, literal 'Death Eaters'. I wouldn't be surprised at all to find out you had killed that vulture personally before having it stuffed. You wear it out in public as a warning for all of the 'reformed' Death Eaters that if they should attack you or your family again, they will suffer the same fate. I'm not certain if your neck muscles are strong enough to support the weight of a full grown moron if you do so, perhaps you could use a shrinking charm on their corpses," she stated.</p><p>Augusta matched Luna's smile with a similar one of her own. "Perhaps, but giving the vermin a warning appeals to my sense of fair play. That said, I do approve of your blood thirsty nature, Miss Lovegood. I look forward to seeing you around Longbottom Hall this summer," she said primly. Augusta focused her attention on Neville. "Grandson, if you do something to lose this young woman's affection, I shall be most cross with you," she warned.</p><p>Neville looked fist at his Gran and then looked into Luna's eyes. "If I do anything to lose Luna's love, then I expect you to ship me straight to St. Mungo's, since I would have to have a massive wrackspurt infestation," he proclaimed.</p><p>*HPUA*</p><p>The New Marauders and their dates gathered in an unused class room near the Great Hall a few minutes after the Yule Ball had finally ended. George raised his hand to get everyone's attention. "I call dibs on the Room of Requirement tonight. I want to make sure Angelina knows I'm not Father Christmas," he called out.</p><p>Hermione scrunched her brows in confusion. "Not Father Christmas?" she asked.</p><p>George smiled as he could always depend on Hermione to set him up with a straight line. "Yeah, everyone knows Father Christmas only comes once a year," he stated. Everyone groaned at the pun, with the loudest being Fred. "Et tu, brother?" George asked, slightly offended. Fred groaned even louder as he dropped down to one knee, holding his stomach in real pain. "Fred!" George yelled as he rushed to his twin's side.</p><p>Hermione pulled her wand out of one of her long dress gloves. With a series of jabs and whirls, she cast a diagnostic charm Professor Moody had taught them. A faint green shimmer appeared around Fred. "That's weird. The spell checks to see if someone has been poisoned. If they were, they should have a strong, bright green glow, not a faint one. The only thing I can think of is that it must be a fairly weak poison. Definitely not a life threatening one," she proclaimed.</p><p>Harry immediately snapped into his role as leader of the New Marauders even though no one's life was in danger yet. "Neville, help George get Fred to Madam Pomfrey. Luna, help Fleur provide wand support in case whoever did this is waiting to ambush us on the way there. Hermione, you find McGonagall and Flitwick to let them know what is going on. I'll go find Ginny. I'm sure she would want to know," he stated. No one was bothered in the slightest that Harry had excluded telling the youngest male Weasley.</p><p>While George and Neville each put one of Fred's arms across their shoulders, Harry pulled out the Marauders Map from his sporran. "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good," he stated. Once the map had unfolded, he used the search function Remus and Sirius had shown him to find Prof. McGonagall. All of the names disappeared except for Minerva McGonagall. A quick check for Flitwick had McGonagall's name disappear to be replaced by Filius Flitwick in the same classroom. "Hermione, McGonagall and Flitwick are both in her classroom," Harry said. Hermione gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before she followed everyone else out of the classroom.</p><p>Harry was glad the twins had already left when he did a search for Ginny. All of the Weasley brothers were overprotective to some extent when it concerned their baby sister. The map showed Ginny was in a broom cupboard on the third floor. "Mischief managed," he stated and then put the map back in his sporran.</p><p>Using a shortcut hidden behind a painting of several hippogriffs playing poker, Harry made it to the third floor in record time. Deciding discretion was the better part of valor, he knocked on the broom cupboard door rather than yanking it open. Hearing a feminine squeak of surprise, he asked, "Ginny, are you in there?"</p><p>"Harry?! What are you doing here?" Ginny exclaimed, her voice equal parts embarrassed and annoyed.</p><p>"We think Fred's been poisoned, well sort of. Hermione's scans showed it wasn't fatal, but I thought you would want to know," Harry replied.</p><p>"Arrghh! Could Fred have any worse timing!" Ginny swore. "Give me a minute, I'll be right out," she said. After a moment, the door to the broom cupboard opened up just wide enough to let Ginny slide out. Harry wasn't surprised at all at her mussed up hair and slightly smeared lipstick considering where he found her. "Not a word, Harry Potter!" Ginny warned him, her embarrassed smile taking the sting out of her words.</p><p>"Let's go. Neville and George should have brought Fred to the infirmary by now. I had Luna and Fleur provide security for them on their way," Harry told her as he started to walk back to the hidden staircase.</p><p>"Wait," Ginny said as she grabbed his arm. "Do you think Fleur will still be with them when we get there?" she asked.</p><p>"I would assume so, since Frad and her are pretty serious about each other," he told her.</p><p>Ginny closed her eyes, sighed, and ran her hand through her hair. "Well that's just great!" she said sarcastically. "I'm still trying to build up my tolerance to her. As it stands now, I can only be in the same room as the Veela for a few minutes before I have to leave," she stated.</p><p>Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. He would never have expected that type of bigotry from Ginny. "Ginny, I think if you give Fleur even half a chance, you'll find out she really is a great person," Harry chided her.</p><p>"You think I don't know that, Harry! Don't you think I would like to be able to spend more than a few minutes in the presence of my brother's girlfriend?" she snapped back. When she saw Harry's expression darken, Ginny realized she wasn't explaining things well. "Harry, I know Fleur is a bright, caring, all around wonderful girl. That's the problem. You see, Harry, I owe Fleur a lot and it's really frustrating that I can't tell her," she sighed dejectedly.</p><p>"I don't understand. What do you owe Fleur?" Harry asked.</p><p>Ginny blushed as she answered, "For one, she's willing to put up with Fred and I don't have to worry about him finding a girl. Two, she helped me realize that I'll probably end up playing for the Holyhead Harpies when I graduate."</p><p>Harry was now really confused. "Wait… how can you end up playing for the Harpies? They're all lesbi… oh," he said as he finally caught on to what Ginny was saying.</p><p>Ginny put a hand on her hip and gave Harry a mock pout. "Lesbi-ohs?" she asked.</p><p>Harry ran his hand through his messy black hair in embarrassment. "Wow, to hear you say it makes it sound like either a breakfast cereal or canned pasta," he admitted.</p><p>Ginny gave Harry a playful smirk. "Neither, obviously. Both of those are things you would have at your house, and everyone knows that the Harpies prefer to eat out," she told him. Harry chuckled and then looked at the broom cupboard, one eyebrow raised in an obvious question. "Even though that's none of your business, I would tell you except for the fact that my girlfriend isn't ready to come out of the closet," she told him. After a moment's thought she added, "Either literally or figuratively."</p><p>As Harry turned to leave, Ginny had one last thing to say to him. "In case you decide to use a certain map to see who was in the broom cupboard with me, it's only fair to warn you I developed a new version of the bat-bogey hex. I found out I can make the bat-bogeys come out of any orifice, not just the nose," she warned him.</p><p>*HPUA*</p><p>Neville and George eased Fred onto one of the beds in the hospital wing while Luna ran to fetch Madam Pomfrey from her office. The medi-witch started casting diagnostic scans as soon as she reached Fred's side. After a moment, she let a rare smirk cross her face. "Well, Mr. Weasley, it looks like Karma has finally come back to bite you for all of you and your brother's prank candies," Pomfrey told her patient.</p><p>Fleur fought hard to keep her avian form from making an appearance and roasting the medi-witch. "Hermione said that he had been poisoned. I hardly think it's appropriate to say he deserves this," she stated.</p><p>"You would if you would have treated all of the patients that have been victims to either their pranks or their 'product testing'," Pomfrey countered. "As it is, Mr. Weasley has been poisoned, but only in the most broad of definitions. You see, he's suffering from magical food poisoning. He ate something he shouldn't have," she explained.</p><p>George frowned. "That doesn't make sense, Madam Pomfrey. Gred and I ate the same thing at dinner and I feel fine," he told the hospital matron.</p><p>"There must have been something he ate that you didn't or someone put one of your own products into just his meal," Pomfrey said.</p><p>Fleur snapped her fingers as she thought of something. "The beetle! Fred ate a beetle right before we went into the ball," she stated.</p><p>Pomfrey nodded her head. "Eating a magical bug would definitely fit his symptoms. Considering it's the middle of winter in Scotland, it would have to be magical to not be dormant," she said. Pomfrey patted Fred on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Mr. Weasley. I have a potion that will fix you right up. I'll go make it right away," she assured the young man who was still holding his stomach in pain.</p><p>Madam Pomfrey went back to her office to add the ingredients necessary to activate the special potion. When she returned, Pomfrey pointed over to the infirmary water closet. "Since the food poisoning has passed your stomach and entered your intestinal tract, you will need to take this modified purging potion. Instead of coming out both ends, you will only expel things from the southern route. It would be best if you were already sitting on the loo when you take it," she told Fred.</p><p>George and Neville helped Fred to the water closet and then left hurriedly after shutting the door. The last thing either of them wanted was to be in the same room as someone who had a date with an express train departure out of the bowels.</p><p>Fred pulled the cork out of the bottle, scrunched up his face in expectation of something horrible, and tossed the contents down his throat. His expression changed to one of pleasant surprise. "Wow! I was expecting this potion to taste like sweaty socks or something. I never imagined it would taste like chocolate," he called out to Madam Pomfrey.</p><p>Madam Pomfrey leaned back and looked at the empty package of muggle chocolate flavored laxatives sitting on her desk. "Imagine that," she murmured. "Oh wait! I forgot to tell you to fasten the seatbelt on the loo before you drink the potion!" she yelled out worriedly.</p><p>"Seat belt? Why would I need a seat belt" Fred asked before his backside made a noise somewhere between what one would expect from someone in his condition and a muggle rocket launching. Everyone winced as they heard a loud thud caused by something heaving hitting the water closet door. "Never mind, I figured out why," Fred moaned from the other side of the door. "Sorry about the floors, walls, and well the ceiling too," he apologised. "On the plus side, if you squint just right, the mess on the walls kinda look like headlines from the Daily Prophet," Fred added.</p><p>"Ooh, ooh… let me guess: Minister Fudge, is he as useless as the appendix? Or maybe: The sphincter - Light at the end of the tunnel, or just another arsehole?" George joked. Fred laughed at the joke and then moaned as he had another thrust inducing bowel movement.</p><p>Madam Pomfrey gave George a displeased frown. "Mr. Weasley, while I would agree that laughter is often the best medicine, it does not apply to explosive diarrhea," she chided him.</p><p>*HPUA*</p><p>Hermione was still trying to puzzle out the results of her diagnostic scan as she reached Prof. McGonagall's classroom. She was so distracted, she forgot to knock and just opened the door. Hermione froze as she tried to process what she saw, her brain refusing to accept what her eyes were telling her. Prof. Flitwick was standing on a large step stool behind Prof. McGonagall. The part goblin teacher was naked except for a pair of leather chaps. For her part, Prof. McGonall was bent over her desk, equally nude. The transfiguration professor was only wearing a pink, furry collar with a large tag that read, "Fil's Pussy Cat".</p><p>The rhythmic slapping of flesh against flesh and grunts of pleasure from the two professors covered the sound of the door shutting as Hermione made a hurried exit out of the room. [ <em> I don't care how sick Fred is. Nothing is worth the embarrassment of speaking to those two right now, </em> ] Hermione told herself. She turned and made her way to the hospital wing, hoping that maybe Luna might be able to help her with a memory charm later.</p><p>Harry had just made it to the infirmary when the doors opened to let Hermione in. Madam Pomfrey took one look at the shell shocked expression on the young witch's face and had a fairly good idea what had caused it. "Minerva forgot to cast a locking spell on her door again?" she inquired. Hermione just numbly nodded her head.</p><p>Desperate to think of something else, Hermione asked her boyfriend, "Were you able to find Ginny?"</p><p>"Um… yes," Harry replied slowly. "She won't be able to make it because Fleur is here. Turns out Ginny will probably play for the Holyhead Harpies," he stated.</p><p>"What does a quidditch team have to do with anything?" Hermione demanded. Harry leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Oh, you mean like a university softball team. I can see why that would make things difficult. The last thing Fred needs right now is for his sister to try and jump his girlfriend," she stated.</p><p>"Did you find McGonagall and Flitwick?" Harry asked her. Hermione just nodded her head as her shell shocked expression came back. "Well, are they coming?" he inquired.</p><p>Hermione still had a thousand yard stare as she looked back towards the classroom. "By now, I'm sure at least one of them has, if not both. We'll just have to speak with them in the morning," she replied.</p><p>Neville cocked his head to the side, obviously perplexed. "I'm confused," he said.</p><p>Hermione shuddered. "I'm traumatized," she stated.</p><p>"I'm Luna," the perky young blonde added.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>